Britney's 'Chaotic' stinker

She used to be so hot. So sad.

New York Daily News - Home - Britney's 'Chaotic' stinker

Can you handle Britney's truth?

That's what Spears wants to know, in the opening sequence of "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic," the home-video reality series — shot by the pop princess and her now-husband, backup dancer Kevin Federline — that made its debut last night on UPN.

The answer? We'd rather not.

Britney and Kevin's truth is a little nauseating, you see, what with America's Sweethearts whipping the camera about and zooming it up their own noses.

Perhaps the first half of Episode One was meant to show how boring Brit's life was before K-Fed arrived. Things had to heat up, right?

Wrong. In the time it took me to scarf a bag of Cheetos, in homage to the couples' favorite snack food, I had already given this clunker an orange-stained thumbs down.

The show opened with footage Britney shot while still single, having recently recovered from an annulled marriage in Vegas. Brit's camera work dragged on for what seemed like ages, documenting such banalities as the ceiling of her bus and conversations with her idiotic entourage about their favorite sex positions. (At least when Madonna made "Truth or Dare," it was kind of sexy.)

The thing is, we can handle Britney's truth. We just don't want to. In the middle of her short-lived Onyx Hotel tour (and 30 minutes into the show), Britney met backup dancer Kevin. If this project — which would have benefited from the MTV treatment — was meant to paint the happy couple in an endearing light, it, like, totally didn't work, y'all. Britney and her surly future husband appeared to be dumber than we ever imagined.

After knowing each other for only five or six days, they traveled together from Los Angeles to London. In a hotel there, she dropped such ladylike bombs as "Let's don't go, let's just [expletive] all day" to Kevin; "I'm quick. I'm wham, bam, thank-you ma'am" to her assistant, and "I've had sex three times today" to her makeup artist.

Then came footage of Kevin in the shower. Lucky guy. We were just left feeling dirty.

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