The prospect of having children is looming on the horizon for me right now. But I have to have some guidelines if I'm going to procreate. Some of these are imaginary and only possible in a perfect world, but some of them must happen if I'm bringing little Avitables into this world:
1. Child care
As far as I'm concerned, daycare is stupid. It exposes your children to diseases and germs plus the chance to be neglected and/or abused by some random minimum wage fucker. No thanks. We will have a nanny, live-in if possible, who will assist with the care and maintenance of any children. The only other option would be if Amy were to stay at home, and that has as much chance of happening as me growing a tail and fuckin' rat ears. However, this wouldn't be a situation where the child would be allowed to imprint on the nanny - we would have plenty of parental influence and quality time. But this one is mandatory.
Spanking works to a certain age. If you haven't made your point and educated the brat by then, it's not going to happen with physical punishment. That's when you go for the emotional and psychological punishment. Grounding, time out, taking away privileges, telling them their mommy doesn't love them - all of those things. Okay, the last one is only necessary in extreme circumstances. I grew up to be a twisted, perverted, evil fucker who is responsible, successful and extremely loyal to my friends and family. My discipline started off with spanking, but also included losing privileges, writing essays on why I did something wrong, apologizing, making restitution, and being embarrassed for the stupid shit I pulled.
I will not have children who are the types of kids you hate at the supermarket, in restaurants, and at the movies. If I do, I'm giving them up for adoption or putting them in a bag tied with bricks and dropping them off a dock into the ocean.
It would be fucking hilarious if Amy and I (two relatively intelligent, non-athletic people) were to have some musclehead jock as a child who's dumb as a box of hammers. Regardless, our kids are going to be pushed aggressively into higher education. I don't think I have the patience or emotional state to homeschool, and my personal opinion is that for every normal, well-adjusted homeschoolee (Beth) there are 5 that are fucked up creepy kids. I think the best plan would be private school up to high school, and then advanced college-level education (International Baccalaureate) for high school, Ivy League or sub-Ivy for college, plus some type of graduate school. I expect every child of mine to have at least a Master's, and preferably a Doctorate.
I think a non-denominational Christian private school would be a good foundation, but I don't plan on forcing anything down their throats. Since 90% of Christians put on facades, are hypocrites and act un-Christian, I'd rather they learn moral, Christian values and leave it at that.
5. Fun and games
I plan on picking two or three words that will be replaced with completely incorrect words, just for my amusement. For example, whenever I am around my spawn, the word "cheeseburger" might be "douchenozzle". Imagine how funny it will be when he grows up and orders a "double douchenozzle" because he's been indoctrinated to call cheeseburgers douchenozzles.
6. Growing up in the Avitable household
I will never tell our child "Because I said so." If I don't have a rational reason to say no, then I shouldn't. If this encourages them to develop the ability to successfully lobby for a decision in their favor, that's a great skill that has gotten me very far in life.
I will not spoil our children. I never had an allowance and I started working from the earliest possible age. At the private school I attended from K-8, I stayed after twice a week and vacuumed the entire school, and I was only 11-12. Our children will work, and they will work hard, and the pleasure and freedom they derive from the income they make will make them into stronger individuals.
Our children will not be intolerant. As parents, it will be imperative for Amy and I to ensure that our kids remain open to different viewpoints, lifestyles, and societies. I hate everyone equally, and if I'm lucky, little Pubert Titknocker Avitable will have the same smug sense of superiority over all of humanity.