Be informed about Cleveland Steamers, Dirty Sanchezes, and all the dirty scat inbetween!
Content stolen blatantly from Sit and Spin Magazine:
Let us begin with a joke. Have you heard this one?
-First man proclaims to his friend, "I just discovered this great new way to have sex."
-His friend responds by asking, "No shit?"
-First man replies with, "Well, a little."
Shit. Yes, that is what I'm talking about here: poo in sex. One man's shit is another man's sex toy, and it's free. I love to shit - if only I never had to wipe. Similarly, I love sex, but I could do without many of the inevitable post-carnal situations often forced upon us in the aftermath of sex. I foresee mankind edging closer to Utopia: the wipe-less dump and the consequence-free fuck. But until that day comes, I'll continue to keep the two functions separate for obvious reasons, not the least of which being inconvenience.
But when mankind does reach this inevitable nexus of clean poos and free love, we will need to be prepared to courageously cross the fecal frontier. We have a responsibility to be ready for this eventuality, and when the time comes, we'll need to speak the language.
Therefore, I have compiled a few of the most important terms for fucking with shit into a brief glossary. Some of these you have no doubt already heard, others you will hear for the first time. A few of you may have even administered or found yourselves on the receiving end of one or more of these acts. Or perhaps you will find something new here to spice up your sex life, the spice depending on what you had for dinner. Whether you're a defecation dilettante or an excrement expert, I hope to enlighten you as to their nuances and techniques.
For simplicity's sake I have described most scenarios in a male to female relationship, usually with the male as the feces provider and the female as the recipient. The intent is not rigid in the gender specificality of these acts - feel free to change things up in your head or bedroom or wherever it is you do whatever you do to whomever you do it. Strap on your wellingtons, grab a shovel and don't forget the nose plugs.
1) Cleveland Steamer:
A) Simply put, it's when you defecate on your partner after sex, usually on the chest. It generally occurs after engaging in a sex act. It can be done to pleasure one or the other or both. It can take the form of revenge (e.g. after breakup sex). It can even be administered after the recipient has fallen asleep.
B) Leaving shit stains on your partner's torso while tea-bagging or titty fucking (see also Chili Dog). Some simple ass-policing could prevent this mortifying and potentially relationship-ending faux pas, unless you're into that kind of thing. Perhaps these shit stain leavers are the same kids whom we referred to as Captain Skids at summer camp for their consistent display of brown stains showcased on the corresponding ass section of their tighty-whities.
The Cleveland Steamer is not to be confused with its somewhat more humane yet less advanced cousin to the south, the Cincinnati Steamer, which is when you shit on your partner's Saran-Wrapped face. Also not to be confused with the Blumpie (see below).
The Carls - A Tale of Three Temperatures. Just like all-temperature Cheer clothing detergent: It works in hot, warm and cold.
2) Hot-Carl: Here's the deal: Man butt-fucks woman. Just prior to the nut busting he sticks his dick in his partner's mouth. She proceeds to suck him to orgasm, with the hot load getting blown in her head hole. Poo en masse is not necessarily employed here, but fecal traces will occur on the cock during the post heinie-poking phase of this singular act. [Ed.'s note: there is some controversy regarding the definition of the Hot Carl - the editors were sure it's when you poo in someone's mouth.]
3) Warm Carl: When you drop a few shit logs on your gal while she is covered in Saran-Wrap. Kind of like a whole body version of the Cincinnati Steamer, this is a more intermediate shit fetish act for those who may not want to come into too much physical contact with the feces. Not unlike the Hasidic sects of Judaism who are only allowed to screw their wives through the hole in a Kosher sheet [ed.'s note: this is a myth]. The Warm Carl recipient still wants to feel the thudding plop, sense the loving warmth, and taste some of the unique (did you know that no two shits have the exact same smell?) odor of their lover's stool. If you like shitting on chicks, but you have the sense of decency not to muss the little lady all up in the brown, then this Carl's for you. Who says chivalry is dead?
4) Cold Carl: (a) When you take a shit on a pane of glass or a glass table while somebody lies underneath watching (allegedly a favorite of Chuck Berry's). (b) When you cornhole a chick, and make her clean off the dry crusted leftover dung barnacles the next morning by having her suck it off your cock. What's that classic rock lyric? "Some people think it's sick, but it tastes great off my dick." (c) One of the lesser recognized definitions, however worth noting: When you freeze one of your fecal love logs and have the woman you've sexually enslaved for your own debauched cravings (or hers) use it as a dildo. It inevitably thaws.
5) Chili Dog: (a) When you titty fuck a woman after
pooping a massive coat of the runny brown anal love stuff (preferably in the diarrheic form) all over her chest. Does the crap act as a lubricating stimulant? Quite possibly so. Does the crapee enjoy this scatological addition to having her lover's purple helmeted love warrior shafted between her breasts? I can't rightly say. Do I like to ask questions and then answer them myself? Apparently so. In summation: Dick=frankfurter; shit=chili; tits=bun, hence the chili dog. (b) A post Dirty Sanchez (see next definition) titty fuck. c) Titty fucking after butt fucking with the phallus encased in a layer post-sodomy fecal matter. Discoloring of the breasts may occur.
I'm partial to (a) myself, if not so much for the massive quantity of shit involvement alone then nothing else. But don't let me tell you how to chili dog the lady of your choice. Also not to be confused with the novice level Hot Dog Bun, which is the (mostly) feces-free act of thrusting one's penis through and between, but not into, the female lover's ass cheeks thus creating a human Sabrett.
6) Dirty Sanchez: (a) When a man finishes poking his woman [ed.'s note: or man - don't forget the gays] in the brown eye and he takes his penis to her face, drawing a mustache of shit across her upper lip. (b) The intimate post-coital act of a man sticking his finger (preferably index) up his ass. Then with one broad, brush stroke using her face as the canvas, he draws a traditional Mexican mustache over her lip. (c) Doing it doggie-style and sticking your finger deep enough into her anal cavity to strike oil. Money shot in the face. Slide the poopy digit under her nose, thus, creating a mustache effect. (d) A Jersey Turnpike (post butt slam, roll her over, stick it in her mouth and get sucked off [ed.'s note: thought you said that was the hot carl]) gone awry, missing the target and adding a fresh coat of brown to the area just above the lip of the intended receiver.
Ok, you get the general concept despite the contradicting explanations. In summary: man uses his index finger or schlong (the quill) to mine earth tone fecal residue from his ass or his lover's (the inkwell) and painting a brown crapstache on her face. It's no Mona Lisa, but you got off so who cares? Dirty derives from the poop and Sanchez from the false fecal facial hair replica resembling that of a Mexican bandito's mustache. Imagine the milk advertisements and substitute with stool: Got Shit?
7) Rusty Trombone: When your lover is giving you a rimjob or a tossed salad (when somebody eats out your bung hole) and the ass-sucker simultaneously reaches around the waist and gives the ass-suckee's unit some manual love. Envision the resemblance to trombone players in a marching band. You'll never look at them the same.
syn. Rim-job/hand job, RJ-HJ, or the R'n'R. Shit is not employed in bulk, yet it is implied in the licking of the asshole (meaning the body part, not the guy). But inevitably the party performing analingus will encounter the same cosmic beings as faced by Capt. James T. Kirk and the U.S.S. Enterprise: Klingons.
8) Hot Trombone: Combine the Hot Carl with the Rusty Trombone and add the receiver exploding a fierce shit storm into the giver's mouth. For those who have become bored with just the Rusty Trombone and perhaps possess a mean streak.
9) Blumpie: Taking a crap while receiving a blow job. It's not give and take. It's take and receive. I guess in a way it's the best of both worlds. The closest I've ever come to this was getting my knob mealed while reading Greil Marcus.
10) Rocky Mountain Steam Clean: It's when you shit and/or shoot a load of semen on a chick's tits but have the gentlemanly courtesy of cleaning it off with a hot voluminous piss. An advanced move for varsity-level scatalogicians who have the common courtesy to clean up after themselves.
11) Santorum: Not so much a planned act, santorum is more a byproduct which occurs after anal sex: the combination of shitty leftovers and anal lube all up in there that gets released during the pounding of flesh synonymous with good butt-lovin'. It is a term coined by Dan Savage in response to Pennsylvania's republican senator Rick Santorum's ignorant comments comparing homosexuality to bigamy, adultery and incest. I wonder if the senator knows that his northeast Pennsylvania regional headquarters is located next door to The Silhouette Lounge, a Scranton gay bar.
12) Elephant Train: Not so much a sex act per se, it's a tried-and-true favorite hazing ritual among collegiate fraternal orders across this great land of ours. Three to sixty- three young men are lined up ass to face on their knees in single file. Everybody employs both of his thumbs, one thumb being suckled in his own mouth, the other inserted into the anus of the pledge in front of him. Now begin walking on your knees. Time to switch: remove each thumb from their respective orifices, exchanging butt thumb with mouth thumb. Vigorous suckling is now strictly enforced. The pledge brother in front, still regarding himself as the "lead dog," may think he has it pretty good. It is time for him to rethink his position. For now the fraternal ring leaders announce a reversal of the train: all thumbs are removed, the participants take a 180 degree turn, thumbs are reinserted into respective holes and the procession continues in the opposite direction. Repeat as many times as is necessary to achieve acceptance into a frat.
13) Mardi Gras 7-11: Seven to eleven men engaged in intercourse with a human skull brimming with hot, fresh shit during the Fat Tuesday celebrations in New Orleans.
Go forth now my good citizens, naturalized aliens and illegals alike - especially you Germans (we know you love the scheisse, we're just not sure why). Shit on whomever you want. Fuck anything that moves whilst blowing anal scat-egories upon them all. And don't forget to let the semen fly! This is America for Christ's sake. We're #1. Thank God!
I am Avitable. Currently, I live in Orlando, where I collect comic books and masturbate to midget horse porn. I am married, and my wife lets me be the true geek that I am. I fear vegetables and sunlight. I love my friends and family dearly and hate everyone else tremendously.Join the Church!
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i had to post my response on my livejournaL cuz no html images on blogspots - so go here
7) Rusty Trombone: When your lover is giving you a rimjob or a tossed salad (when somebody eats out your bung hole) and the ass-sucker simultaneously reaches around the waist and gives the ass-suckee's unit some manual love. Envision the resemblance to trombone players in a marching band. You'll never look at them the same.
OH NOOOOO!! I kid you not - I have to go see a friend play the trombone in a marching band tomorrow. That image is going to stay with me!
Su, did you read the "Hot Trombone"? Won't that stick in your mind too? If not, here it is:
8) Hot Trombone: Combine the Hot Carl with the Rusty Trombone and add the receiver exploding a fierce shit storm into the giver's mouth. For those who have become bored with just the Rusty Trombone and perhaps possess a mean streak.
Thank God I only read that second one on the Hot Trombone otherwise I think I would have had serious trouble watching my friend... or more accurately, more trouble than I already had.
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