You want to know

Got this from KG and BPR and someone else. More things you never wanted to know about the Holy Avitable:

1. Where is the only place you can go and feel safe?

I'm six feet tall, I look like a gorilla/serial killer, and I can lift a small car. I usually feel safe anywhere. But if I ever need to, I can go make a fort out of pillows and hide in there.

2. What was playing in the background when you lost your virginity?

I don't recall any specific music playing, although it could be that I couldn't hear it over the sound of the cheers and laughter. My grandmother's Christmas parties were wild stuff!

3. What was the first color your room was painted?

Which room? The room I'm in now? It's royal blue. My first room as a child? It had a mural of Disneyland on the wall that I would stare at for hours. Might explain why Minnie Mouse gives me a funny feeling in my pants now that I'm older . . .

4. Where did you go on your very first date ever?

Out to a remote cabin in the woods, where nobody could hear the screams or the digging.

5. If you had to pick one toy from the 80’s to be buried with, what would it be?

Optimus Prime. Transformers were awesome. Better than those fucking Go-Bots, which were just cheap ripoffs of Transformers. Guess which ones my parents bought for me, though. Yup.

6. If you could have gone to any high school (real or fake) which would it have been and why?

I enjoyed my high school experience, so I wouldn't change it at all. But I think it would have been fun to go to the same high school as Ferris Bueller, or Teen Wolf, or Buffy or any of those great shows/movies. Just not Carrie.

7. What was the first curse word you said?

I don't remember, but I do remember a little story about the first time I used profanity in front of a family member. I was 10 or 11, and I was with my little sister, who was 7 or 8. I was getting into an altercation with this kid and he gave up and decided to ride away on his bike. As he rode off, he screams "Fuck you!" In a rush of inspiration, I have a comeback ready immediately. Quickly, I turn to my sister and say "Don't tell Mom and Dad, k?" and, before waiting for confirmation, yell out "This machine is out of order - Fuck yourself and save a quarter!" I was so proud on the ride home, until my sister ran up and immediately informed my parents about my "cleverness".

8. What was the first “adult” movie you ever watched?

I think it was "The Godfucker", starring Al Peniso and Robert Bonero. Or maybe it was "Come on the Wind", starring Cock Gable? "The Whizzer of Oz", a golden shower adventure with the Hard Man, the Scarecock, the Cowardly Moan, Tit-o, and Dorothy Lay? "Hard Wars", with Princess Lay-a, Luke Skyfucker, Chewcocka, and Hard Solo?

9. What was your mother’s vocal range?

What's your mother's cup size?

10. What was the meanest thing you have ever done. Was it justified or unjustified?

I've done many mean things in my life. I believe that the ends justify the means 99% of the time, so everything is justified. I don't think I can come up with one thing that was so much meaner than the rest.

As a child, I made teachers cry, and I made teachers snap. I made a few classmates cry and hate me for the rest of their stupid lives. As an adult, I've made employees cry, made them quit, fired them, I've played pranks on management to the point that they thought they were going crazy. I've rumormongered, destroyed confidences, and humiliated people. However, I've only done this to people who violated my trust. So they deserved it - fuck 'em.

11. What was the name of your first pet?

Larry the cat. It was a female cat. Which we found out when "he" gave birth to five kittens. All of whom died over a six month period - one got hit by lightning, one got run over by the neighbor, one disappeared, one got attached by a wild animal, and one just died. We buried all of them in a part of our backyard that my parents later built an addition on. My bedroom was directly over the kitty burial ground, and I was convinced that kitten ghosts were going to haunt me.

12. If you could say anything to anyone and not get popped in the eye what would you say to whom?

I'm honest with people. I maintain some sense of tact, but for the most part, I say what I'm thinking even if it were to get me popped in the eye.

13. What are you thinking right now?

Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow

14. What would you do if you ended up on PYMMOTI?

Whatever. I put my personal information and pictures online because I'm not exactly lacking in self-confidence or self-esteem. I could give a shit what anyone else says. HATE is a big softie, though.

15. What are you doing on Friday?

Day after Thanksgiving? Working. Maybe eating leftover turkey sandwiches. Have carnal relations with the bird carcass. You know, the usual.

16. What is your favorite method of torture?

I like invisible torture. You do things to people's environment when they're not around to make them think that they're going crazy. Just little things like rearranging their file folders alphabetically by first name instead of last name, or constantly adjusting their chair a inch higher or lower each day, alternating daily. Or even switching their Outlook appointments for all the wrong days so they go to the doctor and dentist at the wrong times and dates. It's all fun.

17. What do you want your last words to be?

I have a few options I'd like:

"What's that button do?"
"Don't worry, I'm grounded fine. Turn on the power."
"Snake handling's my middle name!"
"Of course I can fly your plane. I'm a licensed pilot."

18. What do you want as your epitaph?

Once again, a few options:

"Here lies Adam Heath Avitable. He'll be back, and this time he'll be hungry."

"Here lies Adam Heath Avitable. Even rotting in the ground, he's smarter than you."

"Here lies Adam Heath Avitable. This motherfucker's goin' to heaven!"

19. Which bodily function do you enjoy more?

Eating while orgasming and going to the bathroom at the same time I'm blowing my nose.

20. How would you like to die?

Quietly, like my grandfather, not screaming in horror like his passengers. (Yeah, I know it's an old joke, but it's fitting.)

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