TMI, part two

Don't miss part one of this exciting (ho-hum) question and answer period!

Stephanie asks: "How did you discover burrito's and chocolate sauce? What made you put that concoction together in the first place? Were ya drunk, and then decided you liked it sober? Enlighten us."

I was at a friend's house in high school, eating a microwaveable beef and cheese burrito. I was also making some chocolate milk, and accidentally squirted the Hershey's syrup all over the plate of heated burrito. Not one to waste food, I dug in and thoroughly enjoyed it. It's delicious, and I'll give $5 to anyone who eats it and sends me proof (photographic or videographic evidence).

Tug asks: "Did you go online and get a cerificate for the Church of Holy Avitableness? I work for a publicly traded company, I'm just thinking it would help. And then you could do weddings & stuff."

I have not made it official, but I should. Good thinking, Tug. Thanks!

Clown asks: "How many magic markers can you fit into your ass at once?"

Lengthwise or widthwise?

Miss Ann Thrope asks: "Just because I want to be a jerk, What's your favourite sexual position and how big is your penis...tell the truth you dork."

Since there was no question mark, I don't think this qualifies as a question. Sorry - thanks for playing!

Oh, ok, I'll answer. My favorite position is known as the Flying Avitable. The woman is facing downward, with her arms and legs tied together in a hog-tied fashion, which makes her butt stick straight up in the air. The man runs in, wearing nothing but a Superman cape, and does a flying leap, landing and performing perfect vaginal penetration in one smooth move. Ejaculation happens almost instantaneously, and the woman is left to fend for herself.

And I can't answer your other question on the grounds that my wife would get mad if all of the women readers I had started showing up at my door asking to see it.

Cat asks: "When was the last time you spoke to Asshole Incarnate the Leader of all that is Unholy, Evil and Stupid? And about what did you discuss?"

Before starting my own company, I worked for one of the stupidest people on the planet. He managed to lie, cheat and steal, commit several felonies, and still make tons of money, and karma hasn't yet caught up with him. The last time I talked to him was via email, when I resigned. My email was a very professional, courteous email letting him know that I had decided to leave the company because I felt the direction of the company was slipping. He never replied, but within five minutes, my email address didn't work and my database access was removed. That's the type of piece of shit he really is.

Su asks: "1. Do you have any phobias? 2. What is the most unusual sexual fantasy you have ever had?"

1. I'm a bit claustrophobic, and though I can handle heights, I'm still a bit acrophobic. My biggest phobia, though, is luposlipophobia, which is, of course, the fear of being chased around a kitchen table on newly waxed floors in your socks by timber wolves.

2. It involved shrinking to a size of only a few inches, sneaking into a woman's room, and being used in ungodly ways. I can't say more to avoid violating several federal laws.

Video X asks: At what age did you begin your hatred of everyone else? Do you think that it makes you smarter? (I'll make this one easy...the answer is yes.) How has your hatred of people developed over the years?

That's an interesting question. I'm not exactly sure what the answer is. There was a point in my life when I was watching a movie and listening to the audience laugh at jokes that were telegraphed, obvious, cliched, and not even funny, and I thought to myself "These aren't people - they're sheep, and we're better off without them."

Anytime I hear someone spout an opinion that they're just repeating without understanding, or see someone discriminate against another person for some ridiculously stereotypical prejudice, my opinion of everyone is lowered even more.

Whether it's something as small as confusing "your" or "you're" or as large as thinking all Middle Eastern people are terrorists, it adds up to make me realize that I'm condescending, pretentious, and high maintenance, but at least I'm not a stupid piece of shit who needs to go play in traffic.

Kal asks: "Are you real? What's your proof? (let's go existential)"


Melissa asks: "1. If you could be any animal, what would it be and why? 2. What is your favorite word? 3. What is your best physical feature, in your opinion - and what is it in your wife's opinion?"

Wow, four questions. You're pushing it a bit, aren't you?

1. A dolphin. I hope someday to own a dolphin of my own. They're smart, I think they emote, and what's better than swimming all day long with almost no natural predators?

2. This can be taken a few ways. The word that is my favorite to say all the time is "Avitable", of course. My favorite word that I made up is "woprechaun", which describes an Italian/Irish person like myself. The word that I love to hear other people say is "Yes" as in "Yes, you're right" or "Yes, I'll order your services" or "Yes, I'll do what you say again".

3. My eyes or my smile. And my wife agrees.

Dave asks: "What's your favorite comic book SERIES of all time? What's your single favorite comic book ISSUE of all time? Favorite comic writer? Artist?"

This is a good answer to end this post on. Here are your answers, Dave.

1. Favorite series of all time - it's a tie between the Ostrander/Mandrake Martian Manhunter series and the Ennis/McCrea Hitman series. I can't choose. If I had to sell my entire 30,000 book collection, I'd keep those two runs even if I had to sell a kidney.

2. Favorite issue of all time - Flash (Vol 2) #163. Written by Pat McGreal. Wally West saves the lives of Superman, Batman, Green Lantern and Aquaman in the span of a few seconds and sends the Turtle back into the distant past. It's a one-shot, but very clever and a wicked fun read.

3. Favorite comic writer - This is a hard one. Easy answer is Warren Ellis. But I will also read anything that Garth Ennis or Grant Morrison writes. Or Mark Waid. I have no good answer for this one.

4. Favorite comic artist - Probably Scott Kollins (Flash), although Steve Dillon (Preacher) is a close second. And John McCrea (Hitman) and Kevin Maguire (JLI) are close behind that. I don't follow artists, though - if they're on a book, cool, but I'll only pick it up if I like the writer.

And that's it for today. Tomorrow I'll finish up answering questions, and then everybody will know wayyyy too much about me.

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