Avitable-isms: Tact is for the weak

Redirect, muthafucka

2007-05-05T18:12:00.001-04:00

Stop coming to this blog!

I've moved to a better place. Delete your feeds, and update them with the new one! If you have a church banner in your sidebar, change the code to redirect to my new blog.

Point your browser to http://www.avitable.com or click here to move to the most magical place in the blogosphere that's not in my pants!

Are you still coming here?

2007-03-30T16:09:00.000-04:00

Stop coming to this blog!

I've moved!

2007-03-29T08:30:00.000-04:00

Don't forget - update your blogroll. I've moved to a better place. Delete your feeds, and update them with the new one! If you have a church banner in your sidebar, change the code to redirect to my new blog.

Point your browser to http://www.avitable.com or click here to move to the most magical place in the blogosphere that's not in my pants!

You are in the wrong place

2007-03-27T22:36:00.000-04:00

If you're here, you're in the wrong place! My blog has moved. Delete your feeds, and update them with the new one! If you have a church banner in your sidebar, change the code to redirect to my new blog.

What is this new address, you might ask? Well, if you were smart, you'd be able to figure it out.

And if you're too retarded, I'll help you along.

Point your browser to http://www.avitable.com or click here to move to the most magical place in the blogosphere that's not in my pants!

Avitatrivia Answered: Round 2

2007-03-26T22:59:00.000-04:00

Here's round 2! Scroll down for the first round if you missed it.

NYC Watchdog asks: "Let's assume that you happen to be with another very drunk blonde blogger. Let's assume that this blogger also has a serious fascination with an artist formerly known as Squiggly Line. Let's assume that this blogger mistakes YOU for the artist formerly known as Squiggly Line. Let's assume that this is entirely hidden from the world and absolutely no one will find out about it. Let's assume that this blonde blogger offers themselves to you in every imaginable way... however the illusion may be broken at any second unless you wear a pair of women's stilleto pumps similar to what the artist formerly known as Squiggly Line wears.

Do you choose Red Velvet or Purple Faux Leather?"

I'll always stick with Purple Faux Leather when I'm wearing fuck me pumps. In fact, I'm wearing them right now.

Certifiable Princess asks: "If we know that the meaning of life is the reason that we cannot live forever, how can we possibly be happy if our level of consciousness does not perpetuate our right to free will and further, if we do not know the line between good and evil along with the fact that if there is a God and a purpose in life, then how did we get here, where are we going to and why is there something rather than nothing?"

Does a pepperoni ask itself why it's on the pizza? No.

Used*to*be*me asks: "Whose question are you going to answer first?"

Not yours.

Maritza asks: "Do you do any manscaping to your person?"

With a blowtorch, jackhammer, and a diamond-tipped drill, Raul, my manscaper, reshapes my all-over hirsute appearance into one resembling a stylish gorilla.

Stephanie asks: "If you hadn't met your wife, what do you think your life would be like today, and what would you be doing?"

If Amy hadn't stopped to take pity on that poor homeless man living outside of the law school, and hadn't given him a sandwich, I'd probably still be sleeping outside the law school. Or I would have been set on fire and beaten to death by teens in Saint Louis looking for a Friday night's fun.

Dave asks: "When I finally make it down to Orlando, what exciting activities do you have planned for us, and is there anything I need to bring other than my harness and some baby wipes?"

Well, there's this thing that us Central Floridians do called "manatee fucking". Don't worry - it's not like it sounds. Basically, we sneak into the springs, find a manatee, and fuck it. Well, I guess, in retrospect, it is exactly how it sounds. Hm. Bring a wetsuit.

Aly asks: "Are you having this questions session because you're not sure which story to tell next? That wasn't going to be my question, but I just realized I don't really want the answer to mine so nevermind."

The answer to your first question is an unqualified "Yes!" The answer to your real question which I telepathically know to be "Adam, where do babies come from?" is: Every spring, I fly around to the homes of all the wives and crackwhores who want babies and I sneak into their bedrooms and sprinkle them with magical sticky baby batter in their no-no place. And sometimes their mouths. Nine months later, a beautiful baby emerges, sometimes much to the woman's surprise! And in two years, if you're lucky, the Avitable Inseminator Fairy may come visit you in your sleep, too.

Crystal asks: "Since I see Hitler up there---where do you think he is? Or maybe what I'm asking is, do you believe in hell?"

I've learned recently that he's not actually alive and well and selling sandwiches inside a Chicago office building (if you get this reference, you win a prize!). So there goes that theory.

As far as hell is concerned . . . I think there might be a place where people who are immoral and vicious and cruel go to do things that they don't like. Hitler's probably forced to spin dreidels, Saddam Hussein is probably forced to look upon hot women baring their arms and legs, Pat Robertson will have to masturbate to gay porn (once he dies), and Anna Nicole Smith is probably forced to do simple math problems.

Miss Ann asks: "Where did you bury the body of Jimmy Hoffa and how did you get away with it for so long?

Also, which arrest was the most embarrassing and did you get protection from the Sisters or the Skinheads?"

He's not buried. He was part of every can of Hormel Chili made in August 1975. I don't know why everyone thinks it's so hard to hide a body! For your second question: my most embarrassing arrest was when I misunderstood my Colombian boss and tried to fly into the Miami airport with condoms full of heroines in my ass. I had Wonder Woman and She-Ra and Batgirl, and was arrested for lewd and lascivious activity with female action figures. After that, nobody would protect me. Except my heroines, of course!

Amy asks: "If there really is a God and your day comes and you have the opportunity for a chat. What 3 questions would you ask Him and why?"

First of all, God is clearly a woman. Who else would kick you out of your house for eating forbidden food and playing with your snake? Who else would be crazy and vengeful one minute and then apologetic and nice the next?

Anyways, I would ask the following questions:

1. Were you really watching everything I did? Even when I did it under the covers to a Victoria's Secret catalog?

2. Why did you make some people lucky enough to be able to autofellate themselves? Why are the rest of us cursed?

3. If I love Jesus, does that make me gay?

Avitatrivia Answered: Round 1

2007-03-25T22:15:00.000-04:00

Well, faithful readers, it's time to start answering some questions. Thank you for your hard-hitting and creative queries. As always, I only tell the truth and have bared my soul to each of you, so you'd better appreciate it and enjoy:

Jordie asks: "What do you consider the most heinous of all crimes? Historical, future, or present."

That's easy: one day, at 10:31 AM, the fucking woman behind that faceless speaker at Burger King would NOT serve me lunch.

Mistress Yoda asks: "If you were in prison do you think you'd be the master or the bitch and what would be your prison name?"

Once, after an unfortunate situation where I found myself incarcerated for being naked in the wrong highway rest area, I was faced with that very dilemma. Let's just say that it's a little from column A and a little from column B, and the Avitabator will never walk quite right.

Tracy Lynn asks: "What is the most outrageous thing you have ever had to do or have done to get out of trouble? Either with employers or wife or parents, etc."

Other than giving myself a facial rugburn trying to wipe ejaculate off? Well, once when I was with a friend at my boss's house at the beach, my boss died suddenly. In order to enjoy our weekend at his beach house, though, we rigged it so it looked like he was alive. Good ol' dead Bernie would have done the same, I'm sure.

Dawn asks: "What's the best side dish to serve with an elegant chocolate-covered burrito display?"

Clearly, a basket of french fries smothered in mayonnaise.

Poppy asks: "What's it like to be the envy of all men and the object of desire for all women? That sounds tiring..."

Well, it requires an ego the size of Texas, 43 gallons of hand lotion, lots of Tylenol, and three penises.

Hot Coffee Girl asks: "What would be the hardest decision you would have to make? (You don't have to decide, just name it.)"

If I could kill one person without any legal repercussions, who would it be?

Mr. Fabulous asks: "What would be the estimated weight of all your body hair? I need to know for the day I decide to lead an expedition down there one day to shave you."

Once a month, four dumptrucks full of Avitable body hair are dispatched to headquarters in South Florida, where they are made into pubic wigs for women who have changed their mind about looking as bare as an 11-year old girl. So, I think it's about 6 tons.

RW asks: "If you were in Pittsburgh would you lift your leg like a dog or dance with the cap on - and why?"

How dare you ask such a personal question!

Bluepaintred asks: "Baby oil or vegetable oil?"

I like my vegetables cooked in vegetable oil and my babies cooked in baby oil.

Dragon asks: "What do you think of 'Day of the Week' underwear? Did you ever wear them? What does wearing 'Day of the Week' underwear out of order say about a person?"

Day of the Week underwear? Never heard of them. I have 12 pairs of Month of the Year underwear.

Tug asks: "If you use a baseball bat-type thing to get a bull to ejaculate so you can test his semen, what do you use for a monkey?"

Usually my tongue. Sometimes I use someone else's tongue.

Miss Britt asks: "What's your take on the Madonna/Whore Complex?"

Well, Madonna is a whore. And I like her. It's not really that complex at all.

Fisting

2007-03-24T19:08:00.000-04:00

Came across this revelatory and inspiring article encouraging Christians to fist because it is God's will.

Fisting and God's Will

The sex act called fisting is a source of confusion and misconceptions for many Christians. This is unfortunate, because it means that many Christian men and women are depriving themselves of what could be the most spiritual sexual experience of their lives. Like anal sex and BDSM, fisting is often mistakenly associated with the gay community or is considered a sex act too extreme to be appropriate for Christian couples. Not only are these views incorrect, but fisting actually has a scriptural precedent, as we will show.

The Fist of Might

Over and over in the scriptures, the hand and fist of God are described as a symbol of His awesome power and the means through which this power manifests: "O God, God of our ancestors, are you not God in heaven above and ruler of all kingdoms below? You hold all power and might in your fist.” (2 Chronicles 20:6) Of course, the Old Testament often makes reference to God smiting his enemies with his fist or striking down the wicked with his hand, but it is also the means through which he administers his blessings and benevolence to the righteous: ”You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing.” (Psalms 145:16) Through the hand of the Lord, he guides us to do his will, touches our lives, expresses His love, and provides for our needs with His abundance.

The biblical significance of the hand is important, because in the act of fisting, one partner (usually male) inserts his entire hand and fist into the vagina or rectum of his partner. Rather than copulating with his penis, he penetrates her with his fist. Given the powerful symbolism of the fist, it is no surprise that couples who have partaken in the practice of fisting have described it as being a profoundly spiritual experience. On a symbolic and sexual level, a wife who is fisted by her husband has the experience of surrendering completely to the divine love and power of the Lord, as embodied by her partner’s hand. The husband in turn has the experience of touching and caressing her inwardly, in such a deep and intimate manner as God touches our own souls with His grace.

Powerful Yet Gentle

In the Song of Solomon, the Bible describes the act of fisting and the profound erotic bliss it induces: It is the voice of my beloved! He knocks, saying, "Open for me, my sister, my love, My dove, my perfect one”…My love thrust his hand through the opening, and my feelings were stirred for him. (Song of Solomon 5:2-4) Here we see the lover gently coaxing his companion to open up to him, metaphorically “knocking at her door,” preparing her sexually and emotionally to receive his hand inside her. Gradually he works more and more fingers into her, until the moment when her vagina yields and his hand slips fully inside her, thrusting “through the opening.” She then describes the powerful passion that this arouses in her as she envelopes his entire hand inside her body. Many couples describe this moment, as the fist makes full penetration into the vaginal opening, as transcendent and a sexual revelation. As the woman’s body accommodates her husband’s hand, both may experience a sense of physical, sexual, emotional, and spiritual oneness.

Some common misconceptions about fisting are that it is very painful or that it is somehow violent or abusive. This is far from the truth, and as we can see from the above description, it can be a gentle, loving, and highly erotic act. Fisting does not have to be painful if it is performed correctly, using enough lubrication and patience. The hand is inserted in a slow and controlled manner, and is preceded and followed by other sexual stimulation which may lead to orgasm. Both the vagina and the rectum are extremely elastic – a vagina, after all, can stretch to accommodate a full-term baby. And in fact, a woman who has been blessed with motherhood can more easily enjoy fisting because her vaginal opening is more flexible.

The act of fisting is physically challenging to perform, requiring patience on the part of the active partner, and relaxation on the part of the receiving partner. It cannot be rushed, and the two participants must communicate closely, with the fister carefully observing and attending to his partner’s comfort and limits, and the fistee directing her partner as to when to push forward and hold back as he works his hand into her. A Christian couple can use fisting to build trust and intimacy between them, as well as strengthening their relationship with the Lord.

Fisting as an Act of Faith

Before attempting fisting, a Christian husband and wife should pray together and ask for divine guidance. The husband should ask that God guide his hand and work through him, and for the skill and patience to fist his wife correctly and maximize her pleasure. The wife should pray for openness and readiness to receive God’s love and grace in the form of her husband’s hand.

Both should treat the act of fisting as a divine spiritual mystery to be entered into with reverence and awe, especially the husband. In another spiritual interpretation of fisting, as he inserts his hand into his wife’s vagina, a man is symbolically re-enacting the moment of truth following Christ’s resurrection from the tomb, when Doubting Thomas touches the wounds in the Savior’s flesh: Then He said to Thomas, "Put your finger here and observe My hands. Reach out your hand and put it into My side. Don't be an unbeliever, but a believer.” (John 20:27) Thomas’ doubt would not be satisfied until he physically felt the wounds in Christ’s body and penetrated His flesh with his hand. Likewise, the spiritual and sexual power of fisting cannot be known unless experienced physically.

Role Reversal

So far we have only discussed a husband fisting his wife, but some couples may wonder if it is appropriate for a wife to fist her husband if he enjoys anal stimulation. In most cases, a wife indulging her husband’s desire to receive light anal play is not problematic in the context of a healthy sexual relationship. A wife may even anally penetrate her partner with a strap-on dildo if he enjoys this, and if their respective roles as husband and wife are secure outside of the bedroom.

However, because of the intense nature of the act of fisting and the degree of surrender and submission involved in being fisted, a couple should first look deeply into their own hearts and pray for guidance as to whether it is wise for the wife to fist the husband. They should undertake this only if their relationship is such that the husband can assume a submissive and passive role during a sexual act, while afterward still maintaining his role as the spiritual head of the household and leader in the marriage.

And don't forget!

Go to the thread below and ask a question that I will answer. Any question on any topic, no matter how bizarre or personal. I'll keep the comments open for another day or two before I start answering, so get on it! Best question gets a prize!

Dreams

2007-03-23T08:54:00.000-04:00

I normally don't remember my dreams. Usually I work until I fall asleep at my desk, then fall into bed, sleep a few hours, then wake up and start working again, so I might never really have the time to dream. I don't know.

However, I learned that going to bed within an hour of eating Friendly's (Frisco Melt burger, waffle fries covered in cheese, Cookies & Cream sundae), I'm going to have the weirdest fucking dreams in the world. Here's what I remember:

1. I woke up being smothered by a blanket. I pushed off the bed and knocked four people to the ground. They all had masks on, and I ripped one of their masks off but they didn't have a face, just a blank template. The four tiny attackers (they were each about 5'3" and 100 pounds) jumped on me. I grabbed one in a headlock, threw another through the window, stepped on the neck of the third, and pounded my fist on the top of the head of the fourth. Then I threw each of them in the pool and drowned them and went back to bed.

2. This one concerned a certain blonde blogger who shall remain nameless. I was outside of my house and she was standing there smoking a cigarette. Before I could say anything, a red corvette pulled up and we got in and drove away. We started driving really fast, like exhilaratingly so, weaving in and out of traffic (no we didn't go into any tunnels for you Freudian fuckers out there), and then we arrived at my house, which was the same but different. I got out and she drove off. I don't think we said a single word.

3. I was eating a bacon cheeseburger and having sex while watching someone take a shower. All of the people in the dream were blurry, but I remember worrying about dripping ketchup on her breasts. That's when I woke up to my alarm this morning.

So, what do you think? Any backseat psychologists out there?

And don't forget!

It's time for AvitaTrivia again.

2007-03-22T11:10:00.000-04:00

Back about six months ago, I hosted a little question and answer session where I allowed you, my wonderful readers, to ask any question you'd like. I will answer all of them to the best of my ability. You can ask anything - sex, drugs, violence, love, hate, food, drink, clothing, money, finance, business, whatever you want.

Ask in the comments and I'll dedicate the next few posts to answering them. Each person may ask ONE question. The person who asks the best and most creative question (as judged subjectively by me) will win a prize. A cool prize.

So get asking and let AvitaTrivia begin!

Sex

2007-03-21T07:59:00.000-04:00

Yesterday afternoon I was working and had a brilliant idea for a blog post for today. "I should write it now," I thought. "Nah, you'll remember it in the morning," I also thought. Well, fuck. I have completely forgotten what it was. So, instead, with this lack of inspiration, here is a Sex Meme that I took from Bluepaintred.

1. HAVE YOU GOTTEN LAID IN 2007? Let's see. There was the dog ball-licking incident, the time that I was walking in the mall, bent over to tie my shoe and a guy with an erection ran into me, and the time I woke up naked with four vampire women biting me in various places. So, yes.

2. EVER HAD SEX IN A PUBLIC PLACE? I have learned the hard way that Mr. Toad's Wild Ride at Disney actually has little cameras throughout the ride so that Disney employees can monitor everything.

3. EVER LAUGH DURING SEX? IF SO WHY? I don't, but my wife does. I can't figure out why . . .

4. EVER CRY DURING SEX? IF SO WHY? Every time, and only because it's so darn special!

5. DO YOU LIKE TO CUDDLE AFTER SEX? There's something comforting about a woman's strong embrace after tender lovemaking. I mean, NO!

6. EVER REGRET SEX WITH SOMEONE? Luckily, I'm always the source of the regret.

7. EVER FAKED AN ORGASM? Yes. All I need is a small tube of warm tartar sauce, and we're set.

8. DIRTY TALK, OR SHUT THE FUCK UP? Neither. I want my partner to talk like Elmo.

9. EVER HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX? No. I always carry a gun and pepper spray.

10. EVER MASTURBATE TO YOUR FRIEND'S SIGNIFICANT OTHER? That's horrible! I just masturbate to my friends.

11. EVER HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND? We have two nightstands. One has my alarm clock and one has hers.

12. EVER HAVE A THREESOME? Threesomes are so 1990. I have onesomes now.

13. EVER WATCH PORN DURING SEX? I am definitely interested in watching men with above average huge penises having sex for hours without stopping. Because that doesn't set a standard or anything.

14. EVER THOUGHT OF SOMEONE ELSE DURING SEX? Usually Margaret Thatcher. Or Barbara Bush. Or Dom DeLuise.

15. HAS THE CONDOM EVER BROKEN? Only in my ass, so it was okay.

16. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING SEXUAL EXPERIENCE? When I learned that not every boy has a detachable penis.

17. HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY? 18. Or do you mean vaginally?

18. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH RIGHT NOW? Anna Nicole Smith

19. DO YOU THINK THAT NUMBER 18 IS POSSIBLE? I'm fucking her ashes right now.

20. ARE YOU HORNY NOW? Ummmmughughummmmm hermmmmm...... ..... GAHHHHHHHH YEAH!. Nope. Not anymore.

21. HOW MANY SEXUAL PARTNERS? 49. Including that girl who touched me in first grade. Well, she was in first grade. I was 28.

22. DO YOU LIKE SEX IN THE CAR? Only in the trunk.

23. DO YOU STILL TALK TO THE PERSON YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY TO? I call my mom every Mother's Day and birthday.

24. EVER HAVE SEX WITH A RELATIVE/FRIEND'S SIGNIFICANT OTHER? I normally like to keep it in the family, thank you very much.

25. EVER BEEN WITH A CHEATER? Is she one of the North Haverbrook Cheaters? Great family.

26. TOYS, GOOD OR BAD. I use Tickle-Me-Elmo to have my partner show me where I should touch them.

27. LINGERIE. I've always thought that the thong was a little uncomfortable, but I'll wear it if I have to.

28. EVER SLEEP WITH A CO-WORKER? It's a mandatory condition of employment.

29. WHERE HAVE YOU HAD SEX?
(x)park
(x)church
(x)cemetery
(x)beach
(x)boat
(x)school
(x)parent's bed
(x)your bed
(x)car
(x)picnic table
(x)kitchen counter
(x)couch/chair
(x)dining room/kitchen table
(x)woods (open and/or in a tent)
(x)hood of a car
(x)bathroom
(x)shower
(x)bathtub
(x)the other person's bed
(x)porch/deck/balcony
(x)in a house with parents home
(x)at a party
(x)on top of the washer/dryer
(x)with other people in the room
(x)hotel
(x)concert
(x)grandparent's house
(x)field
(x)bleachers
(x)bookstore stock room.
(x)linen closet

(x)on national TV
(x)underwater
(x)in the balls at Chuck E. Cheese's
(x)the roof
(x)walk-in freezer at McDonald's
(x)grandmother's hospital room bathroom
(x)tarmac
(x)on a pile of hundred dollar bills
(x)on a Ferris Wheel

I don't tag, but I think everyone should do this liberating meme and get some of these secrets off of their ~~breasts~~ chest.

Tug Tag

2007-03-20T00:00:00.000-04:00

I got fucking tagged by Tug.

List seven songs you are into right now...no matter what they are. BUT. They must be songs you are presently enjoying. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to.

1. “Run” — Air
2. "Girlfriend" — Avril Lavigne
3. “Hung Up” — Madonna
4. “Blade Techno Opener” — DaRude vs. Zombia Nation
5. “Everything Will Be Alright” — The Killers
6. “DQ Blizzard” — MC Chris
7. “Comfortably Numb” — Scissor Sisters

Yes. I have eclectic tastes. I know this. But my music tastes rock.

I will not tag anyone, but if you're interested in doing this one, let me know.

Block

2007-03-19T08:39:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning without anything substantial or amusing to say, so we'll have to just have a few bullets:

I'm working on my transition off of Blogger, and hopefully it will happen in the next week or so. Keep your eyes peeled.

When my wife's away on business, like she is this week, I have a tendency to sit down at my desk at 7 AM and stay until 1 AM. So, if you get bored, shoot me an email or an IM.

My favorite food right now is a double Whopper with cheese, ketchup, and mayo, only, from Burger King. I open up the bun and put french fries on it, too.

I got caught up on Battlestar Galactica yesterday, and will get caught up on Gilmore Girls this week. Amy doesn't watch either of these shows, so I can only watch them when she's out of town.

Is it a sign of my rampant immaturity that I'm excited about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie this Friday?

The way that I drive

2007-03-16T08:30:00.000-04:00

Many people who have driven with me feel like I drive fast. The smartest ones are comfortable, because they know that I'm someone who has to be in control of something, and if I'm not in control, I won't do something. But there are others who might get a bit frightened. They're wrong. I am completely at one with my car.

My driving style evolved from being taught by both of my parents, aggressive drivers who learned how to drive in Boston. My parents like to drive fast, but they've always stressed that it's essential to be very aware of your surroundings. As a result, when I'm driving normally, I travel across lanes, fit into tight spots, and otherwise drive aggressively, not defensively. However, I am aware at all times of every car in my general vicinity, which means that even with my aggressive driving, I've never been in an accident. And I consider my driving to be normal.

This morning, thanks to a malfunctioning alarm clock and a flight leaving early, I was able to let loose and actually drive in a way that I consider aggressive. When I drive like this, my brain operates differently, I think. I can see the road ahead of me, and all cars across all lanes. I'm able to actually visualize a path that travels across all lanes through all the gaps to move me at the utmost speed.

Let's say the other cars are going 60 MPH. I usually speed up to about 95-100 MPH. At this speed, I can move through the cars as if they're standing still, which lets me take advantage of everyone's slow reflexes. Even if a car brakes or changes lanes, I'm already past them and into the next gap. It's exhilarating to do. I keep both hands on the wheel, crank up my music, and fly.

And that's how I made a 40-minute drive to the airport turn into a 20-minute drive.

An exercise in imagination

2007-03-15T08:42:00.000-04:00

I've decided to make this post a clothing-free area, so please remove all items of clothing before continuing.

Now, sitting there, look down. If you're a woman, you'll of course see your funbags. The men will see hair on their chest. Now some of the women might have a little hair on their chest and some of the men will probably have funbags, but that's okay. Just follow along the best you can.

Let's get a little further down to the gut. Even if you're a skinny little crack whore, sitting down at a computer is going to give you a little roll. Doesn't your belly button look like a mouth? You should draw a face on it, and walk around making your stomach talk. But we'll have to save that for a later time.

Move a bit down. Into what I call the "free play zone". The men will have a penis, hopefully, and the women won't, hopefully. But women, I want you to imagine a penis down there, and below that, two sacs that are hairy, wrinkly, and feel kinda weird.

Now imagine that these sacs are sensitive, and any sharp motion against them will cause you to gasp in pain and fall over on the ground. Can you imagine that, girls? Now, men, of course you know what I'm talking about.

Now, close your eyes and imagine laying in bed. At your feet is your dog, who is dreaming about chasing a squirrel or a rabbit or a cat. And then, visualize this dog kicking her feet four times in rapid succession as hard as she can right into these little sacs while you laid dead asleep.

Welcome to my morning. Happy Fucking Thursday.

Yesterday

2007-03-14T08:55:00.000-04:00

Before I get to my post, a few items on the agenda.

Today, as is every March 14th, is Steak and Blowjob Day. Don't neglect your male significant other. If you don't have a male significant other, a lonely male co-worker or friend is fine.

If you haven't yet visited Britt and read all of the great guest posts there, go now, and leave comments on my post. Britt has agreed to flash her boobs to the guest poster that gets the most comments, so I need to make sure I win that one.

I'm still working on a 50 things video, but it might have to wait for next week. We'll see.

So, we went to the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World yesterday. We physically stepped into the park at 10 and walked out at 3, and managed to see everything that is worth seeing in the park in that time.

The Haunted Mansion: This ride is showing its age. From the unintentional clankiness of the car you're in, the overly dark areas that make it hard to enjoy the props, to the sound problems with the narration, I just don't find this ride to be any fun anymore. There is so much they could do with it, but right now, unless you're under the age of 10, don't bother.

The Great Thunder Mountain Railroad: Still fun, even after all of these years. I seemed to remember another long incline with a drop, but either it's not as long as I remembered or they changed the ride. I would have liked it to last about a minute longer and have a few longer drops, though.

Splash Mountain: Even though the big drop at the end and the few little drops during the ride are fun, it is probably one of the most useless rides there. The one diorama where Brer Bear is face to face with his own crotch was a bit disturbing. We did get a picture as we went down the falls, though.

Pirates of the Caribbean: What a shitty ride. This one used to be more fun, but they took out the fun parts and added stupid ones. The only cool part was the beginning, where there is a sheet of mist that has a holographic projection of Davy Jones on it that you ride through. The animatronic Johnny Depp figures were eerily accurate, but the rest of the ride was just stupid and disappointing. With a trilogy of movies that will make them a billion dollars, you'd think they could re-do the ride completely to make it actually fun. But nope.

Carousel of Progress: This one is just as bizarre and hilarious as I remember. It's a theater that rotates through four different rooms. Each room is the home of the main character as he progresses through time. First, it's around 1900, and he's talking about iceboxes and a coal oven. Then, it's around 1920, and we have automobiles and electricity. Next is the 1940's, with television and a refrigerator. Then (and this is the weirdest part), they skip to sometime that must supposedly be the late 1990s, because they talk about the new turn of the century. But they also talk about laserdisc and high definition television in the same sentence, voice-operated ovens, and a virtual reality video game that is controlled by a visor and a glove. It's very odd, but good for a laugh. I would love for them to actually update this - go from the 1900s to the 1940s then the 1960s, and finally now, but I doubt they'll ever do it. This ride was so empty - there were only about 8 people in the theater with us.

Space Mountain: The sign said the wait was 80 minutes, but apparently they're fucking retarded, because 30 minutes later we were getting into our little rocket. I was in the last car, which is always frightening because you feel like you're going to whiplash off of the ride. Space Mountain was fun, too, but it just feels like it could also be updated to do even more.

All in all, we had fun, but staying there any longer would have driven me crazy. It's not somewhere I could go every month or even every year, but I'm glad I at least went, since the last time was 7 or 8 years ago. Oh well, I probably won't head back to Disney for at least another 5-10 years, so maybe they'll get off their ass and realize that they're sadly behind the times and ridiculously outdated.

We didn't bother bringing our camera, so here's my rendition of our trip:

Off today

2007-03-13T06:48:00.000-04:00

Going to Disney World today with our guest, so there will be no post today. I know that the characters walking around are usually small women, so I plan on sexually molesting as many as possible. Wish me luck!

My guest post and a meme

2007-03-12T00:35:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Poppy for the meme for today's post. Before we get to it, though, you need to hop your cute little asses over to Britt's. I've got the guest post of the decade over there while she's in Vegas, drinking, swearing and fucking. If you don't normally read her, you should, but at least this once, let's leave lots and lots of comments! (If you don't see my guest post on her site, it will be there after 1 AM CST).

Now, onto the meme. It's called Three Words or Less. The challenge is to answer each question in (duh) three words or less. However, just to make it a bit harder, I'm going to answer each question in exactly three words.

1. Where is your cell phone? On my desk
2. Boyfriend/girlfriend? Maybe in fantasies
3. Hair? It's started disappearing
4. Your mother? Dispenser of Guilt
5. Your father? Like a Rock
6. Your favorite item? Huge Ass TV
7. Your dream last night? Flying naked, again
8. Your favorite drink? Diet Coke, Lime
9. Your dream girl? Avril Lavigne's clone
10. The room you are in? My blue office
11. Your fear? Having no money
12. What do you want to be in 10 years? Fucking loaded, man
13. Who did you hang out with last night? Clown, Leah, Amy
14. What are you not? Tactful, modest, stupid
15. Are you in love? Many times over
16. One of your wish list items? DVD: Rocky Balboa
17. What time is it? It's almost eleven
18. The last thing you did? Masturbated to donkeys
19. What are you wearing? My birthday suit?
20. Your favorite book? Anne Rice's Interview
21. The last thing you ate? Miniature frozen pizza
22. Your life? Just about perfect
23. Your mood? Happy as usual
24. Your friends? Kick ass motherfuckers
25. What are you thinking about right now? Donkeys fucking others
26. Your car? Must. Go. Faster.
27. What are you doing at this moment? Working and working
28. Your summer? Same as fall.
29. Your relationship status? Fourteen different wives
30. What is on your TV screen? Chronicles of Narnia
31. When is the last time you laughed? Every few minutes
32. Last time you cried? Bruce's death - Armageddon
33. School? It was fun.
34. Wishin hopin thinkin prayin? Fisting, Stroking, Coming
35. What are you listening to? Avril Lavigne
36. Where do you want to be right now? Land of Oz

1988 De-classified

2007-03-09T07:44:00.000-05:00

Warning! If you are a family member or someone who knew me in elementary school, you don't want to read this. Trust me. You do not want to read this.

In fact, none of you probably want to read this. But the rest of you don't have a choice.

And yes, this is true.

I attended a small private Christian school from first grade through eighth. You've seen my first grade photo, so you get a sense of how small the school was.

In 1988, I was in sixth grade. My math class was split into beginner and intermediate, and I was in the intermediate, along with two girls. We had a test one day, which I finished in about ten minutes, as was typical. The two girls would take the entire hour, which was also typical.

So, since I was done early, I got to go to the library and read. Our library was a small room with about 10-15 shelves of books and a series of long tables between them. I went to the library, and the librarian wasn't there - probably at lunch. I looked around, and found a book that I had never seen before. It was something related to National Geographic, I think. And it had nudity!

I start reading it while sitting at the table there and, well, I was 11, so I got a hard-on. Since nobody was there, I just started jerking off like a little monkey.

Basically, I'm pushing back in my chair so I'm only on the back two legs, holding the book with one hand, and masturbating with the other.

...

So, of course, the librarian walks in. She doesn't see me, but I see her!

I try to stop, but I was basically just about done masturbating. So, in my rush, I lose my balance.

Fall over backwards.

Smack into a bookcase.

Knock the bookcase over.

At the same time, I ejaculate. The arc of my penis, along with falling, means that the come manages to hit me right in my own face, right before I hit the ground.

So, I immediately roll over face down on the floor and pretend like I'm hurt. The librarian runs to go get the nurse.

At the same time, I'm rubbing my face and exposed crotch on the carpet of the library, trying to wipe off everything. Then I zip up my pants and hide the book with the nudity so that they have no idea.

By the time they came back, I was sitting back down, looking a little red (and raw) in the face, holding my head, saying I was fine. I had also pulled out a Bible and laid it out on the table as if I had been reading that instead.

The two ladies put the bookcase back up, stare at the strange new spot on the carpet for a second, but then dismiss it and go back to their normal duties. And I sat there for the remainder of the hour and read the Bible.

And that's what happened in 1988.

Just a few bullets

2007-03-08T07:07:00.000-05:00

Thanks again for everyone's input into my move away from Blogger. This will probably happen in the next few weeks. And for those of you who didn't quite get it: I was not serious about autoplay music. I would never, ever, ever, do that, and I can't believe you thought I was serious.

And now, some bullets:

My 18-year old godmother's daughter is coming down today to visit for spring break. She'll be here for a week, and other than going to Disney and laying by the pool, I'm hoping she has some good ideas of what she wants to do. Luckily, she's one of those kids who sleeps in until noon if she can, so I'll be able to put in almost an 8-hour workday before she's ready to actually do anything.

Britt is going to Las Vegas to ~~masturbate to~~ see Prince, and I'll have a guest post on her site on Monday. Keep your eyes peeled!

I'm annoyed at television. Why is it okay to disappear for a month or more without new shows? Why not just start the season later and have all new episodes straight through? Nobody wants to watch reruns, and it just eliminates the heads of steam that some of the struggling shows have accumulated.

I'm working on a 50 things video much like Poppy's, but there will be a contest and prizes surrounding it. Hopefully I'll have that up by the middle to the end of next week. In my boring life, it's hard coming up with 50 things I've done. You can only say "eat cheeseburgers" and "masturbate to midget horse porn" one time each!

If you see Bubble Yum Hershey's Chocolate Gum at the store, pick up a pack. For the first ten minutes, it's like chewing magical chocolate milk. Then it loses its taste. But those ten minutes are awesome!

That's it for today. Today's going to be a hell of a day, so I probably won't be around too much. Unless I say "Fuck it all" and shut my brain off, that is.

About time to make a move

2007-03-06T23:24:00.000-05:00

So I'm thinking of making the move to my own domain. I've enjoyed Blogger, but it's time to move to something different, probably WordPress since that's much easier for me to work with than EE.

I've got hundreds of domain names, so that part will be fine, but it's the design I'm wrestling with.

So rather than make the decision myself, I wanted the opinions of other people that I can consider and disregard.

In the comments, if you will (and de-lurk, too - I want all opinions):

1. Should I keep the header picture of Hitler?
2. Should I keep the picture of myself on the side (which you can only really see if you have your monitor at a high resolution)
3. What suggestions do you have for an improved design?
4. Should the title be simplified to "Tact is for Pussies?"
5. Should I have autoplay music that plays "Oh Holy Avitablia" when you visit the blog?

Your answers will be graded for creativity, neatness, and for showing your work.

Sunshine and puppies

2007-03-06T09:47:00.000-05:00

I had this post all ready to go about love and kisses and friendship and the people that I love the most. It was going to be optimistic and friendly and personable.

But then I read my blogs through my feedreader and came across Warren Ellis's blog. It's a blog I read daily - he's one of the driving forces behind comics right now, focused on expanding the market, introducing new concepts and reviving defunct ones, and trying to keep the industry from ever going stagnant. (And he has a book coming out that you should pre-order if you have a brain).

At any rate, he posted this picture that came from this link. I'm hiding the picture behind a picture of my horrified face. Don't look at the link or the picture. Just look at my face and let that be enough.

Why is this a good or smart thing to do? Why would you wake up and think to yourself: "Hey, self, I think today I'm going to do some body modding. I know that some of the body modifications out there are really bizarre and stupid, and I know that most bodymodders probably belong in counseling, but I want to take it a step further. Why don't I just cut off my thumb? That would be a good idea!"

While I'm normally pretty progressive, and I'm happy about all the freedoms we've received in modern society. But in the fifties, body modders would have been locked up in an asylum and given electro-shock therapy until they died or were a vegetable. And I think that's a good thing.

Stupid ignorant creepy motherfuckers.

My first commissioned work

2007-03-04T20:01:00.000-05:00

So, one of my favoritest bloggers, Poppy, decided to follow in the footsteps of on of her favorite video bloggers, Paperlilies, who did a video post where she gave 50 things that she's done in her life.

Paperlilies put on a different outfit for each thing that she did, which made the video interesting, but Poppy had a much, much better idea. A genius idea, even.

She gave me the list of 50 things and asked me to illustrate each one for her. And it turned out brilliantly.

Go check it out - here is Poppy's post where she links to the Stickam video. Leave her lots of comments on her blog telling her how awesome it is!

Stupid quiz day

2007-03-02T09:59:00.000-05:00

Tug had this on her blog, and I decided to do it. It's about my boss. Now, since I am the boss, I decided to see how bad of a boss I am to my employees.

Your Boss Is Not Psycho

Even though you might hate your boss at times, your boss is pretty fair and upstanding.
If you're having trouble with your boss, you may just be having trouble with authority in general.

Is Your Boss Psycho?

So now, if my employees complain at all, I can point to this scientific study that shows I am not psycho. Then I can beat them with the Office Paddle.

March

2007-03-01T08:31:00.000-05:00

I can feel it in the air. I have the windows open, there's a smell of recently mown grass, birds chirping, and a great breeze. March will redeem 2007. If not, I'll just have to finish my time machine and go back and re-do it. As I was thinking about it, I started considering some of the other events in my life that I would go back and re-do, attempt to change, or try to prevent completely:

1977: I was born. I mean, c'mon. It was warm and cozy in there!

1980: I now had competition for my parents' love. And presents.

1981: In pre-school, I peed my pants from laughing too hard. I also figured out during our St. Patrick's Day party that leprechauns didn't sneak in during recess and make the milk green and leave little green footprints all over the place. I announced that the blue and yellow food coloring made the milk green and that the green footprints were the teacher's hand, since the side of her hand was still green. That got me shushed pretty quickly. Also, I figured out that Santa wasn't real.

1982: My friend Patrick kept sending me inside to ask my parents what certain words meant. Since these words were ones like shit, fuck, and dick, I ended up getting to eat a bar of soap. Patrick got to go home and play with every Transformer that was ever made.

1983: More competition? Dammit!

1988: CLASSIFIED

1989: After a kid yelled "Fuck you!" to me, my awesome retort of "This machine is out of order - fuck yourself and save a quarter" was overheard by my sister, who promptly told my parents. I was grounded for quite a while. I also snuck out of the house on New Year's and was grounded. And on the Fourth of July, and was grounded.

1991: Thanks to my somnambulism, I woke up outside, sitting on the doghouse, in my underwear. Try to go back inside, but my sister had woken up, heard the door, and locked it, then gone back to sleep. That was a hard one to explain. Also, my brother hit me in the eye with a stick, which meant that I had to wear a patch throughout the holidays. And not a cool patch. An ugly gauze one. Also, I learned that porn stars are able to go for long periods of time without orgasm because they're well-practiced and desensitized. I was neither.

1994: No, it was not a good idea to attach mirrors to my shoes so I could see up girls' skirts. It was an even worse idea to fall out my chair while trying to stretch my leg so that I could see one particular girl. Also, I realized that a 15 year old girl is somehow more mature and sophisticated than I was at 17.

1995: College sucks when you don't know anybody and don't drink. Also, you don't live at home anymore where your window faces woods. Shut your blinds!

1999: That smell in your apartment complex in the middle of crazy-hot July is a dead old guy. You've been breathing him in for two weeks!

Actually, now that I think about it, the last 7-8 years have been pretty regret-free. I met Amy, we pseudo-dated, then actually dated, then moved in with each other, then got married. It's been pretty much perfect. So I guess I can handle a shitty few months of work and stress. March, here I come!

Everybody is expressing their feelings

2007-02-28T09:23:00.000-05:00

Last night, after watching a great episode of Veronica Mars (seriously, if you're not watching this show by now, you're retarded. Go watch War at Home and play in traffic!), I drove home from a friend's house and put the radio on the local classic rock station. It's a good station to listen to while driving fast, and I felt like risking a ticket and getting it up to about 85 on roads that have speed limits of 40-50.

So, I'm driving with the windows down, sunroof open, music blaring, really enjoying the classic rock, when . . .

(I don't know if I can write this. It's too overwhelming and emotional.)

(I can! I have the strength to bare my soul here.)

When, all of a sudden, U2 comes on. On the fucking classic rock station. Which plays CLASSIC rock. Classic means old!

How can U2 be considered classic rock? They can't be, because I listened to them in high school. How can any band that was popular when I was in high school be considered classic- OH FUCKING GOD ON TOAST! I'M OLD!

I pulled over and sobbed for hours. My life is over.

Suggested viewing for mature audiences

2007-02-27T08:04:00.000-05:00

I had a dream last night that I was on 24. And instead of trying to describe it, I thought I'd draw it. Of course, click to view the large version.

Finances

2007-02-25T21:42:00.000-05:00

We spent this weekend going through our various receipts and bills for 2006 to gather everything that needs to be tabulated for our taxes this year. Home office deductions, charities, corporate loss, my second company's profit and loss - it all needs to be registered so that we can figure out what type of refund we'll get. And we will get a refund, because after a scare a few years ago when we almost had to pay $3,000 in April, my wife has had an extra few hundred dollars withheld from every paycheck, guaranteeing some type of refund.

But, looking over the last year, I cannot believe some of the money we spent! Here, for your voyeuristic pleasure, is a sampling of our expenses:

1. $2,376.00 on Internet and Television
2. $6,684.00 on Electricity
3. $9,610.00 on Comic Books
4. $7,380.00 on paying other people to take care of our things (pool, lawn, housecleaning, etc.)
5. $2,492.00 on Fast Food
6. $1,430.00 on Diet Coke
7. $15,600.00 on Dining out at nice restaurants
8. $24,380.00 on Amazon.com
9. $2,998.00 on Razors
10. $1,112.00 on Anal Sex Toys
11. $31,456.00 on Underage Thai Prostitutes
12. $1.00 on Deodorant
13. $10,049.00 on Novelty Gag Gifts
14. $6,969.00 on Miniature Pony Statues
15. $134,998.00 on Ebay Items that look like Jesus (toast, a piece of drywall, a skid mark, a glass of Alka Seltzer)
16. $45,800.00 on all of Britney Spears's hair (vaginal, facial, and head)
17. $1,011.00 on Nipple Clamps
18. $4.50 on Men's Clothing
19. $1,390.00 on Women's Clothing
20. $44,399.00 on Professional Art Classes

In retrospect, seems like money well spent.

Goodies

2007-02-23T10:20:00.000-05:00

Saw this at Dave's and Tracy's.

THE BOOK MEME!

Science Fiction, Fantasy or Horror? I enjoy all three in certain doses. I find fantasy to be the most obnoxious genre, and scifi can get old quickly, but when they're good, they're really good.

Hardback or Trade Paperback or Mass Market Paperback? I prefer Hardcovers. Except a 400+ page book really makes my legs fall asleep when I read it on the throne.

Amazon or Brick and Mortar? Amazon.com all the way. I order from them a few times a month. Since I buy books based on authors, I'm not much of a browser, so bookstores hold no appeal.

Barnes & Noble or Borders? If I had to choose, probably B&N.

Hitchhiker or Discworld? Douglas Adams all the way. I've never laughed so hard reading a series.

Bookmark or Dogear? I don't borrow books - I only buy them, so I dogear pages. It's my fucking book. If it's a hardcover with a jacket, I'll use the jacket as a bookmark.

Asimov’s Science Fiction or Fantasy & Science Fiction? Neither.

Alphabetize by author, Alphabetize by title, or random? Alphabetize by author, then by title among the same author. At least, that's my desire. It ends up just being a random stack unless I'm very diligent.

Keep, Throw Away or Sell? I'd never throw away a book, and I'd only sell a bad book. Everything else I keep.

Keep dust-jacket or toss it? Why would you throw it away? Unless you're a fucking retard, that is.

Read with dustjacket or remove it? I use it as a bookmark, so definitely leave it on.

Short story or novel? I love novels and short stories, but I can only read short stories when they're in collections. By themselves, they don't give enough satisfaction.

Harry Potter or Lemony Snicket? I find the Harry Potter books to be a bit predictable, but I enjoy them. They're definitely better than the movies. I haven't yet read the Lemony Snicket books.

Stop reading when tired or at chapter breaks? If I'm tired, I read until the next chapter break. Unless it's really good, and then I turn on my speed reading ability and finish the book at lightning speed.

"It was a dark and stormy night" or "Once upon a time?" Who thinks up these stupid fucking questions?

Buy or Borrow? When I was a kid, I'd take out 50 books every two weeks from the library. Now I buy, because I like to add to my personal library.

Buying choice: Book Reviews, Recommendation or Browse? Well, I'll get a recommendation from someone whose opinion I trust on an author. I'll try one book by that author, and if it's good, I'll buy every book ever written by that person and then read them all in order. I've got a nice list of authors now and whenever they have a new book out, I'm always on the pre-order list on Amazon for it.

Lewis or Tolkien? CS Lewis, all the way. The Narnia books were great as a kid and just as great as an adult. Tolkien, on the other hand, was pompous and overblown and I've never read such tripe in my life. I think Peter Jackson's a fucking hack, too, just in case you were wondering.

Collection (short stories by the same author) or Anthology (short stories by different authors)? Depends on the subject matter. There are some Hellboy anthologies that I like because you get to see different perspectives on a character I like, and then there are collections by my favorite authors that I absolutely love.

Tidy ending or Cliffhanger? I don't think a book should really have a cliffhanger, except in cases like the Dark Tower series or Harry Potter - a set number of books with a definite ending. The Alex Cross novels that Dave mentioned by James Patterson pissed me off with a cliffhanger ending where one didn't belong.

Morning reading, Afternoon reading or Nighttime reading? Whenever I have time and I'm not killing someone, eating, showering, masturbating, or working.

Standalone or Series? Series. I love a good character, and if a writer can maintain the momentum and keep proper characterization, it's like a TV series. Some of my favorites (some are no longer being written) are Spenser (and Hawk) (Robert B. Parker), Lucas Davenport (John Sandford), Stephanie Plum (Janet Evanovich), Will Lee (Stuart Woods), Roland (Stephen King), Myron Bolitar (Harlan Coben), the Precinct (Ed McBain), Archy McNally (Lawrence Sanders), Fletch (Gregory MacDonald), Captain Edward X. Delaney (Lawrence Sanders), Jack Ryan (Tom Clancy), Lestat (Anne Rice), Elvis Cole (Robert Crais), Anita Blake (Laurell K. Hamilton), and Dirk Pitt (Clive Cussler)

New or used? Definitely new - that new book smell and the crack of the spine are favorite sensations.

Favorite book of which nobody else has heard? Blood of the Lamb, by Thomas Monteleone. A priest in New York finds out that he's actually a clone of Jesus's blood from the Shroud of Turin and slowly becomes the Antichrist. Great read, although I just ruined the ending for you. It's still worth reading, though.

Top 5 favorite genre books of all time? I don't know what this means. I read all different genres, and trying to choose five among them would be very difficult.

Favorite genre series? I'll have to just pick my favorite series, and I'll go with the Dark Tower series by Stephen King. The Vampire Chronicles would be a close second, as long as I stop counting any books past Memnoch.

Currently Reading? I'm reading Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. Thanks to Miss Misery for the recommendation and to Beth for buying it for me for my birthday!

And for those of you Neanderthals who don't read books, here are two little tidbits for you to tide you over during the weekend:

1. Naked picture of Jennifer Aniston from her most recent movie. It has been proven to be real because she's suing Perez Hilton for posting it.

2. Video of a woman pleasuring a horse.

Enjoy!

Hair today, gone tomorrow

2007-02-21T22:24:00.000-05:00

Well, my throat wasn't cut by an inexperienced knuckle-dragger who got his barber's license in a Cracker Jack box. I survived and actually enjoyed the experience. The guy cutting my hair was this little tiny wiry guy from New York who had been cutting hair for 25 years.

When I walked in to the shop, I looked like this:

Click on that for a larger version to truly get the full impact of my appearance. I looked like the unholy love child if Bigfoot and Ted Kaczynski fucked.

After running for the door thinking I was a bear foraging for food, the barber calmed down after he realized that most bears don't wear shoes. He sat me down in the chair and asked me what I wanted.

"Shave it all off. Use a #2 on the head. Shave the beard but leave a goatee with a line along my jawline."

With a thick New York/Puerto Rican accent, he explained that shaving my head was beneath him. He is a barber and he had been barbering for many years. My head was just a sculpture that needed to be let out, and he was the artiste to do so.

So I let him do his thing, and after I said no to the afro, the bouffant, and the pigtails, we came up with a nice clean hairstyle that felt nice and wasn't as extreme as a total buzzcut. As a married man, I'm great at telling someone that they're right, so I thanked him for doing what was best for me and told him he clearly was the expert here.

Then it came time for the shave. He makes you put your feet up and elevates you, completely prone on your back. It's actually quite a vulnerable position and makes me more empathetic to how women feel at the ob/gyn and how mobsters feel at the barber's right before they get shot in the face in their chair.

He does the whole thing with steam and hot towels and lather and lube and probing. Then he used an electric razor to trim the beard down. I think he had to change razors two or three times because my beard was so thick it kept burning out the razor motors. Next is a Gillette Mach 3 to do one shave. Since I had a hot towel on my upper face, covering my eyes, I'm not sure how many blades he went through, but I'm sure it was at least four. I think he might have used a blowtorch, a chisel, a sander, and steel wool, as well.

After all this pre-shaving shaving, we got down to the nitty gritty. Out comes the straight razor. The very first thing he does is go right for the jugular and I start spraying blood all over the place. Actually, I barely even felt a thing. The only difference is that a straight razor feels much, much sharper when it's being run across your face when compared to a Mach 3. The barber had this method of shaving a little at a time, and then smoothing with his hand that made it feel like he wasn't shaving at all. I almost feel asleep, it was so soothing, but I didn't. With my luck, I'd start snoring and he'd slit my throat just to get me to shut the fuck up. I know my wife would like to do that some nights.

When he was done (2 hours later) he said, "My God, that was like shaving a bear. I can't believe how stubborn the hairs on your face were - I've never had to shave someone five times before just to get it somewhat smooth!" I laughed because I knew that it would be stubble again by the time I walked out the door. That's the curse of being related to Captain Caveman, I guess. This is the first time in my entire life, though, that my face has felt smooth when I run my hand both up and down! It's like the time I set my pubes on fire instead of trimming them - now that was smooth skin!

So I gladly paid him the money and even signed up for a monthly membership. Unlimited haircuts and shaves for $55/month. Seems like a deal to me - I might even start going once a week. I wonder if they give happy endings?

Oh yeah, and here's the final product:

Hump Day

2007-02-21T07:53:00.000-05:00

Wednesday is usually a good day, because I get my weekly order of comic books. That means that I'll get between 20-40 new comic books that will occupy my free time and my time in the "throne room" for the next two or three days.

It also usually means that I have an episode of Veronica Mars recorded from last night that I can watch today when I eat my lunch, and that always makes me happy.

I'm also finally going to shave my head and get rid of this beard, so that will be nice. While I enjoy being able to frighten away small children (and adults) just by scowling, the constant attack of birds trying to nest on my head or my chin just gets annoying.

I'm thinking of going to this new barbershop called "Carr's". They do old-school barbering including shaving with an actual blade. I don't know if I'm going to go for that, but if I do, here in the land of retards (Orlando), there's a high chance my throat will accidentally get cut. So if I don't post anything tomorrow, you'll know that I slowly died in a pool of my own blood in a barber's chair while some pimple-faced teenager ran around with a bloody razor squealing "Oh my God" in a squeaky pubescent voice. My wife will automatically be a millionaire, so any of you men (or women) who think you're worthy can give her a call. Toodles!

Fun with electricity

2007-02-20T08:43:00.000-05:00

I've been dealing with random power outages for the last four days. Our main circuit breaker on the outside of our house has a bad connection and keeps tripping any time the power coming from it is too much.

Until the fuckwit electricians can get the permit and come fix it (hopefully by tomorrow), we have to limit our electrical use or risk it turning off yet again. This means we can't use the heat, the dishwasher, the washer or dryer, the stove, the oven, the coffeepot, or half of the other shit that we pretty much need to use on a daily basis. When this is compounded with the fact that my business is run out of my house, it means that my phone system, all of our computers and printers, and other random office machinery are all affected every time the power goes out.

Oh, and since the previous owners jury-rigged the control panel to accept the pool pump wiring instead of installing a brand-new control panel, our home warranty won't cover it. So I get to spend almost $800 to have everything done.

I'm about ready to send everyone home for the day and just sit here in the dark.

C'mon, Monday already?

2007-02-19T11:06:00.000-05:00

All weekend, I did nothing. I didn't work. I didn't go out. I played Legend of Zelda for the Wii all weekend long. Is it really Monday already? Damn. I need a new weekend.

Update: If you read me through Bloglines, you may have to resubscribe to the feed thanks to fucking Blogger Beta.

Fry day

2007-02-16T09:51:00.000-05:00

So, the Federal government has decided to fuck with Daylight Savings Time because of some stupid shit that I don't care about, which then screwed up every computer on Earth which meant that Microsoft and Apple had to create fixes to make everyone's computer correct. How ridiculous is that?

I wish the government would do useful things, like rename the days of the week to get us free things. Like, for example, Friday should become "Fry Day", and every fast food place should be federally mandated to give out free french fries! Some other suggestions:

"Fry Day" - see above

"Tater Day" - Free Tater Tots from the grocery store.

"Bun Day" - Free hot dogs at every outside vendor.

"Moon(pie) Day" - Free Moon Pies!

"Tits Day" - Women have to, on request, flash their boobs.

"Weed, Nuts Day" - You can smoke up without repercussion, or get a jar of free nuts. Your choice.

"Words Day" - Make up any word that you want, with a definition, and it will be added to the English lexicon. I'm pretty avitaporated about this day!

Think about where you could go with this. We could have months that are federally mandated to give us goodies, too:

"Man No Hairy" - The first month of the year when everyone can get free haircuts, pube trims, anything related to hair.

"Fib if you're Married" - February will now become a month when spouses (and any couple) can lie and cheat on each other without repercussion. This will also mean no more Valentine's Day!

"Munch" - Eat all you want, what you want. The government won't let you gain an ounce, guaranteed.

"Lay full" - Since you spent all of Munch eating, this month you can sleep and lay around all day around, digesting all your food.

"Gay" - Everybody's happy per federal mandate.

"Loon" - During this summer month, go as crazy as you want. Run around naked, speak in tongues, have sex with sheep, paint your toes purple, scratch the spiders that are crawling under your skin. You have carte blanche to go absolutely loony without worrying about being locked up.

"To Fly!" - Everyone can fly. Just make sure you're on the ground by midnight, To Fly 31st.

"Bloggest" - Bloggers are considered the best people in the world. They get to run the country for a month, including declaring any wars they want, mooning heads of state, and enacting legislature.

"Strep-tember" - Worst month of the year. Everyone has strep throat. The pharmaceutical company lobby convinced the gov't to do this one.

"Cock-tober" - Everyone has a 14 inch penis, women included, for a month. Finally we'll all know what it feels like to be a part of the well-endowed, dark-skinned minority.

"Goo-vember" - Just the unfortunate aftermath of everyone having 14-inch cocks.

"Whee-cember" - The month of roller coasters and fun. Carnivals are required to be in every county in the United States, running 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, all month.

I think I'm a fucking genius!

Fancy

2007-02-15T09:37:00.000-05:00

Well, I didn't go out on any fancy dates last night. In fact, we stayed in, watched TV, and ate chocolate. What could be nicer than that? But I thought you might like to see an artist's rendition of what I look like when I'm dressed to the nines and ready to go out on the town.

Ways to please your significant other

2007-02-14T08:25:00.000-05:00

Here are some tips from me, Casanova Avitable, on ways to make your VD a memorable one:

1. When she's least expecting it, stick a finger in her butt.

2. Flowers are passe. Try raccoon pelts.

3. In order to make sure that your sex tonight lasts as long as possible, have sex with four or five other people immediately beforehand so that you're properly desensitized.

4. Two words: money shot.

5. GHB is great for an after-dinner mint.

6. Rather than be romantic in the mundane setting of your bedroom, try the front yard instead.

7. Stick the roast on your penis and ask her to eat it off. Watch out for grease burns!

8. Hanging artistic nudes of yourself around the house or apartment is a great way to subtly invite her into your bed.

9. As she pulls your pants off in an erotic fury, if you have her panties on underneath, she'll be pleasantly surprised!

10. Record the entire event to video, mark it as "Wedding Ceremony", and stick it in with all of your other personal videos.

11. Rather than using slow-burning, mood destroying candle wax, try lighter fluid.

12. If having sex doggystyle, slapping her hips, waving a lasso in the air, and shouting "Yeehaw!" are all good ways to show affection.

13. Smearing peanut butter on your crotches, especially if you own a dog, is a great way to get the foreplay out of the way quicker.

14. If your lover has a tongue ring, you can have some fellatio fun by slipping a small magnet down your urethra. Sure it will hurt like a motherfucker, but when she's stuck down there, you'll all enjoy a good laugh.

15. Finally: Never, ever, ever, ever let the woman orgasm. It's a well-known fact that if she does, it causes brain damage and paralysis, so for her own safety, get in there, do your business, and finish as quickly as you can.

Update: For all of you retards who can't use Google: GHB.

Repeat for your blogging pleasure

2007-02-13T09:35:00.000-05:00

Some of you may have read this on IT2M, but I thought it was appropriate to repeat since it's almost VD:

When I was in law school, I walked out of the master bedroom in the apartment I shared with my soon-to-be wife and found five gift wrapped packages sitting on our entertainment center. One was a long, rectangular box and the other four were small rectangular packages.

It was January 30th - two weeks from Valentine's Day, and I had been dropping significant hints about our (my) need to get a DVD player. One look at these presents and I was thrilled. She got the hint! I couldn't wait to see which DVDs would be the first to pop the cherry on the brand new DVD player. Back to the Future? Terminator 2? Die Hard? The Princess Diaries? Bambi?

The two weeks go by rapidly and the 14th has arrived. After a great dinner at The Melting Pot, eating our fill of fondue and drinking tasty bubbly, we return to our apartment to open our gifts. I was excited as a little puppy. This doesn't mean I kept peeing on the floor - that's another story for another time. I was, however, tapping my foot on the floor at quite a tempo.

With a grin (I'll always look back on that day knowing it was an evil grin), my wife hands me the presents and lets me tear the paper off. Twelve seconds later, I'm left holding the contents of my awesome Valentine's Day presents: A vacuum cleaner and four vacuum cleaner bags.

Looking back, I have realized the upside to that fateful holiday. I have an eternal guilt trip that I can give my wife at any moment. This means that even if I were to give a bad gift during a holiday or birthday, I can always say, "Well, it could have been a vacuum cleaner," and she loses all right to complain about it in any way. So in that way, it was the best present ever.

Valentine's Day

2007-02-12T08:31:00.000-05:00

Obviously, I have a sense of humor. And it goes without saying that I couldn't be married to someone who didn't also have a great sense of humor. Being able to make each other laugh is one of the foundations of our relationship.

So, every year, for Valentine's Day, I try to come up with something witty for the card that comes with her house flowers (I send her flowers to her work and to the house). Usually, this witty card has something to do with the oh-so subtle comparison of V.D. with, well, VD. And I never put her name or mine, because she knows who they're from, so that seems unnecessary.

I hope your VD brings you more love and less swelling and itching.

Don't be crabby! It's VD!

You get the idea.

The best one I ever did was two years ago: a sheer stroke of genius that still makes me laugh:

Happy VD! You're gonorrheally love these!

So, two years ago, I'm home when her flowers are delivered. I'm looking forward to getting them set up on the table with the card because when she gets home from work, I know that she'll absolutely die laughing. So I set the flowers up, and open the card. I'm dismayed to read this instead:

Dearest Linda,
I love you more than anything in the world. You mean everything to me, and I will never be able to truly express how much I truly love and need you. Love, Eric

So I call the florist and tell the person who answered what happened. She apologizes profusely and says that she'd be happy to send out a new bouquet in a week or so, and that way we can get more flowers for longer. Our subsequent conversation went like this:

"Well, I appreciate that, and I think we would like you to send us extra flowers."

"Okay, sir. I can take care of that immediately."

"There is one other thing, though. Have you read what my card was supposed to say?"

"No. Let me pull that up. . . . . BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Gladys, come look at this. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

"Ma'am, the prob-"

"BWAHAHAHAHAH"

"The prob"

"BWAHAHAHAH"

"The pr-"

"BWAHAHA"

"The"

"BWAHA"

"The problem is that I don't put my name or my wife's name on the card. Do you see where I'm going with this?"

She pauses, stops laughing, and says, "No."

"Well, if I got Eric and Linda's card, which obviously has a very heartfelt, romantic and serious message, then this means that Linda received a card with no names on it that simply says:"

Happy VD! You're gonorrheally love these!

I still feel bad for that poor bastard, Eric.

Update: This post made it to the front page of Drivl! Please go visit and leave some comments saying how awesome I am.

In the spirit of VD

2007-02-10T08:39:00.000-05:00

I'm doing more memes this week because it's been another shitty week this year, I have a friend in town so I don't have as much time, and the lovely Valentine's Day is only three days away! Thanks to BPR. It's about my relationship and marriage. If you want to look at our wedding photos, you can go here.

1. Where/how did you meet?
First week of law school. I was the only guy who was reading a fiction book instead of furiously reading our books for class. That intrigued her so she hit on me.

2. How long have you known each other?
Since August 1998, so eight and a half years.

3. How long after you met did you start dating?
We started dating about two months later, in October. During that period we hung out a lot, which was romantically frustrating!

4. How long did you date before you were engaged?
We decided about four months into our relationship, that if we could stay together through the stress and problems of law school, then we could survive anything, and we'd get married after graduating.

5. How long was your engagement?
I gave her a ring in December. We got married 11 months later. She and I picked out the ring together, though, so it wasn't an official engagement period.

6. How long have you been married?
Six years next October.

7. What is your anniversary?
October 13th.

8. How many people came to your wedding reception?
Around 150, I think. We got married a month after fucking 9/11, so we had some out-of-town guests who weren't willing to fly down.

9. What kind of cake did you serve?
White cake with buttercream icing. We had a nice expensive cake for show, and then a sheet cake in the back to eat.

10. Where was your wedding?
Daytona Beach, Florida. Our original reception hall, which was very nice and "old money", closed down three months before our wedding by putting a sign out on the door telling employees that they'd get their paychecks in the mail. By the way, fuck you Halifax Club. We got into this new place right on a golf course that just started hosting receptions. We almost had to do it in my parents' backyard. That would have been horrendous.

11. What did you serve for your meal?
We had chicken, beef, and vegetarian meals. I can't remember the specifics though.

12. How many people were there in your bridal party?
We had four bridesmaids and four groomsmen.

13. Are you still friends with them all?
Yup. Four of them are siblings, and the rest are very good friends.

14. Did you or your spouse cry during the ceremony?
Nope. We didn't have time. Our ceremony was only 8 minutes long, and it was Catholic!

15. Most special moment of your wedding day?
Don't think we had one. The whole day was special.

16. Any funny moments?
Realizing how long a song is when you're the only ones dancing out there.

17. Any big disasters?
None whatsoever. I ran a tight ship and supervised everything. The wedding coordinator was about to kill me.

18. Where did you go on your honeymoon?
On a cruise.

19. How long were you gone?
4-5 days.

20. If you were to do your wedding over, what would you change?
Not go on a cruise. It was dreadful.

21. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
I sleep on the left side of the bed, unless she's out of town on business. Then I sleep on her side with her pillow.

22. What size is your bed?
Queen

23. Greatest strength as a couple?
I don't even know what this means. Like the Wonder Twins? Shape of an ice cube and form of an eagle?

24. Greatest challenge as a couple?
Running a business is always a challenge. But we're completely supportive of each other, so there aren't any real speed bumps.

25. Who literally pays the bills?
I actually go online to pay them, but we both make the money.

26. What is your song?
We have two: "Nobody does it better," by Carly Simon, and "All I want to do is grow old with you,", by Adam Sandler.

27. What did you dance your first dance to?
"Nobody does it better".

28. Describe your wedding dress?
Fuchsia with a big wreath of sunflowers around my head. Open space so my junk could hang out.

29. What kind of flowers did you have at your wedding?
We kept very minimal flowers. Since the church was already decorated, and since nobody remembers the flowers anyways, we decided to focus on the more important things like food and booze. Our centerpieces were ocean-themed, with glass plates that had white sand and candles, with seashells on them.

30. Are your wedding bands engraved? What do they say?
The insides say AHA AMY, with a heart between them.

The one where Adam has no title

2007-02-09T08:34:00.000-05:00

I hate sleep. If there was a real sleep deprivation study where they gave you lots of chemicals and cybernetic implants so you never really needed to sleep, maybe just recharging for twenty minutes every several hours, I'd totally do it.

Instead of sleeping, I could be working. I could be reading a new book a day. I could watch all of the commentaries on the DVDs that I've had sitting here. I could go work out. I could write my novel. I could get involved in local politics. I could alphabetize my library.

I could work on the inventions I've got in process. I could get better at pool. I could clean the house. I could do all the little household projects that need to be done. I could write more professional articles. I could re-learn Japanese.

I could create a series of dance videos that would revolutionize the world. I could create a polygamist religion that's more hedonistic and fun than LDS. I could streak bare-ass naked through the neighborhood in the middle of the night. I could go alligator fishing in our lake. I could teach our dog to talk, or count.

I could accomplish enough that I could get that statue to me that I deserve.

Fuckin' sleep.

2007 sucks

2007-02-08T08:39:00.000-05:00

This is how the last three weeks have felt. I'm ready for 2008.

On another note, I got nominated for a blog award - the Really Fucking Stupid Blog Awards. I was nominated for "Blogger most likely to get nothing more than a handshake on Valentines Day".

Go vote for me, and look for Britt and vote for her, too!

I'm not lazy . . .

2007-02-07T08:50:00.000-05:00

I'm just busy. So here's another meme, this time from Mr. Fab:

Things that scare me:

1. Vegetables
2. Ugly people
3. Long pants

People that make me laugh:

1. Sarah Silverman
2. Bill Cosby
3. Steven Wright

Things I love:

1. Bacon cheeseburgers
2. Television
3. Michael J. Fox

Things I hate:

1. The uneducated
2. The ignorant
3. The rest

Things I don’t understand:

1. American Idol's popularity
2. Why cake isn't healthy when it has eggs and milk and flour
3. Where babies come from

Things on my desk:

1. A tower of Diet Coke cans
2. A pile of porn, comic books and magazines
3. Jolt caffeinated gum

Things I’m doing right now:

1. Swordfighting
2. Speaking with a sexy Spanish accent
3. Cutting a "Z" into everything

Three things I want to do before I die:

1. Buy a villa in Italy
2. Buy a home in California
3. Streak through a high school

Things I can do:

1. Pound my chest
2. Throw feces with unerring aim
3. Challenge other gorillas and win

Things you should listen to:

1. Me
2. Avril Lavigne
3. Gwen Stefani

Things you should never listen to:

1. Your conscience
2. Anyone on a street corner who is clearly homeless
3. Justin Timberlake

Things I would like to learn:

1. How to read
2. Why it's not good to punch people when you first meet them
3. How to assemble a nuclear weapon

Favorite foods:

1. Bacon cheeseburger
2. Filet Mignon
3. Birthday cake

Favorite beverages:

1. Diet Coke
2. Diet Coke with Lime
3. Hot chocolate

TV shows I watched, books I read as a kid:

1. The Hardy Boys
2. The Judy Blume novels
3. The Great Brain series
4. Encyclopedia Brown

Things I like about Avitable:

1. He's funny.
2. He's obviously a fucking genius.
3. He's damn sexy.

And that's it for today. If you're up for it, steal this and do it yourself.

I think I need a butler

2007-02-06T08:53:00.000-05:00

I think I need a manservant of some sort. Someone who can constantly keep the house clean, bring me Diet Cokes on a regular basis, provide shoulder massages, go to the grocery store daily for the evening's meal, cook the evening's meal, sort the mail, do the laundry, answer the phone, answer the door, shop for my clothes, cut my hair, clean the windows, iron the curtains, do the dishes, clean the pool, trim the hedges, tend to the garden, wash my back, vacuum the dog hair, feed the dog, walk the dog, help me fight crime, clip my toenails, trim my ball hair, and serve all meals on silver platters with lids.

Is that too much for this humble gorilla man to ask?

Word game

2007-02-04T22:45:00.000-05:00

Thanks to The Brain Bombs. Simple word association. Here we go:

1. Cigarette: Disgusting
2. Sex: Naked
3. Relationship: Healthy
4. Ex: Y
5. Power: Manipulation
6. Create: Imagination
7. Job: Fun
8. Food: Cheeseburger
9. Type: A-Type
10. Home: Beautiful
11. Care: Love
12. Value: Friendship
13. Eve: Summer's
14. Jest: Comedy
15. Religion: Polarizing
16. Thunder: Rolls
17. Fear: Unknown
18. Marriage: Amazing
19. Back: Butt
20. Spark: Flame
21. Tear: Rend
22: Trust: Strong
23: Boredom: Football
24. Inside: Safe
25: Fire: Quit
26. Game: Wii
27: Soft: Weak
28: Ice: Diamond
29: Hard: Penis
30: Because: Reason
31. Community: Idiots
32. Wood: Fire
33. Theme: Bond
34. Love: Passion
35. Hate: Everyone
36. Friendship: Many
37. Money: Power
38. Heartache: Pain
39. Lust: Immature
40. Time: Gone
41. Divorce: Never

This is how much I know about football.

2007-02-04T16:40:00.000-05:00

I've seen Necessary Roughness and Remember the Titans. I fast-forwarded through Any Given Sunday.

I used to laugh at the SNL sketch talking about 'da Bears and 'da Bulls.

I threw a football once when I was 12.

Other than that, I'm completely flummoxed. And apathetic. At the very least they could add spikes, or the occasional land mine to make it more interesting. What's the point of watching someone move a ball from one side of a yard to another? If there were random explosions, or cannons firing from the sidelines, that would be something to watch.

So off I go to a Superbowl party. And go team!

Two bits

2007-02-03T10:22:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking that it might be time for a shave and a haircut. I'll trim my beard back down to only being a line that goes along my jawline and attaches to a goatee. And I think I'll shave my head down to about a 1/4 inch. What do you think?

Avitable as a teenager

2007-02-02T08:54:00.000-05:00

Although you might not know it from this sexy picture, I did a lot more than pose in front of brick walls with stylin' jean jackets over my shoulder when I was in high school. I did many things that I recollect with some chagrin. Here are five things (for once, none of these are exaggerated or manufactured in any way):

1. I liked to roll my sleeves up because I thought it looked cool and it showed off my trunk-like arms. However, the sleeves would always roll down throughout the day, so I came up with a handy solution. I stapled the sleeves to my arm. Yup. I opened the staples, hit it against my arm and stapled through the sleeve into the flesh of my arm. I can't believe I didn't get tetanus or something from doing this. And, of course, all of my sleeves had two tiny holes with little bloodstains, too.

2. I was the most aggressive driver you've ever known. I don't care how fast you drove in school or the crazy shit you did or your friend did or your brother did. I was much, much worse. I had a huge Chrysler Fifth Avenue that I would take off-roading, jumping hills and spinning out. If I was behind two cars going the same direction on a two lane road, I would actually drive between them and force them to the outer edge of their respective lanes. I would stand up in the sunroof and drive with my foot. I would drive this car so fast, with a speedometer that stopped at 100, that the speedometer would spin almost around to 0, things would blur around me, and the car would start to shimmy, almost like when a plane takes off. I'm still an aggressive driver, now, and much of that is because I survived being a kid, but I'm very aware of my surroundings when I drive. But I'm not nearly that bad anymore.

3. During lunch, I would sit in the cafeteria with a few friends and we would try to stump each other with Calculus problems that we'd make up on the spot. When we got bored with that, we'd see who could name the most elements of the Periodic Table in order.

4. I used compact mirrors to create shoe mirrors for looking up the skirts of the girls I liked. I was discovered when I was trying to stretch my foot out and fell out of my chair. Luckily, it wasn't in the middle of class - just the girl and I as teacher aides. I can only imagine what would have happened with today's overly litigious over-reactive society. I probably would have gone to jail as a sex offender. I would also give shoulder massages to girls, and while massaging, I would use a finger on each side to lift their bra away from their body so I could look right down the front of their shirt without them even noticing a thing.

5. I worked for several different movie places - retail, rental, etc. During that time, I stole hundreds of dollars worth of movies. In the rental place, it was easy. After a movie was no longer on the main rack, we took a few of them that we made pre-viewed and available for sale. We then deleted these from the system completely per company policy. This meant, however, that there was no record of the quantity of them out there or how many we sold. I just took one of each, every time. In the retail place, a friend would just come in, pick the movies he wanted, plus the ones I wanted, an walk up to the register. I would pretend to ring him out, scan all of his movies, put them in a bag with a fake receipt, and he would walk right out the door. All in front of the cameras and even sometimes the manager. We would also go to different music places, go to the discount bin, and find CDs that were selling for $1. Then we would walk around the store, carefully peel the labels off, and then put them on the CDs we really wanted. The cashier would just ring them up by scanning the label and voila!

Ode to my grandmother

2007-02-01T10:49:00.000-05:00

My paternal grandmother passed away on Saturday. Even though I hadn't seen her in person in about six years, I felt like I knew her. She had a wicked sense of humor and was very sharp, even up until the end. I wish I had gone up to Braintree to spend more time with her and my grandfather, or that they had decided to make the move down so that I could spend as much time with them as I do my maternal grandparents. At any rate, it's too late now, but I know that I got my sense of humor from her and from my maternal grandfather. We'll miss you Nana. I hope that, now that you're in heaven, you'll easily forgive me for posting these photos of you that I found online:

Not quite the whore that Britt is, but close

2007-01-30T22:28:00.000-05:00

I'm whoring myself out here. I got my "Douche" article posted on Page 2 of Drivl.

Go check it out and leave me lots of comments!

Update: I don't know if it's because of all the comments you guys left or if someone else at Drivl thought my submission deserved even more attention, but I just got bumped up to the front page. Sweet!

Today was not my day . . .

2007-01-30T00:02:00.000-05:00

So as I was suspending myself from my testicles attached to a rope in the ceiling so that I could properly masturbate to a video of a woman giving a horse a blowjob, the doorbell rang. I answered the door al natural, and the Girl Scouts ran off screaming, dropping a box of cookies. I picked them up and chased after the girls yelling "I have your goodies!" and while doing this, the rope tied to my scrotum caught my dog's collar and she was dragged after me.

Running after two girls who were faster than I was while dragging a dog by my testicles was exhausting, so I decided to sit down on a nearby traffic cone. Much to my chagrin, the cone went halfway up my ass and became lodged there. Standing seemed only to secure the cone there, so I decided to return home, dog attached to my balls and orange traffic cone sticking at a 45 degree angle out of my ass.

Upon returning home, I discovered that the front door was locked. Frustrated, I went around to the side yard to climb over the fence. While clambering over, I caught my penis in a knothole on one of the boards at the same time that I spotted the neighbor's daughter sunbathing topless in the yard next door to me. My resulting erection caused me to be stuck firmly in the knothole, where I waited patiently, thinking of Margaret Thatcher. That just made it worse, so I thought about Dennis Rodman. The pain radiating from that throbbing erection almost made me pass out, so I thought of Rosie O'Donnell until the swelling went down.

Carefully extricating myself, I entered the backyard, dog in tow attached to my scrot, orange cone up my ass, splintered dick in hand. I walked up to the back porch, quietly opened the door, and decided to go back to bed.

And so goes another day in the life of Avitable . . .

Bette Midler is a cunt

2007-01-29T08:26:00.000-05:00

So this weekend we celebrated my birthday. I ate lots of steak and cake, ice cream that had peanut butter and chocolate in it, and played Nintendo with some good friends.

Now that I'm 30, I find myself forgetting everything.

Did I remember to feed the dog?

Did I just take the trash out in the nude?

Do I like my cheeseburgers with or without bacon?

It's horrible having degenerative memory, but at my old age, I guess it's expected. I'm going to go put on Depends, eat some fiber, watch Matlock, and write angry letters to the editor.

What does this have to do with the title? I don't remember!

Today is a holiday

2007-01-26T07:32:00.000-05:00

In honor of my 30th birthday, I'm posting a picture of myself in my birthday suit! Although, since I don't have a camera, I had to draw from memory.

Thank you to Cat, Poppy, CP, Britt, Tracy, Andrew, and Brent for the awesome birthday gifts. The rest of you have a one-year grace period whereby any gifts or cards are automatically considered to be part of this birthday. I'm nice like that. Well wishing in the comments will count as a gift for today only.

And don't forget to find one of my awesome partners in crime, Amy, and wish her a happy birthday, too! She may be a wee bit older and she may have a hairdo that looks like Dorothy Hamill, but her birthday is just as important. Go ask her for pictures of her in her birthday suit, too!

ANOTHER UPDATE: Thanks, too, to Mr. and Mrs. Fab for the awesome chocolate cake with Batman on top!

Lazytown

2007-01-25T09:12:00.000-05:00

Today I'm doing a meme. I didn't get it from anyone - I just decided to list 5 more things you don't know about me:

1. My grandmother's side of the family is descended from John Alden, who is an ancestor of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, John Adams, John Quincy Adams, FDR, Orson Welles, Marilyn Monroe, and Dan Quayle. My wife's family also thinks they have ties to John Adams and John Quincy Adams. So apparently I'm married to a cousin.

2. The only bone I've ever broken was my thumb after sliding into second base as a kid. It wasn't broken when it happened, it was probably sprained, maybe a hairline fracture. However, when I was home, sitting it on some ice at the kitchen table, and my little brother came up and smashed his fist into my thumb, that broke it.

3. For an entire series of photos during a Christmas 1993 or 1992, I have an eyepatch. Unfortunately, it wasn't because I was a kick-ass pirate. It was because this same little brother threw a stick directly into my eye. To this day I still have little floaters if I look at a bright light.

4. As a child, I was quite a somnambulist. When I was 5, my father woke up to find me standing at the bottom of the stairs that led to the master bedroom, dressed in my school clothes with my backpack on, ready to go to school, completely asleep. That's got to be creepy! I mean, little kids are creepy already, but a sleepwalking one? I'm surprised they didn't exorcise me. When I was 13 or 14, I woke up outside, sitting on the doghouse, in my underwear. The door I went out was locked, so I still am not sure what happened.

5. I can curl my toes underneath my feet and walk on the toe-knuckles like a gorilla. Someday, I just know all of my toes are going to break simultaneously as I do this and I will deserve it.

A couple of points

2007-01-23T23:48:00.000-05:00

It's a bullet! It's Avitable! It's random shit for you to read!

Check out my guest post on What Greg Likes, a great source for cool music.
My birthday is in three days. It's still not too late to send me a birthday card or a gift! Send all correspondence to 605 Birch Blvd, Altamonte Springs, FL 32701. I'm gonna be 30, people! Old! Decrepit! Senile! I need some love from all of you if I'm going to survive.
I'm operating at such a high level of stress right now that I actually don't want to work. I'd like to sit on the couch, watch movies, eat chocolate cake and cheeseburgers and not move from that spot for a few days. It's not going to happen, though - the only way to get rid of the stress is to alleviate it, which means working harder.
If you haven't watched this week's 24, skip this bullet. If you have watched it, can you believe who Jack's brother was? That was fucking jaw-dropping! This show is so ludicrous that it's laughable, but it's so hard not to watch it!
On the other hand, Heroes was completely boring this week. I'm so close to dropping it off my TV roster.
In every relationship, the partners have a list - the random celebrities that he or she would sleep with given a chance. It doesn't erode the trust, it doesn't affect the relationship - it's just a fun little list. Who's on yours? Mine shows that I have a unique taste in women. #1. Sarah Silverman. #2. Amanda Peet. #3. Avril Lavigne. #4. Kristen Bell. #5. Alyson Hannigan.
It's 12:04 AM Wednesday and I'm going to bed. Nothing left to say - see you tomorrow!

Limericks

2007-01-23T08:39:00.000-05:00

Mr. Fab did a few limericks, but couldn't come up with one for Avitable. So I decided to show him how a real poet does it.

There was a family named Avitable.
They made their home quite hospitable.
So they had lots of guests,
Who occasionally became pests,
And their subsequent murders were inevitable.

A hairy monkey bastard was Adam Avitable.
He had hair from his feet up past his mandibles.
He swung from a tree,
Tried to drink his own pee,
Fell down and is now very irritable.

It's true that all things are inevitable,
Especially the rise of a genius named Avitable,
He's smart as a whip,
As sharp as a snip,
It's just too bad he's so damn disagreeable.

And here's some more artwork for you - a family portrait:

MAD Magazine. 13 years ago

2007-01-22T00:22:00.000-05:00

Why I'm Wonderful

2007-01-21T09:11:00.000-05:00

Kal did this and I decided it would be a good Sunday post:

If you had to choose one vice in exclusion of all others what would it be?

That's an easy one. Sonny Crockett.

If you could change one specific thing about the world what would it be?

I'd go back in time and kill Peter Jackson as a baby so that we would never have had those abominations on film called the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

Name the cartoon character you identify with the most.

Cartoon character? Is Comic Book Guy (aka Louis Lane) from The Simpsons too much of a stretch? But he's the loser-type geek, so that doesn't work. Probably Space Ghost, then.

If you could live one day in your life over again which one would it be?

That day when I was out in Punxsutawney reporting on the groundhog. I remember waking up that morning and Sonny and Cher were playing on the radio "I Got You Babe". I met a friend of mine who sold insurance and tried to hook up with my producer, who looked a lot like Andie MacDowell. I'd love to live that day over and over again.

If you could go back in history and spend a day with one person who would it be?

I can't pick just one. William M. Gaines (co-founder of MAD Magazine). John Candy. Charlie Chaplin. Bill Hicks. George Burns.

What is the one thing you lost, sold or threw away that you wish you could have back?

Other than my soul? I really wish I could get back those racy photos I sold to "Gay Men's Quarterly". I was young and needed the money.

What is your one most important contribution to this world?

My church has brought enlightenment to tens of people. The contribution I'll eventually make to the gene pool will probably outshadow that.

What is your one hidden talent that nearly no one knows about?

I don't hide my talents. What's the point? I make sure each person knows about all of the hundreds of ways that I am talented.

What is your most cherished possession?

My glorious wonderful TV.

What one person influenced your life the most when growing up?

I have to pick one? William M. Gaines.

What one word describes you better than any other?

Hugepenis. And if you sticklers are going to say that doesn't count, then "sarcastic". Intelligent. Twisted. Evil. Amusing. I don't know. Go fill out my Johari window and you tell me!

UPDATE: Here's my Nohari window, with negative personality attributes. If you fill it out, put your fuckin' name. Don't be a pussy and be anonymous - nothing you can ever say will hurt my feelings or make me dislike you. I'm fully aware of every single one of my negative attributes. I revel in most of them!

Not totally issueless

2007-01-20T11:19:00.000-05:00

I'm going to make a stand here and say that other than operating in a medical, life-saving capacity, nothing is more stressful than running your own business, especially when you have employees who depend on you for income.

This is going to be very true when the company is in its first 2-4 years, so it is struggling to find its place in the market. Every two weeks just becomes a challenge to make sure that you can make payroll and pay the bills that keep the company going. As the company grows and gets stronger, you know that revenue coming in will be more consistent, your branding will be even more recognizable, and you'll become entrenched in the dynamics of the profession. But in the here and now, it's all about making enough so that each employee gets paid on time, the supplies get ordered and paid for, your marketing keeps running, and you don't take a step backwards.

Internally, I'm aware that it will work out. I don't fail when I've set out to accomplish something. Ever. However, there are the rare fleeting moments where I have self-doubt. Those just get filed away to keep me humble once things are as smooth and easy as they will be in a couple of years.

Aches and pains

2007-01-19T09:25:00.000-05:00

So I can't look to the left, right, up or down without pain in my neck and shoulders. Even sitting straight up just aches. I pulled some muscle or strained something, and there's only one reason I can think of.

I generally get up around 6:30-7 every morning and go straight to my computer. I sit down and start working, and usually work until 8 PM. Then I'll watch TV with Amy for an hour or two until she goes to bed, and then go back and work until midnight-1 AM. Then I go to sleep and start all over again. I do this seven days a week. I rarely do anything, and I'm not active because I'm working so much.

So, since I've gotten my birthday present early, my Nintendo Wii (side note: anyone want to add me as a Wii Friend, just email me), I've tweaked my routine. I'll take some time and hang out in the living room playing with the Nintendo. As long as I have the phone with me so I can answer company calls, I don't mind taking a break from sitting in front of the computer.

The Nintendo is a very active game. It requires constant hand motions - you don't have to make sweeping dramatic movements, but it's more fun to do so. I've been playing a game called Red Steel which requires the constant use of both arms, moving and swinging and button pressing. Playing that for a few hours made me feel a bit sore, but that was it. Then, about two or three hours later, BLAM! I couldn't move my neck and both arms twinged when I moved them.

So now I'm just popping Ibuprofen during the day and Percoset at night so I can sleep. It will heal on its own but what a pain in the ass! I refuse to go the doctor for one reason. I will not walk in and tell her that I hurt my neck and shoulders playing with my "Wii".

Here's some eyecandy

2007-01-18T08:26:00.000-05:00

Today's post is all about you. I wanted to reward you with some eye candy. And here you go (and yes, it is safe for work):

Oh yeah, now that you've enjoyed that picture, go check out this week's Word Game at Cindra's blog. I posted another entry, and this time I went funny. Last time I tried serious, but funny seemed to win the day. So check it out and vote for the one that you think is the best. Hopefully it's mine.

Birthday wishes

2007-01-17T08:16:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday, Britt!

While there are a few other birthdays today, too, it is my duty to celebrate Miss Britt's first and foremost!

At the tender age of 27, Britt has accomplished more than you can ever imagine. I'm sorry if this embarrasses you, Britt, but I have to list some of your amazing accomplishments:

1. At the age of 12, she won an Academy Award for portraying the daughter of Carrie Fisher in "Mommie Dearest 2: The Reckoning."
2. She has given birth to fourteen children (one every nine months since she turned 18), but her ob/gyn says that her vagina is that of a four year old boy.
3. For three years, she was number 6 on the FBI's Top Ten Most Wanted Criminals list due to confusion with her name and that of convicted serial killer Brett who shared the same last name.
4. Britt holds the Guiness Book's World Record for drunk flashing after going to Mardi Gras and showing 43,410 people her tits while she was drunk on Jagermeister.
5. Warren Buffett calls her when he needs financial advice. Unfortunately, she always thinks it's Jimmy Buffett and starts singing "Margaritaville".
6. During an adventurous sales trip, she actually sold ice to Eskimos.
7. While she is obsessed with Prince, she will never admit this stems from a childhood encounter with an effeminate midget at a circus in Minneapolis who gave her free cotton candy.
8. The term "MILF", as coined in American Pie, was actually created when the film's writers ran into Britt during a shopping trip at the Mall of America.
9. Britt can run a 10-mile marathon, smoke a pack of cigarettes, drink a bottle of wine, and juggle four chainsaws without breaking a sweat, blindfolded!

So go on over and visit her and wish her a happy birthday and worship her a little, just like she deserves!

Douchebag

2007-01-16T08:59:00.000-05:00

I've had an issue that I've been mulling for a while. It's perplexing me, and I'm hoping that the collective intelligence of the blogging community can help answer this question.

Why do we use "douche" or "douchebag" or "douchenozzle" as a pejorative term when referring to someone?

First of all, douche is a French word meaning "wash". And while it might be trendy to use any French word as a pejorative among the moral majority (and mental minority), it doesn't make any sense.

Douching is also widely considered to be a cleansing activity. It rinses and cleans, flushing out the bad. While the reality of the situation is that women who douche might cause more harm than good because they can upset their chemical balance and cause further irritation and infection, the general impression among people is that it's a good thing.

So if most people consider it to be a cleansing activity and a good thing, why is it used to describe bastards, slouches, nogoodniks and punks?

Maybe it's the act of douching. By calling someone a name that implies they have been stuck inside a vagina, that could be an insult, I guess. But we already call people dicks or cocks, so that's already taken care of.

Personally, I think that since douching is considered by the general public to be a good thing, we should start referring to people who perform acts of humanity or charity as douches.

"That Mother Theresa was a real douche. She helped a lot of people."

"It's Martin Luther King Day! That man was a visionary and a douchebag."

"Happy birthday, Mom. Thank you for being such a huge douche."

Too much genius in one room

2007-01-14T23:26:00.000-05:00

Sunday was the day when Mr. Fabulous, Certifiable Princess, and their respective spouses came to call.

My wife and I cleaned out the double-wide the best we could, put the pit bulls in their cages, and dusted off the vinyl card table. We got the good china out - the stuff we got with Happy Meals from McDonald's - and put out some tap water and Orange Puffs.

Mr. Fab was wearing a hot pink leotard that left nothing to the imagination. He had an erection that he kept stroking like it was a pet throughout the evening. We couldn't help but stare.

CP arrived in a horse-drawn carriage and had a harem of young men in banana hammocks lift her out of the carriage and carry her to the front door. Once inside, the harem formed a chair upon which she perched. The tiara on her head had to have about a thousand little diamonds on it.

Once CP arrived (over an hour late), Mr. Fab and I had already done the whole circle jerk/mutual masturbation thing three or four times, so we had to put ice on our respective crotches while CP did this weird little erotic dance with a boa that was last seen in Mr. Fab's infamous dance video. I've never seen anyone deep throat something that long, though, so I was pretty impressed.

Once our crotches had cooled off, we played some naked Twister, then lounged by the sewage pond behind the double-wide and tried to see who could fart the alphabet. CP won. She got to G before she accidentally . . . well, let's just say that we needed to repaint that side of the trailer anyways.

During this entire event, our spouses hid in the bathroom and plotted their escape. They didn't realize that I have a hidden camera in the bathroom for the times when I invite schoolchildren inside to use the potty, so we heard all of their attempts and foiled their plans easily by letting the pit bulls out.

We capped off the evening by drinking champagne first down CP's cleavage, then Mr. Fab's cleavage, and then mine. I gave them each an ebony-colored butt plug to remember me by, and they were on their way.

CP and Mr. Fab got a picture taken of the three of us before the night's end. I didn't have my camera, so I don't have a picture. However, to the best of my drunken memory, I sketched an artist's rendition. And here it is (click it for the bigger, clearer version)!

Music meme

2007-01-12T15:54:00.000-05:00

From Dave, who is, by the way, one of my Wii Friends. Find my Wii Friend number in an earlier post and add me, too! All the cool kids are doing it. Here's the meme:

Open iTunes. Click the column header for "Play Count". What are the first five songs listed?

* Run, by Air
* Clubbed2Death, by Rob D (Matrix Soundtrack)
* Furious Angel, by Rob D (Matrix Reloaded)
* Hung Up, by Madonna
* Halcyon, by Orbital

Click the column header for Last Played. What are the first 5 songs?

* Go Go Gadget Gospel, by Gnarls Barkley
* Fett's Vett, by MC Chris
* Hollaback Girl, by Gwen Stefani
* Only The Good Die Young, by Billy Joel
* Mr. Brightside, by The Killers

Click Party Shuffle. What are the first 5 songs?

* Da Da Da, by Trio
* Keys to Your Love, by the Rolling Stones
* Aliens Exist, by Blink 182
* Lounge Act, by Nirvana
* You Could Be Mine, by Guns N' Roses

Click the column header Year. What are the first 5 albums from 1994?

* Mellow Gold, by Beck
* No Need to Argue, by The Cranberries
* Dookie, by Green Day
* Live Through This, by Hole
* Pieces of You, by Jewel

Click the column header My Rating. What are the first 5 albums?

* Talkie-Walkie, by Air
* Lost in Translation Soundtrack, by Various
* I'd Like a Virgin, by Richard Cheese
* Little Plastic Castle, by Ani DiFranco
* Blood Sugar Sex Magik, by RHCP

Finally, look at the bottom of your iTunes window. How many days of music do you have?

* 26.5 days

Clownin' around

2007-01-12T09:54:00.000-05:00

Last night was the circus. Amy have gone every year since we met each other, 8 years ago. It's always a blast, and last night was no exception. We always get seats in the first, second, or third rows, so we have a great view. The cost isn't too bad, although they really anally rape you once you get in the arena. Bag of cotton candy? $10. Plastic light-up sword? $19. Hot dog, nachos, soda and bottled water? $29.00. Holy shit! I normally don't notice prices on things, and even I was surprised at the mark-up. I guess they have to make up for waning audiences somehow.

The only obnoxious thing was the product placement. The clowns did an act in the beginning that was basically a commercial for Campfire Marshmallows. I don't mind product placement in the arena or programs, but actually getting the audience to do a round-robin battle of yelling "Campfire" and then "Marshmallows" was pretty fucking ridiculous.

This year, there were a few new things that were notable. One act was a troupe of Asian women who varied in age from 4 to 60 doing amazing balancing stunts. The young girl they kept putting on top of the pyramids couldn't have been older than 6, which made it that much more impressive. Here's a picture of them doing a crazy stunt, where they laid on their chests, arced their backs and feet behind them, and then the next row basically balanced their heads on the previous girls' pelvis and did the same thing. I'm rarely impressed but this was cool.

Another thing that was different was the focus on Bello Nock, the clown. He's the one with the hair that stands about a foot and a half tall. They had more of him throughout the show than they usually do. They even had a segment where everyone had Bello wigs on, even the elephants.

I was particularly interested to see that Bello did many of the same tricks as many of the other performers. There was one act with these vertical poles that went up about thirty feet in the air. They were unsupported on top, so they dipped and moved very easily, especially with people on top. Bello climbed up one and a female performer climbed up the other, and they did some impressive acrobatics up there. He also did some trapeze work and a few other non-clown things that gave me a lot of respect for him.

And of course, there was the typical circus fare. Elephants, tigers (although these tigers seemed particularly feisty this year), horses, dogs, high wire acts, and a finale with a dual human cannonball act that was awesome.

All in all, a great time was had by all. Now we can't wait until next year!

Weekly Word Game

2007-01-11T11:36:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Mr. Fab, I visited Cindra's Weekly Word Game.

It's a clever concept. She picks 13 words and asks everyone to write a story, poem, or other piece that incorporates those 13 words. It's clever and hard to write something creatively that doesn't sound stilted when you're trying to work in specific words. Then, she has people vote for the best story. All of the authors are anonymous.

And yes, I wrote one. It's awesome. And clever. And amazing. But that's just because I wrote it. I can't tell you which one mine, but I encourage you to go visit, read the options, and vote for the one that you think is the best.

I wish I could tell you which one I voted for, but I can't. Just choose the best one, and you'll clearly choose mine!

I say to you: Go vote!

Celebrate my wii-ness

2007-01-10T10:23:00.000-05:00

I just got my birthday present from my wife. Actually, I ordered it online and told her thank you. It's a Nintendo Wii! And it is fucking awesome.

I'm very excited, and I'd like all of you to come virtually stroke my Wii-ness. You can play with my Wii-ness all you'd like.

Now I'm looking for other Wii-ners out there who would like to virtually play with our Wii-nesses at the same time.

My Wii Friend # is 5636 0530 3030 9690.

Find me and register me. To do that, just go to the messageboard and click "Register".

That's all I'm going to post. Now I'm going to go in the living room and play with my Wii-ness in full view of everyone.

Why?

2007-01-09T08:42:00.000-05:00

Got this from here who got it from here:

Why do people do this to themselves? What possible pleasure comes from something like this? Is it just mental retardation? Stupidity? The inability of people to realize that pain is not the same as pleasure? Or is this just a part of society that should be wiped from the map?

Click on my horrified expression to see the picture:

Thank you!

2007-01-08T22:13:00.000-05:00

UPDATE: Thank you, Tracy, for the gift!

To whomever sent me this book:

Thank you! I would thank you personally, but unfortunately, the seller who sent it to me did not put a packing slip of any kind inside, so I have no idea who my generous gift giver is.

Out yourself in the comments, or email me, please, so I can thank you profusely.

And for those of you who haven't yet showered me for gifts for my 30th birthday, at which point I'll officially be old, here you go:

For Amazon:

And for Thinkgeek:

My wishlist

An Anime Simpsons

2007-01-08T08:02:00.000-05:00

Just a light post today.

This artist rendered the Simpsons as if they were anime characters. I'm not a fan of anime, but I thought this was pretty clever. I'd like to see an expanded cast version, with Rod and Tod, Lenny, Karl, the Comic Book Guy (aka Louis Lane), Hans Moleman, Jasper, the pets, Ralph, Martin, Dr. Hibberd, and Dr. Nick.

Accents

2007-01-06T10:49:00.000-05:00

This is an interesting quiz. I almost wish it was longer, because it is surprisingly accurate. I was born in Boston, lived there for three years, and then moved to Florida. My parents and grandparents have thicker accents (they pahk the cah, something that's big is yooge, and wicked is still used to describe something cool), but I don't think I really have an accent. I might have a small affectation of their accent when I hang out with them more, but other than that, I think it's a pretty flat American accent. I was impressed that this quiz managed to suggest that I have a Boston accent.

What American accent do you have? Your Result: Boston You definitely have a Boston accent, even if you think you don't. Of course, that doesn't mean you are from the Boston area, you may also be from New Hampshire or Maine.
The West
The Midland
North Central
Philadelphia
The Northeast
The Inland North
The South
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Video Friday

2007-01-05T09:27:00.000-05:00

Today I bring you a video that is hilarious and scary as hell. And no, it's not another one of me dancing:

Oh, and if you can't guess, that's a Tickle Me Elmo being torched. Make sure you have your sound on.

I'm such a hypocrite

2007-01-04T08:06:00.000-05:00

Okay, this might seem hypocritical, but I've started going through my bloglines feeds and realizing how many people posted that meme I posted yesterday (before and after I posted it). Coming up with answers for all of you is impossible, so I've decided that, rather than go to each of your blogs and answer each question one at a time, I'll answer them all simultaneously from here:

Your nickname is Bitchy McCuntface III.

You are very loveable. In fact, I have an erection just thinking about you.

I have known you since the day that we met, online or in person.

I found your blog that time that my browser went to the URI that is redirected by the DNS server to your IP address. Oh, what a day that was.

My first impression was that I had found a blog!

Yes, I still think it's a blog.

You would be chocolate peanut butter ice cream. Because that's my favorite ice cream flavor.

What makes you happy? Your significant other. Memories of good times. A good meal. And me dancing.

What makes you sad? Deaths in the family. A heartwrenching news story. Britney and K-Fed's breakup.

Every time I hear "Cop Killer", by Ice T, I think of you.

If I could give you anything, I'd give you a rainbow. In a box. Chained so it can't get away. And beaten into bloody submission.

I consider you a friend. With benefits. Now send me a naked photo of yourself.

I visit your blog every time Bloglines tells me you posted something new. If you don't have comment notifications, I will check your blog constantly to see if you replied to my witty, kick-ass comment, unless I don't really care that much, at which point I will not.

There's nothing I couldn't tell you. I make my entire life like an open book for any stranger to read. And you're not a stranger - you're a friend with benefits!

I reserve my move-making for very few people. Sorry, but we'll just have to have a little mutual masturbation and call it even.

If I were to describe you in one word, I'd say: Human.

I feel like I could talk to you about anything. I'm bearing my soul right now, and you're listening, right?

You cross my mind every time I think of you.

I like that you blog, and that it's legible and I can read it. And that sometimes it makes me laugh and sometimes it makes me think.

I don't like that sometimes it's boring and sometimes it is just something I don't care about. And it needs more nudity!

***********
All done. You're all welcome.

so fuckin' sue me

2007-01-03T10:22:00.000-05:00

I'm tired and non-creative, so I'm stealing this list of obnoxiously sappy questions to post that all of you fuckers have to answer. Since 10 or 15 of you have done this, I'm not linking all of you. Tough. I've edited out one or two of the stupider questions. Post the answers in the comments.

1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.

2. Am I loveable?

3. How long have you known me?

4. When and how did you first find my blog?

5. What was your first impression?

6. Do you still think that way about me now?

7. If I was an ice cream flavor, which would I be and why?

8. What makes me happy?

9. What makes me sad?

10. What song (if any) reminds you of me?

11. If you could give me anything what would it be?

12. Do you consider me a friend?

13. How often do you visit my blog?

14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn’t?

15. Would you make a move on me?

16. Describe me in one word.

17. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?

18. What do you like most about me/my blog?

19. What do you dislike most about me/my blog?

The first day of the end of my life

2007-01-02T07:12:00.000-05:00

Ok, acolytes of the Church of Holy Avitableness - here is your chance to show your worthiness.

On CP's blog, she has posted actual dance videos of myself and Mr. Fab. Go to her site and vote on the dance that you like the most.

If you do, you'll immediately go to Bloghalla and be loved forever by yours truly.

UPDATE: As far as I can tell, I won. Thank you for voting! In case you didn't have a chance to see the video, I'll embed it here for your viewing pleasure. You should also go visit Fab's site to see his awesome video. He was a worthy competitor!

Important upcoming event

2007-01-01T09:41:00.000-05:00

On January 26, 1977, a wondrous creature was borne into this world and has graced the rest of you unwashed masses with his wisdom, humor, and blinding genius.

Yup. I turn 30 in 25 days. You'd better start preparing now.

And stay tuned for a video of me kicking Mr. Fab's ass via dance-off.

UPDATE: At the urging of a very wise person, I've posted my wishlists up here so that you can shower me with gifts. For every gift I receive, I'll provide the gifter with a provocative photo of yours truly. (I realize that most people would never want that, but maybe if I start a trend, my favorite female bloggers will follow suit!)

For Amazon:

And for Thinkgeek:

My wishlist

Dancin' queen

2006-12-29T21:58:00.000-05:00

CP has decided that the esteemed Mr. Fab and I need to have a "dance off" to see who gets to be her bitch.

Go check it out, and then go to her blog to vote.

HINT: I'm much sexier and a better dancer by far.

Update: If you don't already know, Fab challenged me to post an actual video of myself dancing. I accepted. We are posting these videos on CP's blog on Tuesday, so go there and check it out!

One million

2006-12-29T09:48:00.000-05:00

I've read a few blogs about what the author would or wouldn't do for a million dollars. It got me thinking.

I'm a moral black hole. I don't have any personal restrictions against taking lives or ruining lives or destroying lives, especially if I'm getting compensated. A hundred dollars, a million dollars, whatever.

If I were going to have to eat something disgusting, like a steak cooked well done, or vegetables, it would definitely have to be closer to a million.

Other than those two issues, I can't really think of anything that would be so horrible that I wouldn't want to withstand it for some cold, hard cash.

So it's assumed that I'll have the million bucks. The more pressing question is what would I do with it?

Start with 1,000,000.
Pay taxes. I'm left with $600,000.
Pay off the house. I'm left with $300,000.
Pay off our student loans. I'm left with $0.

Wow. That was fast. Fuck that. I want 10 million!

Aftermath

2006-12-27T08:15:00.000-05:00

For this special day . . .

2006-12-25T09:59:00.000-05:00

As a present to all of you, here is a video compiling some of the most popular celebrity blowjobs, including Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson Lee, Gena Lee Nolin, Chyna, and others. Enjoy as you celebrate this wonderful day with your family:

Until Tuesday . . .

2006-12-22T14:59:00.000-05:00

Until Tuesday, Merry Christmas from Jigsaw!

Soundtrack of my life

2006-12-21T12:35:00.000-05:00

After seeing Lucy, Steph and HCG do it, I had to follow suit like the good little follower I am.

1. Open your music library (iPod, iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool…

Waking Up: Instigator, by Kaci Brown (Instigator)
First Day at School: Dance of the Seven Veils, by Liz Phair (Exile in Guyville)
Falling In Love: Jumpers, by Sleater-Kinney (The Woods)
Fight Song: DQ Blizzard, by MC Chris (Life's a Bitch and I'm her Pimp)
Breaking Up: When I See You Smile, by Bad English
Prom: Naked in the Rain, by Red Hot Chili Peppers (Blood Sugar Sex Magik)
Life: Fire, by Ladytron (Light & Magic)
Mental Breakdown: Saving Grace, by Tom Petty (Highway Companion)
Driving: The Sweet Escape, by Gwen Stefani (The Sweet Escape)
Flashback: NYC, by Interpol (Turn on the Bright Lights)
Wedding: Shake a Leg, AC/DC (Back in Black)
Birth of Child: Feathers, by Kidneythieves (Trickstereprocess)
Final Battle: Hold on to the Night, by Richard Marx
Death Scene: Too Much to Ask, by Avril Lavigne (Let Go)
Funeral Song: Wind It Up, by Gwen Stefani (The Sweet Escape)
End Credit: Red Hooded Sweatshirt, by Adam Sandler (What's Your Name)

The Story

2006-12-21T08:54:00.000-05:00

From RW. He's started a story to be continued by other bloggers. He started it as a part of his Roundtable, but you don't have to be a Roundtable member to continue it. I'm not, and I will. Here are his instructions:

Check where the story has been left off by the last contributor. Tie into what has been opened. Advance the story anywhere you want to go. You do not have to be a member of the Roundtable to participate.

You MUST pick up from wherever the last entry left off. You may NOT ignore the last entry, but must run with whatever it is.

If two posters "publish" at the same time, we then have two stories. Follow what part you want, or tie them back together. Makes no difference.

His story is here, and I'll continue it now. If you want to continue it, go over to his blog and continue it in the comments!:

. . . until Rosetta pointed out that it didn't look like a killing plate. No matter how much he squinted or cleared his eyes, he couldn't tell what it was. A doormat? A shoe? Just a passing shadow? It didn't matter. Rosetta told him that they were bad people, and she was always right. He adjusted her dress and decided to go visit.

****

"She's so beautiful," Peter thought as he sat with his arm around Mary on the couch. "How the hell did I get so lucky? Only 23, and I'm happily married to the love of my life. We have our very first apartment, brand new furniture, and Mary's got my baby boy inside her. We are so truly blessed." His dreamy reverie was interrupted by a knock at the door to their newly christened apartment.

Mary hopped up and went to the door. Looking through the peephole, she giggled and said "It's the guy from across the hall, and he's got some ridiculous puppet on his hand." Ignoring the tickle of concern tracing its cold finger down her spine, she opened the door with a resounding "Howdy neighbor!".

And then the screams started . . .

Annoying

2006-12-19T16:31:00.000-05:00

Miss Misery tagged me, but I don't really need a tag to list 7 things that irritate the hell out of me. In fact, I'm always happy to do that!

1. Sponsored posts on blogs. I don't care how you try to justify it to yourself. If you write your blog for anyone other than yourself, you need to step back and take a look at why you blog. Even if you mark them clearly as sponsored posts, they're still a complete betrayal to the whole point of blogging.

2. Renting space on blogs. I just don't understand it. What is the point? To get mindless click-through traffic that NEVER results in increased readership? Here's a clue: If you want to get more readers, take the time to read blogs that interest you and comment on them. That's all it takes.

3. My fucking right eye. I don't know if it's allergies or an occluded tear duct or what, but a few days a week, my right eye will just water all day long. And not just tear up, but get that sleepy shit in my eye, too. I fucking hate you, eye! Maybe I should just tear it out and get an eyepatch.

4. Britney Spears's vagina. You know what, if you had told me three years ago that Britney would have been flashing her poonani all over the place and I wouldn't care, I would have punched you in the face and called you a liar. But here we are, and I'm actually annoyed at her vajayjay. She's been rode hard and put away wet, and her bajingo looks like it. Sigh.

5. People who insist on saying "Merry Christmas" because they think they're making a point. You know what? You're not. It's not clever or pointed. It's tired and stupid. It's a holiday season, and is there really any big deal to saying "Happy Holidays" or "Season's Greetings?" I have friends who celebrate Chanukah and friends who don't celebrate anything - why do I have to force Christmas on them?

6. Fanboys. These sniveling little retards who can go online and just argue for hours about details that don't matter in their favorite media, whether it's TV, movies, comics, or something else. You make the rest of us geeks look bad - fuck off and die, k?

7. People who think California is crazy-land. It's no crazier than any other part of the country. If you're on the far right, politically speaking, and you don't have a brain on your shoulders, you might find California to be frightening because people actually challenge your ideas. But if you're someone who thinks about each belief you have and have some modicum of intelligence, California is just another fucking state.

Happy Holidays

2006-12-18T10:42:00.000-05:00

My elf-tastic holiday greeting to all of you.

Quick post

2006-12-16T15:02:00.000-05:00

Nothing to say today - Instead, head over to Tracy's blog and see my guest post for her "12 Posts of Christmas". Leave some fucking comments, willya?

Six word stories

2006-12-15T11:21:00.000-05:00

On a local discussion board, I've been having some fun with six word stories. I decided to share this fun with others.

What are six word stories? Well, way back in the day, Ernest Hemingway wrote a six-word story that he called his best work ever: "For sale: baby shoes, never worn."

Recently, Wired magazine asked for some contributions from famous people. Here are my favorites:

Failed SAT. Lost scholarship. Invented rocket.
- William Shatner

Gown removed carelessly. Head, less so.
- Joss Whedon

Machine. Unexpectedly, I’d invented a time
- Alan Moore

With bloody hands, I say good-bye.
- Frank Miller

We kissed. She melted. Mop please!
- James Patrick Kelly

It’s behind you! Hurry before it
- Rockne S. O’Bannon

I came up with tons of my own, which I've listed here. I'd like to see your contributions, too. Remember, though, this isn't just a six-word phrase. It actually has to try to tell a story. That's the difference between "I like to eat dark chocolate" (BAD and STUPID) and "Chocolate has decided to eat back." (GOOD)

Here are mine:

My nudity proved fatal to everyone.

"Oh crap! I pushed the wrong

Cows falling proved disastrous to umbrellas.

Clearly, they are not friendly aliens.

"Don't worry," she said. "Lightning never

Wonder if I can jump that?

"Dontksssshhhhhhh drop the detonator!"
"Drop it?"

Ostensibly, authority compelled the button's depression.

All I need is some plutonium . . .

Apparently, advanced technology doesn't mean peace.

Searing pain. Not an ulcer. Bullet.

I wonder. Do lions like wedgies?

So, acolytes of the Church of Holy Avitableness, let's hear your six-word stories!

I've got nothing to say

2006-12-14T10:41:00.000-05:00

Trying to force the funny into a blog post is akin to almost giving yourself a stroke while sitting on the toilet. It's not coming. It's there, right around the corner, but you can't just make it show up and do its thing.

I wonder if I make the same strained face sitting at my computer that I do during those times when I haven't had quite enough fiber. Probably.

So, in the interest of science and humor, here is a series of the faces I make while trying to either gestate brilliant comedy or drop the kids off at the pool. I don't normally look this jaundiced, but I turned on my overhead light which bathed me in sickly yellow.

I'm feeling confident that there's something there.

Maybe if I dig a little deeper for the gold.

Oops. I think I just pulled a muscle.

Shouldn't have eaten that barbed wire.

I think I've got a good train of thought going.

And finally, the moment of triumph. Ta da!

And, of course, whether we're talking about comedy or the bathroom, normally what I end up with is a steaming pile of shit either way.

Education, people

2006-12-12T15:14:00.000-05:00

Thanks to my favorite JAP, CP, for pointing this out:

33 Names of Things You Never Knew had Names

1. AGLET - The plain or ornamental covering on the end of a shoelace.
2. ARMSAYE - The armhole in clothing.
3. CHANKING - Spat-out food, such as rinds or pits.
4. COLUMELLA NASI - The bottom part of the nose between the nostrils.
5. DRAGÉES - Small beadlike pieces of candy, usually silver-coloured, used for decorating cookies, cakes and sundaes.
6. FEAT - A dangling curl of hair.
7. FERRULE - The metal band on a pencil that holds the eraser in place.
8. HARP - The small metal hoop that supports a lampshade.
9. HEMIDEMISEMIQUAVER - A 64th note. (A 32nd is a demisemiquaver, and a 16th note is a semiquaver.)
10. JARNS,
11. NITTLES,
12. GRAWLIX,
13. and QUIMP - Various squiggles used to denote cussing in comic books.
14. KEEPER - The loop on a belt that keeps the end in place after it has passed through the buckle.
15. KICK or PUNT - The indentation at the bottom of some wine bottles. It gives added strength to the bottle but lessens its holding capacity.
16. LIRIPIPE - The long tail on a graduate's academic hood.
17. MINIMUS - The little finger or toe.
18. NEF - An ornamental stand in the shape of a ship.
19. OBDORMITION - The numbness caused by pressure on a nerve; when a limb is `asleep'.
20. OCTOTHORPE - The symbol `#' on a telephone handset. Bell Labs' engineer Don Macpherson created the word in the 1960s by combining octo-, as in eight, with the name of one of his favourite athletes, 1912 Olympic decathlon champion Jim Thorpe.
21. OPHRYON - The space between the eyebrows on a line with the top of the eye sockets.
22. PEEN - The end of a hammer head opposite the striking face.
23. PHOSPHENES - The lights you see when you close your eyes hard. Technically the luminous impressions are due to the excitation of the retina caused by pressure on the eyeball.
24. PURLICUE - The space between the thumb and extended forefinger.
25. RASCETA - Creases on the inside of the wrist.
26. ROWEL - The revolving star on the back of a cowboy's spurs.
27. SADDLE - The rounded part on the top of a matchbook.
28. SCROOP - The rustle of silk.
29. SNORKEL BOX - A mailbox with a protruding receiver to allow people to deposit mail without leaving their cars.
30. SPRAINTS - Otter dung.
31. TANG - The projecting prong on a tool or instrument.
32. WAMBLE - Stomach rumbling.
33. ZARF - A holder for a handleless coffee cup.

I only knew three of these before reading this list. I challenge each of you to try to use at least five of these words in conversation over the holidays.

Oh, the things I have done

2006-12-11T08:31:00.000-05:00

Stole this from NYCWD:

I've bolded the things that I've done and, of course, added comments:

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain - this is true as long as a mountain means the slope that my driveway takes from the mailbox up to the garage. And I hiked up Chimney Rock in North Carolina once, but it sucked so I've blocked it from my memory.

04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula - She was a gang member in LA, a spicy hot Latina, and as she died, I held her in my arms. "What is your name, mi amor?" I asked. "Tarantula," she sighed with her dying breath.

07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone - Do Bert and Ernie count as somoeone?

08. Said “I love you” and meant it - That chocolate cake knew that I meant every word.

09. Hugged a tree - Thank God it didn't ask if I've fucked the knothole of a tree.

10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea - On my first (and last) cruise. I also watched an old couple make out at sea.

13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise - Did you know morning wood doesn't happen if you don't go to sleep?

14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars - I enjoy camping when it's cold enough. Too warm and you just want to sleep naked, and then the US Forest Service gets involved with tasers. Let me tell you, it's not pretty.

20. Changed a baby’s diaper - As the oldest sibling and cousin, I've changed many diapers of my younger relatives. Now some of them think their shit doesn't stink. Well I can attest that it did at one point!

21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon - this almost happened, even though I hate heights. We were in Napa on our anniversary, and we had reservations. I was not looking forward to it, but I promised my wife I'd do it with her - she'd been in one before and had a blast. We got there and they canceled due to inclement weather. I dodged a fuckin' bullet!

22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope - Night sky, hot female neighbor's window, what's the diff?

26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment

27. Had a food fight - I ended up on the floor with a hot dog stuck up my ass, so I think I lost.

28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse of the heart?

34. Ridden a roller coaster - While I hate roller coasters, I can't imagine that someone hasn't at least tried it once.

35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment - I always feel happy about my life. I'm the most optimistic cynical bastard you'll ever meet.

39. Had two hard drives for your computer - I have four now. I R a Geek!

40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk - I've done this numerous times. The worst one was my freshman year of college - the first week I was there. My roommate gets plastered and falls into some type of muck, so a junior who was with him brings him home. He can barely stand and his clothes are disgusting, so we actually have to change him, put on dry clothes, and put him to bed.

42. Had amazing friends - I still do. I also have Superfriends, but that's only on Cartoon Network.

43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign - and a Lamb's Barricade and a mailbox and about a million other things. I was a little shit.

46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip - I love road trips, but not spur-of-the-moment. I need to plan and buy supplies and have maps and have hotel reservations set up.

48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach - Once you've seen Jaws, though, a midnight swim at the beach is very frightening and will make your balls crawl into your stomach to hide. Just an FYI.

50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs - and my books, andy my DVDs, and anything else that can be alphabetized. But then they get out of order, and it frustrates me, but I don't have time to fix them.

57. Pretended to be a superhero - I had these Superman pajamas with a cape, and I would run through the house and fly into the walls. But then the crotch ripped out of them and we had to throw them away. That was last Tuesday, and I was so sad, but my wife said I can buy a new pair this week.

58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football - I'm just now realizing how every sport out there has serious homoerotic undertones.

61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain - It sucks. Water goes in your nose and shit.

63. Played in the mud - I played in things when I was a kid that would make me vomit now. I remember having a mud fight in this partially dried up lake that was all mud. We were covered in it, and it was in every orifice. Turns out it was half-sewage. I'm vomiting a little in my mouth right now just thinking about it.

64. Played in the rain - Disney in the pouring rain is awesome. Everybody goes home, and you almost have the run of the place. Just buy a poncho and you're all set.

65. Gone to a drive-in theater - I wonder how old someone has to be now to ask what a drive-in theater is.

66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business - I've started many. This current one is the most successful and will hopefully allow me to retire by 35.

68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken - At least, until my wife realizes what she's done by marrying me.

69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class - As a child, I took karate, tae kwon do, and naked judo. The last one wasn't so fun.

71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight - even though I've never actually played D&D, I've played video games and board games for more than 6 hours straight, so I had to confess my nerdliness. One time in law school, the weekend before our first big paper was due, my friend Eric and I reserved a room in the law school library (a room that had windows on all sides so everyone could see) and we played the board game Star Wars Monopoly all night long. Everyone else working on their paper just couldn't believe that we were doing it.

72. Gotten married - Once to a human (still married), once to a goat (annulled), and once to a piece of pie that was unbelievably delicious (contentious divorce)

73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days - ha! I haven't gone without food for five minutes!

77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River

82. Been on television news programs as an “expert” - I've been quoted in the New York Times and appeared on the news as an expert in finding employment.

83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage - My days of a showgirl were only overshadowed by my comedy routines during the high school pageant.

85. Been to Las Vegas - I can only spend about two days there before I get sick of it.

86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark - It's kind of bland. Much like placenta.

88. Kissed on the first date - That's when I noticed her Adam's apple.

89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house - I love my house. You should too.

91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship - Worst. Experience. Ever. Do I really need a schedule of events? Or assigned seating at dinner? Or formal attire required for a dinner that is not worth it? I can walk into a much better restaurant in Los Angeles in my usual outfit of shorts and sneakers with red shoelaces and eat a meal that's infinitely better than a cruise ship meal, but they require formal wear? Fuck them!

94. Spoken more than one language fluently - Used to be that I could speak conversationally in Japanese, Spanish and English. Now that I don't use the foreign languages anymore, I no talk so good.

95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country

100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over - My wife and I, when we were engaged, moved to Los Angeles after Saint Louis because she wanted to live there. I didn't care because as long as I have Internet and cable, I'm happy. And cheeseburgers.

101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking - The only problem was that the song was the DiVinyl's "I touch myself" and the someone who was looking was a schoolbus full of young Catholic middle school girls. Did you know that counts as a predatory sexual act?

103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray - Not only did I touch it, but I've started a revenge campaign for the murder of Steve Irwin. I've killed 14,000 stingray now.

110. Broken someone’s heart - High school is tough, and I was a bastard.

111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol - I haven't in a while, but at one point as a teen, I was a decent shot thanks to summer camp.

117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi - who hasn't? Are you retarded? At least try it.

128. Had your picture in the newspaper - I've done it several times. Once for a spelling bee, and fourteen times as a fugitive from justice.

129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about - I convinced my wife to marry me, didn't I?

130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach - The hissing ones are the coolest.

133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey

135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions - Someday I'd like to go, but I just have to get rid of my utter and complete apathy.

138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language - Asking a Tijuana hooker how much for a blowjob and anal sex without speaking Spanish takes skill!

139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream - Always.

142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts - It's the only way to do it.

144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ - I was a college DJ and had a blast. I still have tons of cassette tapes from then that I'd like to transfer over to mp3 - anyone have any ideas about the best way to do that?

148. Shaved your head - I do that regularly. And my balls.

149. Caused a car accident - I made an orange truck tip over on the interstate the day before my wedding, and I remember thousands of oranges being run over by the rest of the cars. Nobody was hurt. Except those poor oranges.

150. Saved someone’s life - I told my friends not to see Gigli. They listened. Thank God.

Only two weeks away

2006-12-11T07:40:00.000-05:00

Until I have to prepare a dinner for 20 or more people and I still haven't even figured out the menu.

Plus, I have to work my usual hours and finish my shopping, so it will be nice and stressful these two weeks. My wifes flies out to Milwaukee tomorrow on business for one day, then comes back and flies out the same afternoon to Paris for a week with her girlfriends for fun. So I get to do everything, too, because she doesn't get back until the 21st.

I'll be glad when it's January! Of course, my 30th birthday happens then, so maybe I just want to freeze time right now, forever.

The Virgin Mary is a hairy vagina

2006-12-08T12:20:00.000-05:00

Don't believe me?

There is a theory that all of the renderings of Mary Magdalene are actually symbols for female genitalia. The Virgin Mother a vaginal representation? So, to "prove" this theory, what did someone do? They found photos of vaginas that look like paintings of Mary.

And, of course, in my quest to educate each and every one of you about things that you never wanted to know, here are the pictures for your viewing displeasure. Click on each picture of my face for the naughty bits. If I have to tell you that this is NSFW, you're a retard.

Oh, and sorry about that last one. I wanted to make sure I grossed out everyone, even the hardened veterans.

Best spam ever

2006-12-07T09:05:00.000-05:00

I don't usually pay attention to spam I get, since I get so much, but this one was awesome. The content doesn't matter, but the subject of the email is what made me notice. Ready?

"Satan Has No Chin. When we learned irrefutably that Satan has no chin, we began to see him everywhere."

What? First of all, this is grammatically correct and everything is spelled right. That's weird all by itself. Secondly, who comes up with this shit? Do spammers just pluck random pieces of text out of Google searches or something and then use that for their emails?

I decided to do some investigating, so I Googled "Satan has no chin".

I found the Iron Party of Australia. They have this to say about themselves:

The Irony Party of Australia, though not in the strictest sense an official political organisation, nevertheless represents the fledgling efforts and collusion of some of Australia's most rarefied minds in pursuit of the highest and most onerous offices of Government.

They have an electronic pamphlet which I guess is designed to highlight their beliefs and ideals, and that's where I found out about chinless Satan. There was an image and some content (the title of the page with the content is "Satab Grs Nh Chdjz"). Here they are:

When we learned irrefutably that Satan has no chin, we began to see him everywhere. Now no-one was safe. Some appeared to be more susceptible to his influence, and quickly succumbed. In the press of the crowd, under the blazing midday sun or in the long shadows of evening, or in the dead of night we were on guard but defenceless, wary without recourse, unnerved by the fear ever-present in one another's eyes, the portentious appearance of a reconstructed Babel, and the incessant howling of dogs.

This site is the only place on the web where "Satan has no chin" appears as a phrase. I still can't figure out if it's just a bad sense of humor or someone with an interesting political viewpoint. I'm more confused than I was when I started, which is probably a good stopping point. I'll just go back to ignoring my spam from now on.

Oh the joy

2006-12-05T15:30:00.000-05:00

RINNNNGGGGG*

Them: Hi, thanks for calling American Depress Executive Business Card Customer Service. Can I help you?

Moi: Hi. I was just trying to use my card to buy some gift cards on the American Depress website, and it kept giving me a weird error. It wasn't a decline - just a strange error, so I thought I'd call and check on it.

Them: Okay, sir, can I have your card number?

Moi: ****

Them: And your secret password?

Moi: Do I need to give that?

Them: Yes, sir. It's how we determine it's really you.

Moi: Ok. Sigh. My secret password is: Fucknuts.

Them: (stifles giggle) Thank you, sir. Okay, sir, well, we're showing that you've reached your limit with your American Depress.

Moi: I thought I didn't have a limit?

Them: Well, there is no pre-set limit, but American Depress will set a flexible limit based on your usage and balances.

Moi: What is my current balance?

Them: $38,316.92

Moi: That's my limit? Kind of arbitrary, isn't it? The purchase I was trying to make was only $1300. Can't we just call my limit $40,000, and I'll be on my merry way?

Them: Unfortunately, sir, until you can make a payment on the card, we cannot allow any further charges.

Moi: So, if I make a $1300 payment, I can charge this $1300 that I need to charge?

Them: At this point, sir, in order to make further purchases, you would need to make a payment of at least $2,000.

Moi: But if my limit is $38,316.92, and I make a payment of $1300, doesn't that change my balance to $37,016.92, giving me available credit of $1300?

Them: No, sir.

Moi: No, sir? No, sir, what? Is there any logic behind that?

Them: All I can tell you, sir, is that you need to make a payment of at least $2,000 in order for future charges to be approved.

Moi: What if the new charge is only $10? Do I need to make a payment of $2,000?

Them: All I can tell you, sir, is that you need to make a payment of at least $2,000 in order for future charges to be approved.

Moi: McDonald's has 99-cent double cheeseburgers. Can I buy one of those if I make a payment of $1?

Them: All I can tell you, sir, is that you need to make a payment of at least $2,000 in order for future charges to be approved.

Moi: You've just repeated the same thing three times. Is this a robot?

Them: No sir, this is a live person.

Moi: Oh yeah? What's 1,478 * 456?

Them: 673968.

Moi: Aha! I fucking knew it! You're a robot.

Them: .....Exterminate!....Sir, please stand by. A manager will be arriving at your door shortly.

Moi: Oh, fuck.

*most of this is a true story.

This year's Christmas card

2006-12-04T13:02:00.000-05:00

For those of you who didn't receive it, here is this year's Christmas card.

And the inside read:

Side effects of Kidgro Fertility drugs may include poverty, depression, lack of sleep, never going out to dinner again, constant ringing and noise in your ears, no adult friends, and the end of your life as you know it.

From the archives

2006-12-01T16:35:00.000-05:00

Keeping with my theme of correcting the stupid and ill-informed, I've decided to pull a post from my archives about grammar and buffalo:

Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo.

Sounds like gibberish, but it's actually a fully complete and gramatically correct sentence.

Think about buffalo as three separate words:

1. buffalo - singular version of the animal as we know it.
2. to buffalo - to deceive, to intimidate, to hoodwink.
3. buffalo - alternative plural of the singular noun buffalo. Buffaloes is also acceptable.

So take the sentence: "Buffaloes that buffaloes intimidate will in turn intimdate buffaloes."

It then becomes "Buffaloes that buffaloes buffalo will in turn buffalo buffaloes."

Then: "Buffalo that buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo."

And finally, getting rid of "that" as unnecessary: "Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo."

Don't you wish you could all be as fucking clever as me?

Why is everyone a collective retard?

2006-11-30T12:44:00.000-05:00

A simple function: shipping a package from one place to another. Right?

I sent a salesperson up to Chicago and shipped up two huge boxes of promotional shit. DHL manages to destroy one box, but they re-tape it and deliver it, only they forgot to include the fucking banner! The full banner that was supposed to go on our table that had our company name, logo, and contact information. The one that could be seen across the room to attract potential clients. The one that cost me $120.

Yeah, DHL fucking lost it. And nobody knows where it is. And DHL acts like it's no big deal. They destroyed a box and then were too fucking retarded to put all of the contents back in? What the fuck? How is the person who did that capable of walking and breathing without assistance, much less packing a box or driving, since they've obviously got the mental capacity of a crack baby?

If I ever meet this person, I'll beat him from ass to beard.

You knew I was weird . . .

2006-11-28T10:34:00.000-05:00

I saw that Kal did this, so I decided to do it as well. Here are six new weird things about me:

1. When I travel, I bring matches and sometimes a candle with me in case I have to use someone else's bathroom. I really want it to smell as nice and minty fresh as when I entered it. Of course, I would rarely stay with someone else - I'd rather get a hotel room so I have my own space.

2. When I have work to do, and I'm in a strange mood, I can set a song on repeat and have it play 70 or 80 times while I work. I don't get sick of it - in fact, I like it just as much at the end as I do in the beginning.

3. If I buy a new videogame, I have to play it until I finish. This is not some random desire - it's an actual obsession that overtakes me. Once I've beaten it all the way through, I'll relax and I can go back later and take my time enjoying it. It affects my work and my sleep.

4. If I notice that someone has bad breath, I dislike them.

5. I can't understand song lyrics at all. If I don't have the lyrics written in front of me, I have no idea what people are singing. Here's an example I've mentioned earlier. The theme song from Caddyshack is Kenny Loggin's "I'm All Right". Until two years ago, I had no idea what he was singing, and I actually thought he was saying "Admiral."

6. I keep my hair relatively short, but my shampoo costs $25. I do use shampoo to lather every hairy part of my body, which means pretty much everything from ass to beard.

I won't tag anyone. I'm not that cruel.

Post-Thanksgiving linguistics lesson

2006-11-26T09:14:00.000-05:00

If you say any of these, stop:

* deep-seeded instead of deep-seated
* deformation of character instead of defamation of character
* for all intensive purposes instead of for all intents and purposes
* free reign instead of free rein
* hunger pains instead of hunger pangs
* next store instead of next door
* pier-to-pier networking instead of peer-to-peer networking
* preying mantis instead of praying mantis
* sorted past instead of sordid past
* tenderhooks instead of tenterhooks
* tow the line instead of toe the line
* without further adieu instead of without further ado
* it's a doggie-dog world instead of it's a dog-eat-dog world
* visa versa instead of vice versa
* reaping havoc or reeking havoc instead of wreaking havoc
* mute point instead of moot point
* court marshal instead of court martial
* honing in instead of homing in
* mix words instead of mince words
* a big tado instead of a big to-do
* beyond approach instead of beyond reproach

These are called "egg corns" (think "acorn"), and some of them are used verbally, and many of them are used in writing. It only makes you look ignorant. Go here for more information on Eggcorns.

This has been a public service announcement from your friendly neighborhood Avitable.

Thankful

2006-11-23T09:01:00.000-05:00

I don't take a particular day to be thankful for what I have. I am fully cognizant of all of the great things that are going on in my life year round. However, apparently because today represents a day when some white=skinned bastards decided to destroy some brown-skinned bastards by giving them diseases they had never been exposed to, sleeping with their women, killing the strongest men, and introducing the concept of ownership to a land where that term was alien, we decide to be thankful and eat until we fall asleep. Thankful for what? That we're not Native Americans?

Indians (yes, I'm going with the politically incorrect term here, fuck you very much) still get short shrift. They're discriminated against in the media, where they're either amazing trackers who commune with animals or they're drunks or corrupt casino owners. They get shafted by the government, insulted by people and treated like second-class citizens in areas around reservations, and basically have very little chance of success in life if they try to remain integrated with their culture. They don't have an Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson to stand up for them and defend their rights if people trample on them. Who's the most well-known Indian you know? Graham fucking Greene?

So I guess I'm thankful that I'm a descendant of the oppressors (my ancestors were on the Mayflower), not the oppressees. Because that must just really fucking suck. Sorry guys.

Holiday cards

2006-11-21T10:08:00.000-05:00

I'm preparing my Christmas card list for this year, and if any of you want to be privileged enough to receive one, please leave a comment and I'll email you for your address. I like to make funny cards for the holidays - they typically give my mother grayer hair and make her dread the mail throughout December. Here's the faux newsletter I made last year (click to view the PDF):

And here's the card from the year before:

So don't miss out on this year's holiday greeting from Avitable. It will be the best gift you'll ever receive for the rest of your life. Guaranteed or your money back.