How clever

From Grant, and I echo his sentiment - if you decide to do this, don't put Pres. Shrub for any answer. It's too easy.

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

Terri, Steve Irwin's widow. Because then I'd steal his kids and send them off to live with the alligators, and when they come back in 15 years as alligator people, it will be awesome!

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?

Which switch? The one on my wall that doesn't do anything right now. And I'd really like to be the one to get rid of any of the American Idols who are trying to make it big. Except for Kelly Clarkson - she's okay in my book.

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

Rupert Murdoch. Reasons? 1. The way that he's fucked Idiocracy, Futurama, and Firefly. 2. He's the reason that War at Home exists as a television show.

4. What is your favorite cheese?

All my cheeses are my favorites. I love them all and don't play favorites.

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?

A peanut butter banana raisin mayonnaise sandwich.

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?

Jimmy Kimmel. Because then maybe Sarah Silverman will feel bad for me and leave him and come with me forever.

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?

That middle Hanson sister.

8. Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy crap, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?

I make more than that typing this sentence. I'd probably blow it on something completely superfluous and fun.

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Is it first class? Because I refuse to fly coach anymore. That's more of a punishment than a gift if it's coach or "business class". If it is first class, then I'd like to go to Alaska.

10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?

Give it to a village of Eskimos if they promise to take a fucking bath.

11. A demon rises out of Hell and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is...?

Whatever it is, it had better be spiked with a lifetime supply of GHB so I can give it to everyone around me and do whatever I want to them for eternity.

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?

I would go back to ~1993 and purchase every domain name I could think of.,,,, etc. Then I'd sell them at a nice premium before cybersquatting became illegal.

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

At age 14, all girls will line up to be inspected, and one will be chosen each week . . . nah, I can't go there.

14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise?

Police Squad. With Matthew Broderick in Leslie Nielsen's role, and Enrico Colantoni as his partner.

15. What is your favorite curse word?


16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Command them. What else?

17. Your house is on fire! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what's the item?

My velvet Elvis that hangs on the wall.

18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?

I'd gather about 40 people I can name off the top of my head, and then kill them.

19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be?

The power to transform all matter, space and time. Then I'd just give myself more powers.

20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

The half hour it took me to fill this fucking thing out. Oh joy.

21. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

I have no regrets, so I wouldn't want to erase any horrible experience.

22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool stuff... you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin'! What country are you going to live in now?

Probably Australia.

23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?

I could care less.

24. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question.... If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Check it out... Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like "Dude, check it out... I can FLOAT!"?

I'm going to float to the house of the fucknut who wrote this question and punch them in the cock. Are you a retard? Why would you write such a stupid fucking question? Jesus.

25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?

Phil Hartmann.

26. The Gates of Hell have opened, and Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

Myself, remember - I died in question #18.

27. What's your theme song?

Britney Spears's "I'm not a Girl, not yet a Woman"

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