A real post. Gasp!

This has been a hectic few weeks. Tomorrow night I'm throwing a big Halloween party (if you live in Florida and want to come, email me), so I've been getting everything together for it - bartender, food, decorations, blood for the pool, etc. But this Friday morning I thought I'd write an actual blog post, since I haven't done that in a while. Surveys and videos have taken over. Although, the video blogging seemed popular, so I'll try that again sometime.

So here are some things that I've been thinking about recently:

1. Slugs. From wiki: "Slugs produce two types of mucus: one which is thin and watery, and another which is thick and sticky. Both are hygroscopic. The thin mucus is spread out from the centre of the foot to the edges. The thick mucus spreads out from front to back." I learned this the hard way when there was a huge one crawling on my porch screen. I tried to pick it off to throw it outside, but it was slippery, so I actually had to dig my nails into it to peel it off of the screen. Then, the slime would not leave my hands. I tried washing, I tried putting salt on them - nothing would work until I basically peeled off a full layer of finger skin. That's not the worst part. An hour later I bit my fingernail, as I'm prone to do, forgetting that I had slug mucus and skin still stuck underneath my fingernails. That was fucking disgusting!

2. Testicles. I was talking to (and listening to) a certain Bitch last night and was explaining how I spell my name on the phone sometimes. If I'm in a good mood or feel like being clever, I'll say "A" "V as in Vagina" "I" "T as in tits" "A" "B as in Bazongas" "L" "E". But then, later, I realized that "T as in testicles" is probably better. Testicles is a word that is always funny. If you walk up to someone and just say "Testicles", I think they'll laugh - unless they hit you with their purse or bag or taze you, in which case I'm not responsible. But testicles are always funny. They look funny, they move funny, and the word is funny.

3. Superman. Most people who aren't old or retarded will know the age-old discussion about Superman having sex. If everything is superpowered, wouldn't it (a) be superfast, and (b) be so powerful that unless he's wearing a Kryptonite condom, the semen would just shoot out of the top of the woman's head? Would Superman kill Lois with an orgasm? I think that people approach this argument from the wrong direction. Superman is invulnerable. This means that if a bullet hits him, he can't feel it. If you walked up behind him and smacked him in the head with a 2X4, he wouldn't feel it. So, how the hell are the sensitive nerve endings on his penis going to feel a damn thing? They're not, and unless she's got a Kryptonite butt plug that's tickling his prostate and he can ejaculate without penile stimulation, the man is never going to get off, and Lois will never die. Superman will just have to fake it, forever. Invulnerable blue balls have to be a bitch, too.

Welcome to my brain. Thanks for stopping by, and please leave your 3D glasses in the bins to your right.

0 Thoughts:



Create a Link

<< Home