Avitable-isms: Tact is for the weak: November 2006

Why is everyone a collective retard?

A simple function: shipping a package from one place to another. Right?

I sent a salesperson up to Chicago and shipped up two huge boxes of promotional shit. DHL manages to destroy one box, but they re-tape it and deliver it, only they forgot to include the fucking banner! The full banner that was supposed to go on our table that had our company name, logo, and contact information. The one that could be seen across the room to attract potential clients. The one that cost me $120.

Yeah, DHL fucking lost it. And nobody knows where it is. And DHL acts like it's no big deal. They destroyed a box and then were too fucking retarded to put all of the contents back in? What the fuck? How is the person who did that capable of walking and breathing without assistance, much less packing a box or driving, since they've obviously got the mental capacity of a crack baby?

If I ever meet this person, I'll beat him from ass to beard.

You knew I was weird . . .

I saw that Kal did this, so I decided to do it as well. Here are six new weird things about me:

1. When I travel, I bring matches and sometimes a candle with me in case I have to use someone else's bathroom. I really want it to smell as nice and minty fresh as when I entered it. Of course, I would rarely stay with someone else - I'd rather get a hotel room so I have my own space.

2. When I have work to do, and I'm in a strange mood, I can set a song on repeat and have it play 70 or 80 times while I work. I don't get sick of it - in fact, I like it just as much at the end as I do in the beginning.

3. If I buy a new videogame, I have to play it until I finish. This is not some random desire - it's an actual obsession that overtakes me. Once I've beaten it all the way through, I'll relax and I can go back later and take my time enjoying it. It affects my work and my sleep.

4. If I notice that someone has bad breath, I dislike them.

5. I can't understand song lyrics at all. If I don't have the lyrics written in front of me, I have no idea what people are singing. Here's an example I've mentioned earlier. The theme song from Caddyshack is Kenny Loggin's "I'm All Right". Until two years ago, I had no idea what he was singing, and I actually thought he was saying "Admiral."

6. I keep my hair relatively short, but my shampoo costs $25. I do use shampoo to lather every hairy part of my body, which means pretty much everything from ass to beard.

I won't tag anyone. I'm not that cruel.

Post-Thanksgiving linguistics lesson

If you say any of these, stop:

* deep-seeded instead of deep-seated
* deformation of character instead of defamation of character
* for all intensive purposes instead of for all intents and purposes
* free reign instead of free rein
* hunger pains instead of hunger pangs
* next store instead of next door
* pier-to-pier networking instead of peer-to-peer networking
* preying mantis instead of praying mantis
* sorted past instead of sordid past
* tenderhooks instead of tenterhooks
* tow the line instead of toe the line
* without further adieu instead of without further ado
* it's a doggie-dog world instead of it's a dog-eat-dog world
* visa versa instead of vice versa
* reaping havoc or reeking havoc instead of wreaking havoc
* mute point instead of moot point
* court marshal instead of court martial
* honing in instead of homing in
* mix words instead of mince words
* a big tado instead of a big to-do
* beyond approach instead of beyond reproach

These are called "egg corns" (think "acorn"), and some of them are used verbally, and many of them are used in writing. It only makes you look ignorant. Go here for more information on Eggcorns.

This has been a public service announcement from your friendly neighborhood Avitable.

Thankful

I don't take a particular day to be thankful for what I have. I am fully cognizant of all of the great things that are going on in my life year round. However, apparently because today represents a day when some white=skinned bastards decided to destroy some brown-skinned bastards by giving them diseases they had never been exposed to, sleeping with their women, killing the strongest men, and introducing the concept of ownership to a land where that term was alien, we decide to be thankful and eat until we fall asleep. Thankful for what? That we're not Native Americans?

Indians (yes, I'm going with the politically incorrect term here, fuck you very much) still get short shrift. They're discriminated against in the media, where they're either amazing trackers who commune with animals or they're drunks or corrupt casino owners. They get shafted by the government, insulted by people and treated like second-class citizens in areas around reservations, and basically have very little chance of success in life if they try to remain integrated with their culture. They don't have an Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson to stand up for them and defend their rights if people trample on them. Who's the most well-known Indian you know? Graham fucking Greene?

So I guess I'm thankful that I'm a descendant of the oppressors (my ancestors were on the Mayflower), not the oppressees. Because that must just really fucking suck. Sorry guys.

Holiday cards

I'm preparing my Christmas card list for this year, and if any of you want to be privileged enough to receive one, please leave a comment and I'll email you for your address. I like to make funny cards for the holidays - they typically give my mother grayer hair and make her dread the mail throughout December. Here's the faux newsletter I made last year (click to view the PDF):

And here's the card from the year before:

So don't miss out on this year's holiday greeting from Avitable. It will be the best gift you'll ever receive for the rest of your life. Guaranteed or your money back.

You want to know

Got this from KG and BPR and someone else. More things you never wanted to know about the Holy Avitable:

1. Where is the only place you can go and feel safe?

I'm six feet tall, I look like a gorilla/serial killer, and I can lift a small car. I usually feel safe anywhere. But if I ever need to, I can go make a fort out of pillows and hide in there.

2. What was playing in the background when you lost your virginity?

I don't recall any specific music playing, although it could be that I couldn't hear it over the sound of the cheers and laughter. My grandmother's Christmas parties were wild stuff!

3. What was the first color your room was painted?

Which room? The room I'm in now? It's royal blue. My first room as a child? It had a mural of Disneyland on the wall that I would stare at for hours. Might explain why Minnie Mouse gives me a funny feeling in my pants now that I'm older . . .

4. Where did you go on your very first date ever?

Out to a remote cabin in the woods, where nobody could hear the screams or the digging.

5. If you had to pick one toy from the 80’s to be buried with, what would it be?

Optimus Prime. Transformers were awesome. Better than those fucking Go-Bots, which were just cheap ripoffs of Transformers. Guess which ones my parents bought for me, though. Yup.

6. If you could have gone to any high school (real or fake) which would it have been and why?

I enjoyed my high school experience, so I wouldn't change it at all. But I think it would have been fun to go to the same high school as Ferris Bueller, or Teen Wolf, or Buffy or any of those great shows/movies. Just not Carrie.

7. What was the first curse word you said?

I don't remember, but I do remember a little story about the first time I used profanity in front of a family member. I was 10 or 11, and I was with my little sister, who was 7 or 8. I was getting into an altercation with this kid and he gave up and decided to ride away on his bike. As he rode off, he screams "Fuck you!" In a rush of inspiration, I have a comeback ready immediately. Quickly, I turn to my sister and say "Don't tell Mom and Dad, k?" and, before waiting for confirmation, yell out "This machine is out of order - Fuck yourself and save a quarter!" I was so proud on the ride home, until my sister ran up and immediately informed my parents about my "cleverness".

8. What was the first “adult” movie you ever watched?

I think it was "The Godfucker", starring Al Peniso and Robert Bonero. Or maybe it was "Come on the Wind", starring Cock Gable? "The Whizzer of Oz", a golden shower adventure with the Hard Man, the Scarecock, the Cowardly Moan, Tit-o, and Dorothy Lay? "Hard Wars", with Princess Lay-a, Luke Skyfucker, Chewcocka, and Hard Solo?

9. What was your mother’s vocal range?

What's your mother's cup size?

10. What was the meanest thing you have ever done. Was it justified or unjustified?

I've done many mean things in my life. I believe that the ends justify the means 99% of the time, so everything is justified. I don't think I can come up with one thing that was so much meaner than the rest.

As a child, I made teachers cry, and I made teachers snap. I made a few classmates cry and hate me for the rest of their stupid lives. As an adult, I've made employees cry, made them quit, fired them, I've played pranks on management to the point that they thought they were going crazy. I've rumormongered, destroyed confidences, and humiliated people. However, I've only done this to people who violated my trust. So they deserved it - fuck 'em.

11. What was the name of your first pet?

Larry the cat. It was a female cat. Which we found out when "he" gave birth to five kittens. All of whom died over a six month period - one got hit by lightning, one got run over by the neighbor, one disappeared, one got attached by a wild animal, and one just died. We buried all of them in a part of our backyard that my parents later built an addition on. My bedroom was directly over the kitty burial ground, and I was convinced that kitten ghosts were going to haunt me.

12. If you could say anything to anyone and not get popped in the eye what would you say to whom?

I'm honest with people. I maintain some sense of tact, but for the most part, I say what I'm thinking even if it were to get me popped in the eye.

13. What are you thinking right now?

Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow
Meow
Meow
Meow!

14. What would you do if you ended up on PYMMOTI?

Whatever. I put my personal information and pictures online because I'm not exactly lacking in self-confidence or self-esteem. I could give a shit what anyone else says. HATE is a big softie, though.

15. What are you doing on Friday?

Day after Thanksgiving? Working. Maybe eating leftover turkey sandwiches. Have carnal relations with the bird carcass. You know, the usual.

16. What is your favorite method of torture?

I like invisible torture. You do things to people's environment when they're not around to make them think that they're going crazy. Just little things like rearranging their file folders alphabetically by first name instead of last name, or constantly adjusting their chair a inch higher or lower each day, alternating daily. Or even switching their Outlook appointments for all the wrong days so they go to the doctor and dentist at the wrong times and dates. It's all fun.

17. What do you want your last words to be?

I have a few options I'd like:

"What's that button do?"
"Don't worry, I'm grounded fine. Turn on the power."
"Snake handling's my middle name!"
"Of course I can fly your plane. I'm a licensed pilot."

18. What do you want as your epitaph?

Once again, a few options:

"Here lies Adam Heath Avitable. He'll be back, and this time he'll be hungry."

"Here lies Adam Heath Avitable. Even rotting in the ground, he's smarter than you."

"Here lies Adam Heath Avitable. This motherfucker's goin' to heaven!"

19. Which bodily function do you enjoy more?

Eating while orgasming and going to the bathroom at the same time I'm blowing my nose.

20. How would you like to die?

Quietly, like my grandfather, not screaming in horror like his passengers. (Yeah, I know it's an old joke, but it's fitting.)

Last night

Last night, I went to bed at 7. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I slept until 7 this morning. I think I needed a good night's rest, apparently. And I had the weirdest fucking dreams. I dreamt that:

1. Warren Ellis, a writer revered in the comics field for his fantastic imagination and revolutionary concepts took a week break from his blog and pointed all of his readers in my direction for reading to occupy their time. Other than the fact that I know Warren loves the picture in my header, I don't even know if he's ever read the blog, so that was quite bizarre.

2. I went and visited Beth and her husband John at a Denny's. There were two other random people there that I don't remember, and a dog. We had to squeeze in one of the booths, and her husband had to sit on my knee. Beth showed us the movie she made by splicing elements of the Lord of the Rings and Nacho Libre with Requiem for a Dream and adding her own soundtrack.

3. Somehow, my shorts fell down about three inches, exposing the top of my ass and of course, part of my ass crack. And they were stuck! No matter what I did, I couldn't pull them up - they just stayed there, and I had a full day of errands to run, a meeting with a potential client, and dinner with my investors. All with my ass crack showing. Everybody was staring and pointing at my ass crack throughout the entire day. WTF!

Faithful Avitable flock, I need your help

Okay, my millions upon millions of readers and faithful Avitable Churchgoers. I need your help and I need it quickly.

I have been searching for the past few days for a relatively high quality, high resolution picture of Lynndie England standing and pointing at the line of naked prisoners. That's the only one I need. The others are not ones that I want. Here's a low res version of what I need:

If anyone happens to have either a magazine or newspaper with that picture that they can scan at 600-1200 dpi and send to me, or a link to an image online that is relatively high res, that they can send me, they will earn my everlasting love and respect. Well, my love, at least.

Bob Saget is a funny man

His stand up is hilarious, and his appearance on the Aristocrats is one of the funniest out of all the other comedians. Here's a song by Bob Saget about Danny Tanner. Even though the quality's kinda shitty, it's still worth watching. Thanks to Virginia.

Back to geeks

Ok, after my geek discussion, I said that I was going to write a post explaining why geeks are worth it. And I was, but then I felt like I'd be plagiarizing an existing list that explains exactly that. So, instead, I've decided to just quote that and then give my opinions on each point.

From Craigslist:

In the wide world of dating, there are many options. Do you go for the flashy guy with the smooth smile, or the dude in the corner typing away on his laptop? The following are reasons why I think my fellow females should pay more attention to the quiet geeks and nerds, and less attention to the flashy boys.

1.) While geeks and nerds may be awkward, they’re well-meaning 9 out of 10 times. That smooth dude with the sly grin and the spider hands? Wonder what HIS intentions are... plus, I’ve never had a geek guy not call me when he said he would. Score major points THERE.

This is definitely true. Unless you're being an idiot woman who thinks that if a guy calls you he's violating some stupid fucking relationship rule. You deserve whomever or whatever you end up with.

2.) They’re useful. In this tech-savvy world, it’s great to have a b/f who can make your laptop, desktop, and just about anything else that plugs into a wall behave itself.

Of course, this is assuming that you aren't savvy enough to do it yourself. But if you are, you're probably already aware why geeks are worth it.

3.) They’re more romantic than they’re given credit for. Ok true, their idea of romance might be to make up a spiffy web-page with all the reasons why they love you, with links to pics of you and sonnets and such... but hey. It lasts longer than flowers, plus you can show your friends.

I don't know how much I agree with this one. Many geeks that I know have a hard time being romantic, but they will try really hard, which is better than going by the numbers like many men do.

4.) Due to their neglected status, there are plenty to choose from. You like ‘em tall and slender? There are plenty of geeks/nerds who are. You like ‘em smaller with more meat on their bones? Got that too.

Do you like them the size of a gorilla? Do you like them if they don't have to worry about bullies because they can easily demolish anything in their way, but they still giggle about Superman? Got that too.

5.) They’ve got brains. Come on now, how can intelligence be a bad thing?

Now, brains doesn't necessarily mean erudition, literacy, or any type of ability with wordplay. But intelligence in one area is better than retardation on all levels.

6.) Most are quite good at remembering dates. Like birthdates and such, especially if they know it’ll make you happy. Due again to their neglected status, they’re more attentive than guys who “have more options”. Plus, with all that down time without a steady girlfriend, they’ll likely have mental lists of all the things they’d love to do once they GOT a girlfriend.

I agree wholeheartedly.

7.) Sex. Yep. Sex. I’m not really familiar with this myself, but I’ve friends who’ve been intimate with geek guys and it’s raves all around. They say a virgin wrote the Kama Sutra... all that time thinking about sex, imagining sex, dreaming about sex, (they are male after all) coupled with a desire to make you happy? Use your imagination.

Here's another divergence. I don't think a geek is going to make a particularly effective sexual partner - they're probably a bit clumsy and sweaty about it. However, they're also more likely to look at the relationship analytically and realize that the intimacy is very important and sometimes even more important than sex sometimes.

8.) They’re relatively low-maintenance. Most can be fueled on pizza, Twinkies and Mt Dew. No complicated dinners needed here, so if you’re not the best cook, eh. Can you order a pizza?

Damn straight.

9.) Most frequent bars as often as slugs frequent salt mines. You won’t have to worry much about your geek guy getting his “groove” on with club hotties because, frankly, he’ll be too busy rooting around under his computer wondering where that spare cable went. You won’t have to worry about him flirting with other women because, 9 out of 10 times, he’ll zip right by them in a perfect b-line towards the nearest electronics store. I’ve seen this happen.
Me: “Eww. Victoria Secret’s Models... They’re so skinny. How is that feminine? You can see her ribs!”
Geek Guy: “ooooooo...”
Me: “Hey!” *notices he is staring lustfully towards the computer store*
Geek Guy: “What?”
Me: “Never mind...”

I agree. Even if they imbibe, most geeks don't enjoy hanging out a bar. The point of going out is to do something. If you just want to hang out, why not do that at home. I'd also add a corollary: Most geeks don't like strip clubs. To be honest, I wouldn't go to one unless my wife forced me to go to one with her. I think they're creepy and disgusting, and I'd rather stay at home and watch TV.

10.) Although he may not want to go to every outing with you, you can arrange swaps, as in, you’ll go to his Gamer Con dressed as an elf princess if he’ll take you to the ballet. Plus, if he doesn’t want to go someplace with you, you won’t have to worry much about what he’s up to. You’ll probably come home to find him asleep on his keyboard in a sea of Mt. Dew cans with code blinking from the screen. It’s ok. He’s used to this. Just toss a blanket over him and turn out the light.

Having independent lives at the same time that you are in a relationship is very important. I have friends who feel like their significant other should have to accompany them to every mundane activity they do - it makes no sense, and all it does is make the s.o. resentful.

11.) His friends aren’t jerks. I can’t stress this enough. You’ll more likely get “Omg! A GIRL!! Can I see?!” than “Hey hot stuff back that ass up here and let me get some grub on...” They’re awkward geeks too and will, 9 times out of 10, treat you with the utmost respect and, more than likely, a note of awe. A cute girl picked one of their clan to date? It could happen to them! Hope! Drag some of your single girlfriends over, open up a pack of Mt. Dew, crack open the DnD set and get working. Nothing impresses geek guys more than a girl who can hack-n-slash (well ok maybe if she can code... a geek can dream).

They might not be jerks, but many of them will be elitist regarding many of their pursuits. This doesn't mean that they're an asshole about everything, but they will have disdain for people who don't understand those things for which they have a passion.

12.) They’re rarely if ever possessive. They trust you, so you can be yourself around them. You like to walk around the house in a ratty t-shirt for comfort? He won’t care. He does too! They won’t get pissy if you don’t wear make-up or don’t want to bother primping your hair. If you gain a few pounds, they won’t try their best to make you feel like crap.

Very true. They're trusting and not shallow in many respects.

13.) They’re usually very well educated. Physics majors and the like. See #5. You won’t have to listen to him blathering on about his car (ok maybe a little), he’ll have loads of other interesting things to talk about. Politics, world events, how much the chicken burgers down at the local place rock, so long as you douse them in hot sauce...

See #5.

14.) You’ll almost never have to hear, “Yaw dawg whazzap!!” plop out of their mouths. Unless it’s in jest. They spell properly, use correct punctuation, and are able to tell the difference between the toilet and the floor. They almost never get “wasted”, so you won’t have to worry about coming home to find him and his friends passed out on the floor amidst a pile of beer bottles. Mt. Dew cans, perhaps...

Once again, see my previous points about this one.

15.) And the final reason why geeks and nerds make great boyfriends: They actually give a damn about you. Not how you look (though that’s a plus), not how skinny you are, not how much make-up you primp yourself up with, but they like you for you. That kind of thing lasts longer than “DaMN baby you got a fine ass!!!” Believe me.

This is probably the most accurate statement from the whole list. Geeks care about their significant others. If they are going to take time from their interests to spend with someone from the opposite sex, that person will have to be worthwhile. There's no point for them to waste their time with meaningless one-night stands or short-term relationships. If they are interested in you, they care about you. And many of them know that they might not have many chances at a good relationship, so they're less likely to be commitment-phobic.

I know that many of the women who read my blogs have dated, are married to, or otherwise have relationships with us geeks, and I would guess that many of them would agree to several, if not all, of the above assertions. If you are a reader who hasn't taken a chance on a geek near you, try now. Before it's too late and he's a billionaire software developer who can have any woman alive.

So my wife died

laughing, that is, from all the jokes I kept telling her.

After her surgery, in Recovery, the nurse walked in and said "On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being agony, how much pain do you feel right now?"

Amy said, "1".

I said, "How about now?" and mimed punching her in the face with sound effects and all.

She said, in a sad voice, "12" and she and I laughed uproariously.

The nurse did not find us amusing in the slightest. When she went to take Amy's temperature, I said, "Ma'am, she prefers her temperature to be taken rectally," and Amy started laughing and almost spit the thermometer in the nurse's face, the nurse got angrier.

It was when I started having an IV spray fight with an orderly that security had to get involved. Ah, yet another hospital that I can never enter again.

Not meme, youyou

I know I was going to talk about geeks and why they are good, but that will have to wait for next post.

Here's a meme all about my wife, Amy. I stole it from KG.

1. How does she take her coffee?
Apparently, she knows an age-old way of drinking coffee that I'd never heard of. She puts the grounds directly in her mouth, microwaves a cup of water for 10 minutes and then drinks it with the grounds while shaking violently. It normally freaks people out when they first see it.

Or, she just goes to Starbucks and gets a latte or chai, depending on her mood.

2. Is she a morning person or a night person?
Morning person. I, however, am both a night and morning person. I'm just not an afternoon person.

3. What kind of car does she drive?
We only have one car. Since I work from home, and her office is less than a mile from our house, there's no need for a second one. We have a 2002 Toyota Camry. For our next car, I want to get a Lincoln Navigator, a Lexus, or an Acura. She wants a hybrid.

4. Does she adhere to the speed limit?
When I first met Amy, she drove like her family. Very slowly, not using mirrors or peripheral vision - just staring at the road and cars ahead. Thankfully, after a prolonged exposure to Avitable driving (much like exposure to radiation), she has become a very aggressive driver. While she doesn't quite reach the Mach speeds that I do, the speed limit has become a suggestion rather than a rule for her. I'm so proud!

5. How long does she take in the shower?
I don't know about showers, but it takes her about 45 minutes to give me my sponge bath. Basically she just puts on a Hazmat suit, puts a wet sponge on a stick, and pokes at my stinky spots until the visible smell lines disappear.

6. What are her favorite food and favorite drink?
Used to be meat. Now she's vegetarian, and all vegetables look the same to me. I'm a vegiracist.

7. What kind of soap does she use?
What's up with these weird questions? It's soap. Irish Terror, or something like that. Plus we have body wash. I love body wash.

8. What kind of shampoo?
I used to shampoo my head with an awesome garlic/butter combination, but my wife got me hooked on Aveda rosemary mint shampoo, and then changed to some other brand. I have no idea.

9. What would she say is the thing she likes the most about you?
Well, since we've been together, my hump has dissipated, so she probably likes that. That, and maybe my sense of humor.

10. What would she say is the thing that annoys her most about you?
My packrat tendencies. I like to make piles. And when I sleep, I like to punch in random directions every fourteen minutes. And I emit pheremones that attract horny opossum. And due to a mentally-scarring episode when I was a child, I introduce myself by kicking the other person in the crotch. And I giggle and pee myself every time someone says the word "the".

11. How did you meet?
First week of law school. I was the only person who wasn't studying furiously - in fact, I was reading a novel for fun. She came up to see if I was stupid, crazy, or a brilliant amazing wonderful genius. Obviously, I was a little bit of all three.

12. Tell me about your first date with each other.
We went out to dinner at Fitz's in Saint Louis and saw one of the worst movies in the history of moviedom, Rounders. Even though I like Matt Damon and Ed Norton, this movie was dreadful. And we both said that we liked it when we walked out of the theater.

13. Where does she hide her stash… and what kind of stash is it?
Another stupid question. First of all, why would anyone have to hide a stash from their spouse. Secondly, what type of stash would someone need to hide? Drugs? Cash? Porn?

Although, she does have a harem of male strippers that she hides in our closet and thinks I don't know.

14. Is she a saver or a spender?
She started out as nothing but a saver. Now she saves quite a bit, but also realizes that we can earmark money for spending on fun things, too. Like diamond-encrusted doorknobs and a butler.

15. What would she do with $10,000?
It's obvious that this is written by someone in high school. That's not very much money. We might pay off part of a credit card, or that might pay for half of the hot tub we want to get installed.

16. What is the one possession of hers that you absolutely detest, but she would kill you if you threw it away?
There is nothing like that. Before we moved to Los Angeles from Saint Louis, I had my dad's wingback chair with goosedown pillows that I absolutely loved, and we couldn't bring it with us because we had to make room for her papasan chair. However, I got to exact delicious revenge by selling her papasan in Los Angeles before we moved to Florida for $25.

17. Who wears the pants in the house?
I don't believe in wearing pants, obviously. So she does. Undoubtedly. I do what I'm told so I don't get beaten. With a stick!

18. What is her ultimate weakness?
Puppies. And kitties. And ferrets. And fish. And turtles. And any other type of animal out there.

Oh, and Kryptonite.

19. How would she describe you?
When we were first dating, she would tell her friends who had never met me that I was this "Italian guy". That drove me absofuckinglutely nuts because the obvious impression they get is that I'm some Guido with gold chains and wife-beaters, slicked-back hair and the intelligence of a retarded monkey.

Now she just takes out a picture of a gorilla, says "Imagine this, but with slightly less hair, worse posture, a computer stuck to his face, and a bacon cheeseburger in each hand. Oh, and he makes me say this - he's also erudite and witty."

20. How will you spend the holidays?
Thanksgiving will be spent with my parents and other extended family members. We will be hosting Christmas dinner at our house. I will cook. We've already given each other our Christmas gifts (mine was the huge television that you're all jealous of, and hers was her trip to Paris in December to go shopping with her girlfriends), so otherwise it will be relatively low-key.

And that's it. At least this one didn't have any corporate sponsorship like the last few. Amy gets surgery tomorrow on her herniated disc, so I'll be in and out over the weekend, or I'll be online constantly if she's sleeping the whole weekend.

Geeks

There are many different types of geeks out there. I am a self-professed geek, but I'm more like the amalgam geek - I know a little about a lot of different areas. Many geeks specialize in one main area, and you may not realize it, but you too could be a geek. Here are the different categories of geekdom (oh, and for my ease in typing, i'm going to refer to geeks as "he" even though we know the best geeks are women):

1. Computer geek - This geek can tell you the difference in latency between different brands of the same type of RAM off the top of his head. Building a computer is child's play, and this geek will usually have at least 3 fully working computers at once. Sometimes this type of geek and #2 below can be merged into one super computer geek, but you'll also see a lot of delineation along the hardware/software lines.

2. Programming geek - This particular brand of geek is the type who will post a snippet of code as a joke. He knows the difference between Perl and PHP and hates people who thinks that AJAX is an actual coding language. He probably uses Opera or maybe Firefox, thinks that Macs are pieces of shit, and has never paid for a software program in his life.

3. Comic book geek - Need every single member of the Green Lantern Corps named? Ask this geek. He knows what color of kryptonite kills Kryptonian plants, which element might be strong enough to hurt Wolverine's adamantium, and why the Joker is still alive. This type of geek also collects action figures and statues. Not to play with, mind you - to display.

4. Gaming geek - These guys used to be the Dungeons & Dragons kids from high school. Now that games have evolved into both the electronic realm like Everquest and World of Warcraft and with board games like Heroclix, these geeks have improved slightly. There is still a huge tendency for them to make jokes about multi-sided dice and points being added to their own physical attributes.

5. TV/movie geek - Did you know that Joss Whedon wrote several episodes of Roseanne? This geek not only knows that, but he'll know the most obscure shit that you'd never even suspect. This type of geek typically follows writers or directors around from show to show or movie to movie. They rarely follow actors around, with the exception of a few, like Bruce Campbell. To these geeks, once a director has touched their geek soul, they can do no wrong. They'll follow Joss Whedon or Peter Jackson or Guillermo del Toro or Bryan Singer to the ends of the earth.

6. The amalgam geek - this is what I am. I can build a computer, and I enjoy reading about the advances in hardware, but I can only understand every other word. I can hand code HTML and I program simple PHP, but I can't do anything advanced. However, I can flowchart the logistics for a function better than many programmers, so I work well with programmers who are trying to achieve a certain goal. I read and collect comic books, have many action figures and statues, and even have a lifesized Yoda in my office. I play video games, although I have never gotten into the MMORPG or roleplaying games. I know if I did, though, I'd be addicted. And I love TV and movies. I know more media trivia than most people, but not as much as some. I'll watch anything that Joss Whedon or Ben Edlund writes or directs, among others, and I dissect everything I watch almost clinically.

Did I forget any categories? I don't think so, but let me know if you think of any others. And this post will be followed by another one exploring why geeks are good.

Your opinion, please

So, when I bought my awesome 55" HDTV last month, I signed up with Best Buy's Reward Zone program. You get points for every dollar you spend, so you can get usually $20-50 in gift certificates based on what you spend.

Thanks to a huge promotion at Best Buy when I signed up, I got an ungodly amount of rewards points, and just received $520 in Best Buy gift certificates that I now have to use.

I need suggestions!

What would you get if you had $500 to spend frivolously on anything at Best Buy?

Hatin' time

I've decided to list some of the people, things, and places that I hate. What purpose does this serve? Well, it will let you know exactly where I stand on a number of issues. I have no problem being friends with people who have diametrically opposing viewpoints, so it's okay if you disagree with some of my assertions. Some.

I hate:

Extremists. If you think that Pat Robertson, Al Franken, Rush Limbaugh, Jesse Jackson, Ann Coulter, Al Sharpton, or Bill O'Reilly "tells it like it is," grow a brain. If you can't wrap your head around the idea of moderation, please go wrap your car around a telephone pole. Your way is not right. Other people have valid opinions and perspectives. There is not one correct worldview, nor will there ever be. If we compromise, we all win. See how easy that is?

Chicken wings. I have this bizarre thing about eating things with my hands. I'm okay if there's a buffer of bread, so sandwiches and burgers don't bother me. Neither do fries, for some strange reason.But it's something about ribs, chicken wings, and buffalo wings that I just can't stand. If I was ever forced to eat them, I'd have to use a fork and knife.

Ugly people. I just have a bias against ugly people. As famed Dr. Dorian would say: "My heart hates uggos." And I'm not talking about people who are unique or just look different - I hate people that meet my strange definition of ugly. Two celebrities come to mind: Glenn Close and Meryl Streep. I pray every night that the two of them will get into a head-on collision with each other, resulting in unrecognizable corpses that have been completely destroyed. Is that so wrong? But then you take someone like Paul Giamatti, Juliette Lewis, Steve Buscemi, Rachel Dratch or Clint Howard - actors who aren't normally considered attractive - and I have no problem with them. So I can't exactly define what "ugly" is to me - I just know it when I see it, and then I swerve my car to try to hit it.

Pants. There's something about that little space of freedom from the knee down to the ankle that I require. Wearing shorts that even go down mid-shin is okay, but when it comes to something that's going to reach your ankle, I vehemently oppose it. In college, I got kicked out of my fraternity because I refused to dress up (and I refused to go run errands for the seniors in the middle of the night and I refused to buy friends with the flawed Greek system). In law school, there was no dress code. I worked for small law firms that didn't require business attire except for the rare courtroom appearance. When I moved to LA, I interviewed at one job dressed in a suit, but once I got the job, it was nothing but shorts. In the last 12 years, I've probably only worn a pair of pants 8, maybe 9 times. And I'd like to keep it that way.

The mall. The mall is defunct. You can get better prices online and in other stores, there are too many obnoxious little teenyboppers and horrible parents with their screaming shits and old people clogging up every place you want to walk. Why on earth anyone would want to go to the mall today is beyond me and I think anyone who does suffers from some form of mental retardation.

That's it for today's list of "Things Avitable Hates." I'll hoard my vitriol until I have enough for another post.

I am Avitable. Currently, I live in Orlando, where I collect comic books and masturbate to midget horse porn. I am married, and my wife lets me be the true geek that I am. I fear vegetables and sunlight. I love my friends and family dearly and hate everyone else tremendously.

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