I think I need a butler

I think I need a manservant of some sort. Someone who can constantly keep the house clean, bring me Diet Cokes on a regular basis, provide shoulder massages, go to the grocery store daily for the evening's meal, cook the evening's meal, sort the mail, do the laundry, answer the phone, answer the door, shop for my clothes, cut my hair, clean the windows, iron the curtains, do the dishes, clean the pool, trim the hedges, tend to the garden, wash my back, vacuum the dog hair, feed the dog, walk the dog, help me fight crime, clip my toenails, trim my ball hair, and serve all meals on silver platters with lids.

Is that too much for this humble gorilla man to ask?