I wish the government would do useful things, like rename the days of the week to get us free things. Like, for example, Friday should become "Fry Day", and every fast food place should be federally mandated to give out free french fries! Some other suggestions:
"Fry Day" - see above
"Tater Day" - Free Tater Tots from the grocery store.
"Bun Day" - Free hot dogs at every outside vendor.
"Moon(pie) Day" - Free Moon Pies!
"Tits Day" - Women have to, on request, flash their boobs.
"Weed, Nuts Day" - You can smoke up without repercussion, or get a jar of free nuts. Your choice.
"Words Day" - Make up any word that you want, with a definition, and it will be added to the English lexicon. I'm pretty avitaporated about this day!
Think about where you could go with this. We could have months that are federally mandated to give us goodies, too:
"Man No Hairy" - The first month of the year when everyone can get free haircuts, pube trims, anything related to hair.
"Fib if you're Married" - February will now become a month when spouses (and any couple) can lie and cheat on each other without repercussion. This will also mean no more Valentine's Day!
"Munch" - Eat all you want, what you want. The government won't let you gain an ounce, guaranteed.
"Lay full" - Since you spent all of Munch eating, this month you can sleep and lay around all day around, digesting all your food.
"Gay" - Everybody's happy per federal mandate.
"Loon" - During this summer month, go as crazy as you want. Run around naked, speak in tongues, have sex with sheep, paint your toes purple, scratch the spiders that are crawling under your skin. You have carte blanche to go absolutely loony without worrying about being locked up.
"To Fly!" - Everyone can fly. Just make sure you're on the ground by midnight, To Fly 31st.
"Bloggest" - Bloggers are considered the best people in the world. They get to run the country for a month, including declaring any wars they want, mooning heads of state, and enacting legislature.
"Strep-tember" - Worst month of the year. Everyone has strep throat. The pharmaceutical company lobby convinced the gov't to do this one.
"Cock-tober" - Everyone has a 14 inch penis, women included, for a month. Finally we'll all know what it feels like to be a part of the well-endowed, dark-skinned minority.
"Goo-vember" - Just the unfortunate aftermath of everyone having 14-inch cocks.
"Whee-cember" - The month of roller coasters and fun. Carnivals are required to be in every county in the United States, running 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, all month.
I think I'm a fucking genius!
Filed in: avitable, avitable-isms
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