TMI, part one

And here's the part where I answer the stupid questions everybody asked. Goddamn, you bastards asked a lot of questions, so this will have to be a three-part post.

RW asks: "Uncle Adolf was said to have a severe flatulence problem. Did you notice anything "off" in the car? I sure did."

You see, RW, that was back in the olden days when those who were doing the smelling and bringing it to the attention of their elders were generally considered to be the perpetrators of such odor. In addition, I had my nasal cavity shot off in the war against the Huns in 1906 and replaced with vinyl siding.

Mist1 asks: "What's the prize?"

Well, it was an all-expenses paid trip to Orlando to sit at my feet and learn from a master of sarcasm and wit, but since you had to get greedy, I'm going to have to scale it down a bit.

Skywalker asks: "Have you ever been drunk and done alot of shit and then the next day pretended not to remember a thing just to listen to people talk about what you have (allegedly) done and to amuse yourself and not be blamed for eventual chaos that you have caused?"

Skywalker, I have Alzheimer's, so I do that all the time even when I'm sober. I know it's evil, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's.

MsFreud asks: "How long have you had that Beard- and have you ever shaved it off? Can we see pics of it?"

By beard, I can only assume you mean vagina. No, I've never shaved my vagina, and no you can't see it. Pervert.

Motherdear asks: "Have you ever thought about starting a service for hire for fellow brother-in-law lookalikes? I mean, you could rent yourselves out to go to really boring family functions (God forbid any kid under the age of 13 ever have one birthday without having to have a party and the whole family having to pay homage!) and the REAL brother-in-law could go to the Pats game. Or visit his mistress. Or something more enjoyable, like laying 50 feet of new sewer pipe to the house. Seriously...don't you think, at a nice $500-a-performance pricetag, you could get rich off this idea??? Okay, that's two questions. Just pick one. No prizes less than a quarter carat, thanks!! :-D "

As I am currently employed as a gorilla lookalike at the zoo, my non-compete clause precludes me from any further resemblance gigs. Currently, I get all the bananas I can eat, which seems like a good deal to me.

TMLSB asks: "Could you compare and contrast your least favorite food and your least favorite living person?"

Mushrooms: Slimy fungus with an unpalatable texture.
My old boss (Asshole Incarnate the Leader of all that is Unholy, Evil and Stupid): Sleazy "fun guy" with an unpalatable set of morals.

Miss Britt asks: "Do you ever pick your nose?"

I picked my nose once, but they were out of stock, so I got stuck with the one I'm currently sporting.

Brian Fobi asks: "Suppose that, before you born, God asked you this question: "Adam, I am giving you a unique opportunity to shape your own life. As of right now, when you reach adulthood you will have an IQ of 85, a 2-inch penis, and a lifespan of 50 years. However, I give you 100 points that you can spend on upgrades. Every IQ point will cost you 1 point, every year of your life that you add will cost you 2 points, and every additional inch on your penis will cost you 10." How will you spend your money?"

Well, first, Brian, from your horrid spelling and grammar, I'm going to assume you're a child of the age of 5. And the answer is that I would put all those points towards my IQ. I'd be able to use my intellect to lengthen my life artificially, and 2 inches is all I'd need to keep myself happy.

Tracy Lynn asks: "What is the absolute worst thing you have ever done in your life?"

Worst thing: Answered this question.
Second worst thing: probably a tie between the theft of thousands of dollars of merchandise from various stores as a teenager, pouring gasoline into a koi pond as a kid, taking advantage of voyeuristic opportunities, and killing a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Paticus asks: "Does this look infected?"

Not only does it look infected, Paticus, it looks angry! I told you that mayonnaise was not a good salve.

Dawn asks: "Two trains leave different cities heading toward each other at different speeds. When...? Oh, that's not what you mean? :D How did you make that animated graphic of yourself in your "about me" at the top of the page? That is really cool... "

I used GIF Movie Gear. And the trains would crash at precisely 1:36 PM MST, with 14 dead and 28 injured.

More answers soon!

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