Avitable-isms: Tact is for the weak: so fuckin' sue me

so fuckin' sue me

I'm tired and non-creative, so I'm stealing this list of obnoxiously sappy questions to post that all of you fuckers have to answer. Since 10 or 15 of you have done this, I'm not linking all of you. Tough. I've edited out one or two of the stupider questions. Post the answers in the comments.

1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.

2. Am I loveable?

3. How long have you known me?

4. When and how did you first find my blog?

5. What was your first impression?

6. Do you still think that way about me now?

7. If I was an ice cream flavor, which would I be and why?

8. What makes me happy?

9. What makes me sad?

10. What song (if any) reminds you of me?

11. If you could give me anything what would it be?

12. Do you consider me a friend?

13. How often do you visit my blog?

14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn’t?

15. Would you make a move on me?

16. Describe me in one word.

17. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?

18. What do you like most about me/my blog?

19. What do you dislike most about me/my blog?

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I am Avitable. Currently, I live in Orlando, where I collect comic books and masturbate to midget horse porn. I am married, and my wife lets me be the true geek that I am. I fear vegetables and sunlight. I love my friends and family dearly and hate everyone else tremendously.

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This blog is the personal property and private opinion of Adam Heath Avitable. This blog is a work of fiction, the names in this blog are fictitious, and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. On a less serious note, if you're reading this, you agree to send me three dollars for every word you have read. Just by reading this far, you owe me $111.00 now. If you are wearing pants or any type of pant-like clothing, you must remove them immediately. This blog is pants-free. If you're sitting in your underwear and socks, you're ok by me. You further agree that you have a sense of humor, you're not easily offended, and you can quote at least 28 lines from "The Simpsons" ("Me fail English? That's unpossible!" doesn't count). If you know me pre-blog, you must comment on at least one article. It's only fair. I'd do it for you. C'mon, just do it. Come on! Come on! Come on! If you're new to this blog, then you'd better fucking comment. Why bother reading it otherwise, jerk? If you have any amateur porn on your computer of you and your loved ones engaging in interesting activities, please send it to me immediately. You will get nothing in return. If while readi1ng this blog, you laugh hysterically, fall off your seat, pee just a little in your pants, and pull down your monitor on your head, I'm not liable. If you get up in disgust and walk away, completely unamused, trip on the mass of wires next to your computer and end up with your mouse lodged in your right eyesocket, I'm not liable. If you're reading this blog and you fall asleep because it sucks horribly, and you land facefirst on your keyboard and have a permanent "Y" stuck in your forehead, I'm not liable, but send me a pic so I can laugh at you. If you suffer emotional distress from my laughing at you, then you can sue. VERY IMPORTANT!! If you have, at any point in your life, participated in or enjoyed any of the following activities (watched wrestling, visited a NASCAR track more than once, watched Jeff Foxworthy, finger fucked your cousin, know one or two country music stations by their call sign, name and slogan, eaten roadkill, purchased furniture or electronics from rent-to-own, slept in your own puke for more than one consecutive evening, or worn a baseball cap backwards), you must close this window, shut off your computer, grab the nearest utensil, and shove it directly into your belly button. Then lift straight up, twisting a little, until you feel a slight *twinge*. If you've read this far, you can Paypal me $1266.00 now.