The shitty SPAM I get . . .

This is one of the stupidest emails I've ever received, especially since it's supposedly written by a lawyer who somehow managed to make it through a good school. He must have bribed someone.

Elements of its mediocrity:

Two of the paragraphs in a row start off with "I am sure".

They wish me good luck with my finals and an enjoyable graduation, even though I've been out of law school since 1998.

They have a PS that tells me how important it is to contact them.

Peter Wilkniss was supposedly assigned to me specifically, but on the website, he's listed as the only contact.

They have a confidentiallity notice that applies to a law firm, saying that this communication is attorney work product.

These guys are obviously driveling morons who can barely work a computer, much less handle my student loans. I'd guess that it's all some type of scam.

Oh yeah, and I used to work for them. Like I would ever trust that shithead with any of my personal financial details. He's one of the most morally corrupt pricks I've ever known in my life - he used to use Westlaw to investigate people he knew, just for fun, and would look for criminal records, etc. - and he's supposedly going to help with student loan consolidation?

How about if you just go fuck yourself with a razor edge dildo? Sound good?

Dear Adam,

Good afternoon. My name is Peter Wilkniss and I have been trying to get in touch with you. I am the representative assigned to you at Law School Loans and have been assisting other students at schools just like who are all eager to get their student loans consolidated before the dreaded July "cut off date" and line up financing for Bar expenses. I am sure you know the urgency of what I am talking about but will explain in more detail shortly.

I have some information for you that is pretty important and can save you a great deal of money and also provide you with money for the Bar Exam and living expenses while studying for the Bar. By the way, congratulations on being so close to graduation from ! I am also an attorney and can tell you that many years from now you will look upon this time as among the best years of your life. Enjoy it while you can!

Law School Loans is the group that specializes in helping law students consolidate their student loans and borrow money for the Bar Exam and living expenses while studying for the Bar. Consolidating your loans right now is a regular rite of passage for most third year law students each year and is especially important to do this year because interest rates are going up in July and you need to get your paperwork done now.

I am sure you have heard by now that federal student loan consolidation is a fantastic, no-strings-attached government program that can save you thousands of dollars. Consolidation of your student loans is a practical solution that allows you to combine all of your student loan debt into one loan, making it that much easier to handle your debt when the time comes to pay it off.

I am sure that you are also aware that the government is almost certain to increase the interest rates on your loans dramatically as of July 1, and that it is important that you complete your consolidation application before June 30th to lock in today's rates.

Now is the perfect time to take care of consolidation, so you can put the financial worry behind you and focus on finals, graduation and the Bar. Additionally, consolidating now will not affect your repayment commencement date, which means you won't need to begin repaying your federal consolidation loan until December.

Contact us today to understand your consolidation options and to complete your application. We can be reached at (800) 659-8344, or you can reach me personally at We have also made it very easy for you to consolidate your loans online. CLICK HERE and I am confident you can easily follow the online process. If you need any help with the online application drop me a line and I'll walk you through it myself.

If you are in a position where you need extra funds to deal with expenses as you finish out the school year and sit for the Bar, I can also help. Call us at (800) 659-8344 for details.

I want to be the first to wish you good luck with your finals and an enjoyable graduation.



p.s. It is pretty important that you act immediately to ensure your application is processed in a timely manner. Contact us today.

Managing Director
Peter Wilkniss

Call: (800) 659-8344

2 Thoughts:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Razor-edged dildo it is, then! Can I watch?

4/12/2005 10:25 PM  
Blogger Avitable said...

But of course! It will be fun.

4/13/2005 3:55 PM  



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